Note: There are two additional pages regarding Caron. You must read this one first or you'll be rather confused!
Photos of Caron (click here
and
Memoirs of Caron (click here)
November 2003
Newly added, Memoirs Of Caron, with stories and pictures not seen before. Careful, has potential to "trigger"
R e m e m b e r i n g C a r o n
(who is one of millions of sufferers but whose story happened to get noticed a while ago on Something Fishy)
UPDATE (the best I can offer you)
I have not heard from or spoken to Caron in a couple years. The last time I saw her she was doing better in regards to weight, but nothing else. She was using hard drugs, had no stable living situation (staying with friends or boyfriends), had no job or focus (except socializing & doing drugs), certainly had no doctor or therapist... she was shakey and distracted, trying hard to impress me with her false happiness, and full of promises that she would stay in touch. When I dropped her off, after buying her coffee and a muffin and handing her the only cash I had with me (she said she'd use it to eat but she knows how to play me), I remember wondering if I'd ever see her again...
And who knows? Maybe I will. I don't think so... only because her physical body had been through so much, she'd come so close to dying so many times, and I actually do think she would try to get in touch with me if she were still around... I'm not hard to find and I haven't moved. And if nothing else but a little money, she most certainly would have called.
And as sick and lost as she has been, Caron was always gracious, grateful and happy to let me know what was going on. I believe she genuinely thought I helped her, and though I know I genuinely tried, I don't know if any actual help occurred. We had a professional fly out from Arizona to stage an intervention, we had a scholorship secured at Remuda Ranch for her - she never took the help. I had Rader Program staff and other friends trick her into sitting and listening to us as we pleaded to get her help, even got donations for cans of Boost - but she never took the help. I don't know if she wouldn't let herself or didn't want it at all or anything. She was scared and lost and talked big about opening a treatment house for people with eating disorders, she was going to call it Angel House... she had business cards made and at one point tried to talk Paula Abdul into playing a benefit concert. She could be so much fun sometimes.
Her lowest weight was crazy, it was 42 pounds, but for the majority of a year she hovered in the frightening 50 pound range. I know this is extreme. Caron was extreme. Keep in mind she was short, not even 5 feet, and please don't go comparing weights with Caron. She had to wear diapers at her low weight, she lost control of her bowels. She cracked her hip when she fell against a cushioned couch because her osteopena was so severe. She had brain damage, that even after she put weight on, was still there. If you caught her on a talk show in 1996, you could hear how slow her speech was. Eventually she could not keep up the starving anymore and she was able to gain some weight. She discovered hard drugs at the time and used them to fuel her self destruction, she started to binge and purge and her weight reached 100 pounds at one point.
The eating disorder, though it took a "backseat" to drugs, was never gone.
Caron surprised everyone and managed to get pregnant (having not menstrated for a long while there), though she wasn't sure of who was the father (a side effect from lots & lots of drug use), and hallucenated that she had a miscarriage, Caron did give birth to a baby boy (born addicted to crack and premature) whom she named Angel. She had a thing for angels - she had pictures of them everywhere - on all the many cards and letters Caron gave me, they always had Angels...
But Caron lost her son to the state when she could not stay off drugs. Last I heard he was living in foster care and the foster parents were hoping to adopt him. Having a baby came very close to changing Caron. After she had him, she was more determined, than I had ever seen her, to get well. She tried and it lasted a short while, but did not sustain.
I have a box of writing (Caron loved to do creative writing), pictures, letters, angel trinkets and things she gave me. And I still have the document I signed when we thought she wasn't going to live, giving me the power of auttorney, the strange priviledge to take her off life support and have final say in her "estate". She wanted to be a gigantic candle on the Something Fishy memorial site, she wanted to be mourned and serve as a warning to others who were contemplating serious eating disorders. But she did not die that whole crisis year, despite several close calls, though she told me everyday she felt like her body was dying.
I think she was always waiting to be an Angel.
Fast forward to 2003... Not too long ago I spoke to Cynthia, who once was my partner in the futile, insanely driven "rescue Caron" mission. Cynthia has not heard from Caron either. I am happy, though, to report that Cynthia is doing very well (she suffered with anorexia, that's how she met Caron), and she has two kids now, lives in Northern California with her husband and feels she is free from her eating disorder.
Many times, since I last had a glimpse of Caron, back in the year 2000, it has crossed my mind that she might have died.
Recently, when Cynthia and I talked, we did conclude that we both feared Caron had died, but we don't know for sure and we might not even get to ever find out - which gives me this strange empty, hallow feeling - it is so incomplete - there is no closure - it just dangles there, mid-air, and all I have is tremendous hope that she is happy, finally finally happy, where ever she may be... she struggled and suffered so much and was so tormented, I desperately want her to have found peace.
And to those who read my letters about her, as the saga was taking place; those who wrote me e-mail and Caron e-mail; those who tried to help, offer advice, prayed; those who asked me about her over & over again and offered me support; those who worked with her, provided treatment free of charge; those who did not give up on her... I am so sorry that I can offer you no final chapter. I'm sorry. And, lastly & lovingly, Caron, if you can hear me or should you stumble on this very webpage, please know that you have touched my life (and many others) immeasurably... I love you, I thank you
and I wish you all of your dreams.
WARNING: Photos could be triggering! Look at your own risk. Caron is an example of a rare and extreme case.
If you so freely choose to, click the fairy below to see the photos of Caron
Note: There are two more pages regarding Caron
Photos of Caron (click the fairy)
and
Memoirs of Caron (click here)
Are you lost? Have you floated here through a search and don't know what's hit you? To make sense of this tricky web I've weaved... you may want to start at the beginning... click here: catch me up!
what follows is an ANORECXIC WEB ARCHIVE: C o n c e r n i n g C a r o n (written in 2000)
What can I say about Caron?
She is a lost soul who has been trying so hard to end her life because she cannot express the anger that fills her...
She is a tiny flame that manages to flicker despite the darkest, dampest, deepest moments that she suffers through, underground with drugs and men and starvation...
She is the funny girl who made me laugh years ago when she would come by the Rader offices and chat (she was an alumni of the program)... telling me and the office manager stories about her life post-program... (which was all going well until she was raped, that's when her relapse happened, which led to her dropping a RADICAL amount of weight, dwindling down to a record 42 pounds, and when I began writing a series of soon-to-be-famous-among-eating-disordered-internet-readers letters...)
Caron is bigger than herself. She couldn't comprehend it, as we were on television shows regarding the severity of her case, she still didn't get it... (she sees it now, in retrospect, isn't that interesting?) and I got so many responses from the Something Fishy letters. I had found Amy's (at the time) moderately sized wonderful web site and wrote her the now infamous first letter, and Caron had a terrible next year and a half, with a growing number of people reading (the whole thing still feels surreal today). I remember being on edge for that almost two year period, always waiting for the phone to ring to tell me Caron had to go to the hospital or was in a coma or died. I remember giving her money and trying to get professionals to offer free treatment and going on those t.v. shows (when we flew to New York I was scared the entire time, thinking she'd die on the plane) and finding people to donate Ensure and organizing a "professional" intervention and receiving more and more letters from people all over the WORLD who cared about this struggling internet anorexic who walked away from all the help I tried to offer in favor of destruction and drugs and abusive men...
But I must understand Caron. I DO understand Caron. Sometimes I don't want to. She is a reflection of the most self-destructive parts of me (and of all of us). She lives out the self-destructive fantasies, and her very real experiences push at me, pull at me, and I am not jealous. This must be a result of my recovery. I think there was a time when I wanted to be Caron, but it was a brief affair, and now I only feel sadness and wonder towards her outrageously unhealthy life. It is not a life I want. It is a life I'd like to help repair, but she doesn't want this, so I remain a witness and a reporter... this is a role I can step into without scratching my own life as I bend inside her crazy chaotic story. I am amazed that so many of you have joined me in spinning this tale, and though the chapters come slower now than they used to, they will keep coming.
I no longer keep Caron letters on the Something Fishy site, my now-past contribution to that great site, and so watch this site for any updates. I am thankful for the space just to speak on what it is like being the Caron connection. Thank you. -Always, Lisa
An on-going official WARNING... this section, as with my entire website (and everyone elses for that matter), some people may find disturbing... so beware. (and trust me, I would stop writing warnings if people would accept that they have free will to turn their computers off)
But really anyone can find anything disturbing.
Trinity Copyright 2003 - this website is a creation of Lisa Arndt, M.A.
IF YOU HAVEN'T READ THE CARON LETTERS AND ARE WONDERING WHO I AM TALKING ABOUT, VISIT THE SOMETHING FISHY SITE. The "About Caron" letters were once a very popular part of the amazing Something Fishy site and it is from there that people became interested in my friend Caron. If you've stumbled onto this page and feel lost, may I suggest you go to the beginning? click here
