Welcome to the Eating Disordered Underground Page 4...
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I have been paying regular visits to your website... I think it is the best site I've ever seen on eating disorders because most of the other ones are expressed from a medical, factual point of view as opposed to a personal mission. I think it's wonderful you want to help so many people, I had never read anything before about how common the anorexic logic is- I thought I was the only one going crazy! It's strange, how blind others can be, how easily non-anorexics can dismiss the ones who are when it is so obvious to the rest of us. I'm not physically anorexic, I just appear to be 'skinny' in a healthy sort of way- I don't even starve myself, I've been trying to eat more lately and feel happy when I get myself to eat even though sometimes I'm too depressed to- but I still tend to have doubts and can slip into the logic of it all- especially where exercise is concerned. I used to be so much worseÉ.
But do the physically anorexic recognize the 'recovered' who can easily spot them? (that's the only thing I have really gained from the brief period of the disease- knowledge. I never looked like an extreme case, but I was VERY thin and people commented on how I wouldn't eat sometimes, but it was hard living in a family as a 13 year old, and hiding it. I am now nearly 15, thank god I didn't suffer for that long)
I see them all the time, and I scan every unusually thin person I see all the time. I am even writing and trying to help other victims on the web. Maybe you should add a pen pal section of your page? Anyway, gotta go now. ~k
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My name is Michelle. I can't remember a time when my whole life didn't revolve around my weight. My mood is based on what my scale says every morning. And if I don't like what the numbers are I take off all my clothes, exhale as far as i can until i can accept the number. I never do though. I decide what I'll eat today depending on that stupid scale. I wish I could figure out a way to live without it. I even put it in a cabinet. Thinking that if I don't see it, I won't want to weigh myself. It never works. I pull it out several times a day to see what it says. Several times a day getting undressed and then criticizing myself for weighing too much. I don't think I'll ever be happy. I just wanted to lose 10 pounds. It's always "10 pounds". I'll be happy if i can just lose "10 pounds". That was over 40 pounds ago. I still haven't figured out how to be satisfied. My hands shake all the time. Everytime I stand up I feel like I'm going to passout. My hands and feet are always cold. I would love to break every mirror in my house, but i know it wouldn't help. I see people at the store and think how did she get so small. God i hate her. Then I see people who in my eyes are overweight and I start to get nervous. I don't think I could handle it if I ever returned to that size. I lay awake at night thinking of what I ate that day and hope i didn't gain a pound. I am anxious as soon as i wake in the morning because i know i have to face the scale.
My son is 3 and my daughter is 2. I try to hide this all from them and especially my husband. I pray that my daughter will never feel this way. And that she'll never have to know what it's like to face my day. I didn't mean to go on so long. This is the first time i've ever said any of this out loud or on paper (computer) for anyone to see. thank you, Michelle
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I was wondering how you found psych classes on eating disorders and the people who have such odd views on them. That is one area where i tend to lose patience in class. And have rather upset some people by contributing the horror stories of my friends experiences to counter there snotty comments about how everyone should be anorexic and that it is not really a serious problem and that it is much better than being the lazy like everyone who is fat. I just lose it in those conversations. And after 4 psych classes my classmates just don't seem to be getting any smarter. I wouldn't let a single one of them within 30 feet of an Ed patient. And the scary thing is some of them will start counseling within the next 2 years. Any way i'm rambling now. so i will let you get on with your work. Luv,
Sarah http://www.gurlpages.com/other/fyoung/anorexicsanonymous.html
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I know you must get a ton of letters as it is, but I had to tell you that this site offers the best resources on eating disorders! I am a 18 yr old professional ballet dancer in NYC- the breeding ground for eating disorders. It is very hard to not get sucked in to the downward spiral. I did, and I know many others have too. In my spare time I also teach younger dancers. I have seen anorexia in 12 year old girls. I just now see it, I couldn't see it when I was in it at 12, but looking at other people suffering, and knowing what they are going through is something amazing- yet devistating. I have gotten a great amount of information from Anorexic Web. As I am struggling through recovery, I am trying to help talk these young girls out of they're habits through my experiences and even showing them some of the pictures on this site showing what can happen when they got caught in the web. So thank you soo much! Kudos on the site!
Much love to everyone who suffers out there! Daisy
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I am in the 10th grade and in the 8th or 9th grade there is a girl. A girl who is who I am but thinner, sicker, worseÉ Her name is Emily. Recently, I found it out from my friend who knows her, only because I jealous, envious, yet sympathetic. She's younger than me, but she is where I am, but farther.
I've only recently begun treatment for my anorexia. I see her all the time, with her many friends for lunch, but she doesn't EAT. And it isn't just a sickness for food, it's the anorexia talking. Because I used to refuse the food. Now, I can manage a diet soda and maybe some pretzels. But she doesn't even count out change for a diet coke or even an evian. She doesn't let an OUNCE of food pass through her chapped lips. Her eyes are sunken and she has these dark, deathlike circles under her eyes. Her facial bones poke through the pale skin, and her arms and legs are so bony, so frail. It's like looking at a skeleton. And she's one of those people with the potential to be a model-gorgeous, face, hair, eyes, the girl who the guys crush on, only her body is like a skeleton. It's horrible. I, too, go through the feelings of body-hatred she must go through. Her friends tell my friends she's anorexic and "dying...never eats". It's not exactly jealousy I feel....i t's a cross between sympathy and mild, mild, envy..that
I'm not where she is. But why would I want to be starving to death? I don't exactly know. I don't. I want to live. I've found friends and support. On the bus ride home, she sometimes takes the same crosstown bus as myself, and I look at her emaciated body, drowning in stylish clothes, dying. I want to take her hand and talk to her over a hot coffee and tell her she'll be okay, but I dont know if she will. She's so young, too. And so sick. We pass the winter New York City streets, and she stares out. I want to know what's she thinking. I feel intrigued, disturbed, envious, sad. I also feel glad that I'm not nearly as sick as she is. Because I've found the meaning of life, just recently, but I've found it and I want to hold onto it, and celebrate Christmas happy and healthier than last years. -Michele
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I was browsing thru one of those skinny girl clubs on yahoo and I noticed that in the link section you had added your page along with the words "help available here" or something similar. It just struck me as a really nice thing. These words were like an oasis.I read somewhere on your site a mail from someone. That person asked if you knew that pro anorexics browsed your site for inspiration. I browse everything for inspiration or trigger, doesn't really do much because I don't trigger that easily. What I want to say, as you probably know. No matter with what purpose I browse your site, your point gets across. keep up the good work -Elín
http://www.angelfire.com/pq/tynd
"My ed, I guess, is A and B and D (D being denial). "
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I read what you wrote about the people you run into, and you can tell. I have that every day. I have been anorexic for 6 years now, and no one really knows. I got to school everyday, and I see girls...girls just like me. Girls avoiding the lunchroom at all cost, and dodging into the bathroom when they think no one is looking. I want to say something. Even just to let them know they aren't alone. But then I think, and I don't know if I would want someone to come up to me. It's like it would hurt less if there were 2 of us in it together. Often I wonder...do others not see us. Is it like we are visible only to each other. And then I start to think, if I can see these girls, I can see there pain, can the rest of the world see me, are they starring...laughing, am I on display. It tears at my soul to keep pondering these thoughts.
I really love your site, and just really felt like sharing that.
Love, Shell
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In the Eating Disordered Underground I felt so at home - I never realized that anyone else could see others as I could. Isn't it amazing how much we all have in common, the way we think.
Why do we always have to finish on an even number when we're running around a track? Why do we always feel our collarbones as a telltale sign of how thin we could be? I still do these two things now, even though I have recovered, and I never even thought about why until I read some of the stories in the EDU.
So true, so true...
Hope things in your world are happy and balanced, and that life is putting a comforting arm around you as you move forward.
God bless, Love, Melinda
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I went to the mall the other day, and I asked the saleslady if she had a size larger than small. She looked at me as if I was strange. "No" she said innocently, "maybe you should try the plus stores". It took me a moment to register her speech. This is the woman who has tested my recovery and denied me a medium sized sweater! After I shot her daggers, I dropped the particle of clothing on the floor I proceeded calmly out of the store. I saw her out of my peripheral vision pick up the shirt indifferently and went off to suck the life out of another customer. I started to walk as quickly as I could to the bathroom, my salvation for the last 6 six years. I locked myself in the stall and went surprisingly ass instead of head-first on the toilet seat. I wept like I haven't wept in weeks. The sobs shuddered my body and my knees buckled.
Then I stopped breathing...The familiar sound...where's it coming from? the stall beside? Yes, the feet are situated the wrong way...this victim in high heels...I quickly got out of the stall to wash my hands so I could put a face to the disease. She came out puffy eyed and flushed... what could I have said? We had an illness between us, blocking off communication. She had a makeup bag with all the right equipment, toothbrush and paste, and lipstick to touch up her chapped lips. I tried to make eye contact through the mirror but she was in a trance, in a mode of survival, that was her right of passage alone. My species is dying... I left defeated twice, I haven't been to the mall in months...
Today at school in the library one of my ladies approached me, and brought with her the smell of death... Her skin a mosaic of cracked dried flakes and accented with blue veins. Her breath on encountering my nostrils was stale and smelled of vomit that hadn't been traced at the back of her tongue for a couple days. This was the last straw of the day, I started screaming into the silence of the library. "WHERE IS YOUR HAIR??!!!!!!!" Her face went paler then could be imagined, "WHERE IS IT? ON YOUR BRUSH? IN THE SINK? WHERE IS YOUR GORGEOUS, SHINY HAIR? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF!" She, a fellow drama-queen, smirked knowingly, said she didn't know what I was talking about... And I started thinking to myself, does anyone know what I'm talking about?
I feel so much and this will eventually be the death of me...GOD SAVE THE LADIES, FOR THEY KNOW NOT WHAT THEY ARE DOING...
- "MEL" thank you...
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After reading all those stories on your website it is scary to know how real this is to me. I have been anorexic for 5 years and I am only 18 years old. I just started noticing that I see me in all those other girls out there. I will just go to the store and see a girl and say to who I am with isn't that girl way to thin. The person I am with will always respond by saying you are way thinner than her. In my vision I am not thinner than anyone but they are all thinner than me. I see girls that I want to run up to and comfort but I feel like I would not want anyone to come up to me.
I once saw a girl at the mall and was totally floored to see how skinny she was. I finally got brave enough and when she was finally alone I went up to her and began talking about normal things. She was very pleasant and we started a friendship not based on a eating disorder. After a while of talking we began talking about weight and eating disorders. She had told me that she had been anorexic for 1 year and had been feeling sick all the time and stuff like that. We got into weight and numbers which I wish we would not have. It turned out that the girl that I had thought to be much thinner than I was, was actually a lot heavier than I was. That scared me and I finally began to realize that I had a huge problem. We were both the same height 5'6 and she weighed 110 and I weigh 97. After that day I went to a wonderful therapist who I still go to and I am getting the help I need. I still have a hugs problem but at least I knoe I have a problem now. I wanted to write to you because I do think girls who see themselves in other girls should make a effort to go talk to them because it could change your life as it did mine.
I send all my love to all the victims of this horrible disease... Love Jessica
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Katie, I saw you the other day. You're hair is barely there, and clumped like an old woman's. Your legs are skinnier than my arms. But oddly enough, you're hands weren't purple as you clutched your flute. I was in your ballet class. Remember? We had fun, but we weren't good friends, we just knew each other and joked and complained along with the rest of the girls. I remember Miss Christine telling you that you looked thin, and were you eating all right? You said yes, and she said be careful. Amazing I still remember that, 6 years later. We met again in high school, after you quit dance. We smiled at each other in the halls, and said hello to each other. Then I began to notice. You got another nickname and died your hair. Were you changing your identity? Had you recently read The Best Little Girl in the World, just as I had? Was Wasted your bible, as was mine? God Katie, you were so thin. I saw you eat a fruit salad, and you didn't go to the band awards dinner. When school started this year, your chair in band was empty. I heard rumors you were in the hospital, and teachers confirmed these. When you came back, you were 100 pounds, and i was jealous. I tried for a year to be what you were, even when you were "healthy." I was no where close to your skeleton. But lately, I've noticed, you've lost more weight. How can I help? I know where you are, you don't want a lecture. you don't want an "understanding friend." You want thinness. Or maybe you're one of them who want healthiness. But you don't want me. And it's too hard to sit and watch you across from the band room. What can I do, katie? What can i do? -Melissa
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I don't know if you would want to put this on your site. But I want to share it anyway, just because I want to do something -- anything that I can for the three people I'm going to write about.
I'm a junior in high school, and even though I hate using public
restrooms, I'm forced to do so on occasion during the school day. I remember one day in particular that I went to run my hands under the hot water because they were so cold, and there was another girl in there, and she was getting frustrated with her hair. I stared out of the corner of my eye while I stood at the sink and took stock of her. So thin, even to my distorted mind she looked too thin. She knew I was watching her and she started to watched me too. I felt embarrassed, that she should see me, I felt so fat compared to her and I knew that she was thinking that I was a fat cow. After a while we stood still and openly stared at each other, we both knew the others' secret. It was uncomfortable, and we both looked away. To break the silence, she asked me if I had an extra hair tie. I said no and smiled weakly. She did the same and I left the bathroom. Now we see each other in the halls and exchange knowing glances. It's so weird to know that she knows about every thought that I have, because we both know that at any moment we are both thinking of food. It's scary to see her, because she looks so tired and sick. I wonder if I look that way too. I'm scared that I do.
The other day I rode my bicycle 30 miles to spend a few hours at the edge of a lake. What a thing to do, when I hadn't eaten all that day. But you guys know how it goes. I got off my bike to walk it through a crowd, and I saw them. Two of them, they looked like a mother and a daughter. They both looked sad and sick and absolutely miserable. They walked along like zombies, the only sign of life was when the daughter pulled up the collar of her coat. I was forced to stare. They were skeletons with heavy clothing hanging off of them. They looked like they were going to collapse any minute, but I knew they wouldn't. I knew that the anorexia wouldn't let them, it wouldn't let them rest even for a moment. I walked away with tears in my eyes. Why are our lives like this? I wanted to hug them, and tell them that I understood. I wanted to say " I'll eat if you will, I'll eat anything if you will only take a bite." I wanted to help them, but I couldn't. I felt impotent. Why are our lives like this?
I feel like I want to share these other people with other anorexics so that we might be able to look into the mirror and perhaps see the truth. -Corey E
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Dear Lisa,
First of all, I think your site is wonderful, I have spent hours on it, lost in my thoughts, and thinking at least I'm not alone! I am 14yrs old, and I have had my eating disorders for 2 and a half years. I am really trying to get better, although the harder I try, the worse I seem to do. I have purged everyday for at least the last week, which is unusual for me.
Any way, I was writing about the E.D.U section. I wanted to tell you about the ones of us I have seen... one girl I know, I was in her ballet class for 4 years, I quit ballet 2 years ago, but before I stopped I noticed her becoming slightly thinner, not much, but I just knew now she isn't allowed to do so much ballet and has been diagnosed. I knew. And I knew 2 years before health professionals, and her mother.
Another is a girl that is in my year at school, we are not friends, but I know. She is thin, her eyes are dark and lonely looking, although she somehow manages to appear confident and happy. When she sees me, our eyes meet, I think she knows about me too, she must. Because the look she gives me, it's an understanding one, but also she seems scared of me, maybe she is scared I might approach her, the thing is, that is exactly what I want to do. I want to talk to her, understand her, and have someone to understand me also. I am scared to approach her, in fear she may turn me away. I don't know what to do...
I might find the courage, or hope in my heart to help her and help myself. you can put this up on your site if you like, I won't be offended if you don't. love and wishes to you, I hope you continue to do well. love, nuria xox
P.S~ I want to work with adolecents with eating disorders also when I leave school, I hope I can make it to reach this goal, it is one I truly want.
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A few years ago, I used to work at one of those clothing stores that catered to small sizes. Personally, I hate those stores because they feed the eating disorder culture.
Any way, there was a girl there who was beautifully athletically built, but she couldn't fit into the clothes (5,7,9). She burst into tears saying that she was fat. She was in absolute hysterics. Her mother looked positively lost. I had a damn difficult time holding back the tears. I just had to say something.
I told her that this clothing store is for preteens who are in between little girl clothes and adults. I told her that she is not at all fat and that she is a beautiful healthy girl. When the girl was out of earshot, I talked to her mother, with tears watering in my eyes. I told her to keep an eye on her daughter and make sure that she knows she is loved, is special and beautiful because I didn't want her to develop an eating disorder. I told her that I knew that from experience. I told her I hope her daughter will be happy and healthy.
Then I took off my badge and left the job. My boss was telling me I was too fat to wear the clothes any way. I refuse to work for a tiny little size store ever again. -Renee
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This section really spoke to me! I thought I was the only one with that gift (not fair)!!!! Anyway, sadly this ability has recently made me notice that my best friend is anorexic, she denies it but I just know. We have always since we met felt a certain almost telepathic empathy for each other that we could both feel each others pain and so she can't hide this from me although she can lie all she likes. Apart from my friend there is the painfully thin woman in the town I live in who walks around so sad. She can't be above 5 stone and I wish I could just talk to her and learn about what happened so terrible in her life to make her like this, she looks so old but I know she is only in her early 30's. It's so sad. But what can I say? Even if she listened, I am still ill with bulimia myself. What's more I am big with it and part of me wants to be as thin as her while another part is saddened by her. Also although this is not
100% relevent, the other day I was in a shop and there was a woman there with her daughter who was about 9. The mother was really laying into a particular celebrity in a magazine because of her recent weight gain. She told her daughter how awful and ugly this celebrity looked and I couldn't help being shocked. I feel so sorry for her daughter who if she doesn't develop an ED is likely to have hang ups about her body (I know my families comments contributed to my illness), however, it set me wondering that here was yet another victim of this terrible thing. Who can say? Hopefully these women we see in the street can get the help they need one day.
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I wish that I had the nerve to talk to other people in the "EDU"...it is so funny how we all think the same way. At my college, there was a seminar about eating disorders. Even though I did not want to go, my non-EDU friends made me go. I wore all black (maybe so no one would notice me).... and went to the thing. Most of the people there were only there for research for psych. classes or something..... you know, using us as research. How rude. Anyway, I saw a girl there who recognized. Her name is Vala. I know her from seeing her at the bars around my school. She looks like normal weight....like I do. Now, when I walk passed the diner at night, I see her in there eating cheese fires. She eats them really quickly. The only thing that I can think of is...."Ughhh, I wish that I could eat cheese fries!" and
"Those are a bitch to throw up." I want to talk to her so badly. I want her to know that I know how she feels. She looks happy, but any person with an eating disorder knows that you are not really happy. Hopefully, I can talk to Vala. Hopefully, we can help each other before it is too late. -Jessica
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i, too, have had sightings in the underground... the one that sticks out the most is lisa. she was in my math class. At first, she sat on the opposite side of the room as me. i didn't see much of her, i didn't care to. she was loud, obnoxious. but, she was thinner than me, so of course i figured her obnoxious. seats changed and she got assigned in front of me. i knew. as soon as she sat down, i knew. she talked often (never to me, but I always over heard) about sex and drugs, and how great her weekends always were. i knew how she felt, pretending to have a ball. our class was right after lunch, and i would sit there watching her, thinking about how much i ate, and how much she didn't. i envied her, she looked like the perfect anorexic. but i also pitied her, she looked like the perfect anorexic. most of the class, i would just sit there and listen to her talk. picking up the little hints that only another ed person could perceive.
i failed that class. i spent all my time listening to her and writing bad ed poetry, and WISHING i could muster up the courage to talk to her. i wanted to give her a big hug. (although i don't like pressing my fat against others bodies) i wanted to hug her and tell her that every thing would be okay (even though i didn't think it would) i wanted to make every thing ok for her. i would have taken all her pain, even if it meant more for my self. i still would... so, lisa, i just want to apologize for not helping, and not making this better for you. i wish i could have, but i didn't. i hope that you get better, that you can escape before this thing swallows you whole. and if your reading this, I'm here for you... even though you don't know me... ~lindsay~
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***NOTE FROM LISA***
Thank you all, these letters are incredible.
We are all so incredible, we can't die out!! The planet needs us, creative, caring, sensitive soulsÉ but it IS a blessing and a curse, as we are so talented at having compassion for others but not for ourselves. I think if the E.D.U. can sense one another's despair, than maybe we can also begin to sense one another's concern and caring. Maybe we could even start a revolution- a group of recovering disordered eaters who are no longer willing to let this world take us down slowly and painfully and instead want to live and love and change the world.
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analyze anorexia
the hidden message is:
Sure, ladies, you can be smart now and join the work force, but don't forget to keep your body up to our standards...
analyze anorexia
Why do I think she's pretty?? Why does our culture think it's pretty to be vulnerable, weak, and play the victim??
Being too skinny is a loss of power, a loss of health, a loss of strength and therefore the ability to love and live. What if the next generation of girls spends their lives torturing themselves in an effort to feel loved??
analyze anorexia
Can you be anorexic and Not be physically anorexic?
YES.
If you develop several or all of the symptoms of anorexia nervosa (even except the one that is loss of body weight) then you need to, and should be, treated for anorexia.
Thank you for reading and participating and visiting me. I feel so lucky and warmed to know you like what is happening here.
I'm sorry I can't e-mail everyone back, I am.
And I hope you will bare with me as I slowly post your letters.
analyze anorexia
"In the source of every illness, lies it's cure"
-Agent Dana Scully, the natural beautiful agent from the X-Files
analyze anorexia
"Gotta learn how to starve the emptiness and Feed the hunger"
-Indigo Girls
