E.D.U.: the Eating Disordered Underground

the sightings & silence of our secret society

(this ispage 1, also visit page 2 and page 3 and page 4)

I've stumbled onto something that I really want to address. I believe it is meaningful and worthy of space, even if it's cyberspace (and I'm trying not to underfeed anything in my life anymore!). It's a phenomenon that I have been a part of, that I think all of us with eating disorders are a part of.

I see us out there, I see people with eating disorders, I recognize them, not all (of course) and maybe I'm not always right, but sometimes I am. We are a secret society, it's been said... and I know we see each other, recognize one another out in the world, see our own behavior (either current behavior or past behavior) in a stranger and we just know.

I saw one of you (one of us, members of what I've nicknamed the Eating Disordered Underground) today at Venice Beach. The E.D.U. crowd loves Venice Beach, don't we? :-)

She was so sad, this girl, I could tell, and I saw her at a restaurant, we were there simutaneously. At one point I ended up in the bathroom line, only to see her come out and look at me, (we had seen each other earlier outside waiting in the restaurant line), and I saw that sadness in her eyes, and I went into the bathroom and I wasn't surprised at all to find she had just purged her food, all this silly healthy (NECESSARY TO LIVE & ENJOY LIFE) food from the stylish beach-front restaurant we were both dining at (her, I think, with her family), she was scared and lonely and lost... I could tell, and later I saw her leave, nervously trying to smile at her mom and sister (I think) and pretend everything was just fine... hopeful they won't notice the paleness, the slight shake, the throbbing knuckles on her fingers... rubbed raw in attempt to empty herself of... of what? what hurts you so much?...

and I wanted to talk to her. But how can I? She'd think I was trying to unveil her secret... or worse, she'd think I was judging her for it... that damn shame gets so in the way... it holds us all back (you know that, don't you? you know you are beautiful and it's not your fault and I swear I swear you are not the only one)... and I wish I had talked to her.

She really affected me, and living in this town (L.A.) I have run into people like her TOO many times. And I always want to talk to you... but I know when I was actively praciticing my disease I did not want anyone to walk up to me (unless I was alone, maybe)...

I wish I could tell her I understand and not to give up- things will get better!

Do you see each other, too? If you have an experience with a stranger, seeing/recognizing another one of "us" (people with eating disorders, members of the E.D.U.), and if you've ever wanted to talk to that person... you can e-mail it to me and we can make this page about "sightings on the Eating Disordered Underground"...

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The Eating Disordered Underground... begins to emerge...

okay first I have to say that I am completely enamored by your web site, it is great. second I will say that I am completely and absolutely terrified of submitting anything to you because I am sure that it is all just crap. Gotta love the self-esteem eh? But there was something about this particular section, something that at least made me click the email address... I think that it was the fact that you see other eating disordered people too, I thought that maybe I was the only with this ability, aside from being able to spot at 60 pound woman running obsessively around the track, I seem to notice others too. Okay here's a piece of shitty writing I am sure, but nonetheless I am writing...

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These where the corridors of our lives, this is where our drama played out. Us, we are the students of this grand institution, each one of us trying to find something. I would walk up the steps of the school each morning repeating the same line in my head: "smile, look good, only 7 more hours to go, then you can go back to bed where it is warm" I would give myself this little pep talk and then swing the large wooden doors open; They where getting heavier, or was that me getting weaker?

I had 15 minutes until the bell rang and the chaos began. I walked silently to the library not wanting to hear my foot steps hard against these polished floors, another reminder of my imposition on space and noise. Quickly I would read the headlines in the news paper each morning, check the weather in Dallas, Toronto, and London, and then move on through the halls to my locker. That morning my mind drifted off as it was tending to do these days, not enough energy to concentrate, my eyes wondered from the front page, on to the table, over to a computer, and finally they set on a girl sitting in the corner studying her biology textbook intently. She was dressed in layers, her hands, purple from the cold where holding a coffee for warmth, she was a reflection of myself only better, thinner, sadder...

She was my new obsession, for months I watched her, her locker was close to mine, she was in my choir class, I would see her when I was sitting on the stairs reading over a History assignment, and each time our eyes would lock, I would look at her with sadness and jealousy. I would sip my diet coke and look away, she was all I wanted to be. She knew before any one else had caught on. She used to watch me sneak into the bathroom, on occasion she would follow, just to satisfy her own curiosity.

It was an elaborate dance we performed, I would throw my diet coke bottles on top of her lunch in the trash, look over to see if she was still there, examine what she had been given for lunch, note what she kept and was eating, and what she discarded for me to see. She stood at her locker the afternoon that I came up to tell my friends that I was going into the hospital later that day, this time she didn't pretend to look away or be occupied by something else, she just stared at me though her sunken sad eyes, opened her mouth to say something but then on second thought closed it again: she didn't know me, we had never talked.

Later in the year it would be me who would stand and watch, unable to offer some words of support and encouragement as she was pulled out of school in order to 'get better'. But our eyes met as she left, and she smiled to say good bye.

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Okay that was a piece of shit. God I am so sorry, you don't have to put it on the web site. Mind you I have a ton of other writing, some of it is actually okay, so if you need something in particular such as poetry etc. just let me know. -Amelia

LISA'S NOTE: AMELIA, STOP PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN, YOU ARE TALENTED AND INTERESTING AND YOU HAVE SOMETHING TO OFFER! THANK YOU FOR WRITING ME!! LOVE, LISA

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Subject: EDU

I know this sounds weird, but sometimes I can see myself (in others). and I want to go up and talk to myself and console myself. Tell myself everything is ok. But then I just walk away, I think I am afraid of rejecting myself. Is that possible?

speaking of the EDU, I see them all the time, and we become friends through that invisible pull, but in the end we just help each other (stay sick), how do we help? -Emily

LISA'S NOTE: WHAT IF WE TRIED TALKING TO EACH OTHER? HERE OR OUT THERE? DO WE EVEN WANT EACH OTHER'S COMPANY? I THINK, DEPENDING ON WHERE ONE IS IN THEIR ILLNESS, IT CAN BE A USEFUL THING, AS SUPPORT GROUPS ARE... THANKS FOR WRITING! LOVE, LISA

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If y ou'd like to read about my friend Caron, a rather infamous member of the Eating Disordered Underground, please go here: Concerning Caron.

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Click over to page two of the EDU