Food For Thought page 6
________________________________
Hi, Lisa,
Just wanted to write and say how much your web site affected me. I am 36 years old and suffered from bulimia/anorexia from age 21 to 29 (it isn't just teenagers). I was in and out of hospitals during that time, and reading some of the posted messages on "food for thought" brought back just how crazy the disease makes you.
I finally was fortunate enough to get involved in a study being conducted at the National Institutes of Health in Bethesda, MD (all my insurance had run out!) at age 26, and I give the doctors there (thank you, Susan Ynofski!!) a lot of credit for making me ready to finally overcome my illness, although it was some time later that I actually considered myself "cured," (although we never are--reading some things here made me want to be able to starve again to lose my post-pregnancy weight, isn't that sick?!).
I wanted to let people still in the clutches of the disease know that anorexia/bulimia has MAJOR consequences aside from dying (of course, the most major one). If you can kid yourself that you won't die, at least consider that you're putting yourself at risk of never being able to become pregnant (most of us want children some day) and of losing actual height!!
These are the least of the worries of some of the people who wrote in, but sometimes it's these "little" things that may grab their attention. We are, after all, very vain people, are we not?
I struggled with infertility at age 33 when my husband and I were trying to get pregnant with our first child, and I know it was related to my years of self-abuse. With fertility drugs, I was able to conceive. I was one of the lucky ones. I have also lost 1 3/4" of height. THINK ABOUT IT. Once you overcome this disease there are still major ramifications that carry on for the rest of your life. I'm scheduled for a bone-density test next week (a must-have for all recovering and active e.d. people), and worry I'll be one of those crooked old ladies you often see in a few years.
Just wanted to write in my thoughts on your site and responses from people. It just goes to show how you are never totally cured from an e.d.--here I am, a mother of 2 (newest baby just 3 months old) and still get so affected reading about anorexia/bulimia. Thanks for this site. I hope it does a lot of good. ~Maria H.
________________________________
After reading this section of the site, I realize just how maddening this disease is. I've been in treatment 12 times now. I just returned home 3 days ago from the last treatment. I often ask myself what it will take for me to give this up. I've tried group therapy, individual therapy, inpatient treatment, and self-control. I have learned tons, yet the anorexia still consumes my every thought. I left treatment this time telling my friends that I had to leave because of insurance. That wasn't exactly true.
The truth is that I just don't know how to live a "normal" life. I started to recover in March of this year and did really well for awhile, but the pressures of getting a job, making friends, living on my own, and daily activities just blew me away. I have lived in this anorexic world for 15 years. I have no clue how to go to the grocery store, buy food for the week, then cook it. I have no idea how to work in a job interacting with other people. I don't know how to sit with myself and not do something harmful to myself. I want so desperately to live in this "normal" world, yet it scares the hell out of me. I believe that God is the only one who can deliver me from this hell i've created, but can he save me from myself? I thought if I were thin enough I could just disappear. Well, I guess I met my goal. It seems as though I have disappeared to the people I so dearly love. I have never felt so alone in my whole life. Now all that's left is my, my head, and my disease. Not a real good combination. I do believe that recovery is possible, but I don't know how to do it alone. I need someone to teach me. I need to learn how to crawl again and walk again and say my first words and eat my first foods. It's so natural for people to hold, nurture, love, and teach an infant, a toddler, and a child, but noone will do those things for us. But that's what we all are in recovery. it is a process
We are all infants when we begin this so how do we learn? Who will love and nurture us until we can learn to love and nurture ourselves? Who will keep us from self-destructing? Who will keep us from dying? I feel that the reality is our diseases push people so far away...put up walls of steel. The people who love us don't know what to do anymore. They are tired. They are stressed out. They have their own lives to live. But they are our strength, our hope, our way back to their life. So when they walk away,
what do we have left? As their lives go on, our lives will dimenish. Who is going to save us from deaths grip? Reality? There is noone left. Death is just a matter of time. -Jenni
________________________________
Ask Me Why
I have forEVER
longed for drama In my lIfe
My dreams, my lies,
all of them.
So this is My choIce.
Though I have no reason
Mark yours:
_rape
_abUse
_acceptance
_desertIon
_all the fear
_love
_depressIon
_control
_None (Of The Above)
It Is on the list
NOne the LESS
(I hope)
Those things pay the dUes.
ThIs Is not the only way.
The last:
I know what THEY want
I am wilIng to gIve anythIng.
I will BE a part of It
I present the bad things,
THEY can be spared.
And THEY will be lost forEVER.
My lack of ONE Is maybe All
I (don't) need.
THEY tell me also there Is no departUre
bUt I can't care
I don't care about anythIng?
that Is how I got here
Isn't It.
It's mUch too late...
________________________________
My sister wrote this poem to me when I was anorexic.
Look
See your face so carefully crafted by the master
the beaty woven into your face with love
a gift-envied by others and desired
Look again
Through the mirror that frightens
Beyond the scale you so despise
Past the magazine images-
that you don't realize look startlingly like you
Look back
Notice the lives you have helped to mold
The spirits you have helped to lift-the joy you have brought
The beautiful gift of yourself you have given-beautiful memories shared
Look ahead
You will grow and I will grow, we will grow together
Laughter, tears, memories-these gifts will be treasured
Your husband and your children will adore you-
and thank God you're alive
Look closer
See your dazzling smile and hear your laugh that sparkles
Remember that the words you speak make others happy
Know that you are loved, cherished, priceless-and that I need you
-Erin (Lisa's note: thank you for sharing this, Erin!)
________________________________
Lisa.. i am recovering from severe anorexia and depression and never have i seen such wonderful in depth information as on your website. i visited it for an hour and still got barely through it. i will go back tomorrow and maybe hte day after and so on.. just for the encouragement- to look at those pictures and think i was once like that.. or to see how sickly it is!
power is what we all need! we need to be powerful! your website promotes that.. it is not some bullshit overview on the symptoms and dangers.. it is REAL stuff.. what is in my head, that i am afraid to share, but know that so many others are thinking.
i can't thank u enough lisa for sharing this. i think u should pursue into a book, or publicize it more..
i just want to congratulate u on work well done.. it is unbelievable! it finally shows people what these decieving diseases do plain and simple. no hiding.. no playing! it all out on the table (no pun intended!)
sincerely- jill p
"What is life? It is the flash of a firefly in the night. It is the breath of a buffalo in the wintertime. It is the little shadow which runs across grass and loses itself in the sunset."
________________________________
Dear Lisa,
I want to say thank you for opening up my eyes to the real effects of eating disorders. I am 22 years old and have suffered from anorexia for 6 years and have never felt connected to anyone. You are the first person that has made me want to recover and feel alive again. I won't bore you with my low number in weight - I know you have see and heard it all. I wish to mention instead all the emotional lows I've experienced (suicidal thoughts, depression) and I never want to go back.
I'm also enclosing a poem that I wrote a few years ago, it's not a masterpiece, but it was the only way I knew at the time how to express my feelings. I won't ever give up and I wish you and all your readers the best. With love, Nicole
"Chasing after the wind"
Before I even open my eyes, I quickly must recall,
I ate dinner yesterday - did I eat it all?
No, I didn't, and I sigh with relief
I think only of the bones, not my bodies grief
I have an idealistic view, of what my life would be
if I were 10lbs. lighter, I would be a better me
But each day I live, counting all I eat
making excuses for what I don't, to everyone I meet
I'm still happy, living my life each day
Or is that just in my head, something that I say
Why don't they understand, eating is not my choice
I hide from myself, dreading that inner voice
I have no opinion, no emotion, or thought
When did I become this way, is it something I was taught?
It has become my identity, my soul, my life
I'm not a girl, a daughter, never a mother or a wife
When will it be normal not to hurt all the time
When will life be happy, my body become mine
The competition is relentless, noone wants a tie
To be thinner than the rest, and than what - to die?
I've done this before, the low numbers are not new,
but I don't want to live this way, honestly would you?
Everyone wants me to stop, but I feel as if I'm pinned
Now I realize to be thinner, is like chasing after the wind.
~Nicole, '95
________________________________
Subject: hope
I watch you fade away. I know your pain. I've been there. You must be strong. Don't give up. I promise it's better in the end. There's more to life than being thin. There's a life waiting for you to live. You are trapped inside your body and unspoken thoughts. Break free from this tormented body. Live a life for you, not anorexia. Please be strong. Don't let yourself fade away...to nothing.
________________________________
Dear Lisa,
Congratulations on having one of the most compelling eating disorder sites on the internet. There are plenty of (inarguably wonderful!) sites that nevertheless tiptoe around the issues which consume the average eating disordered person. (The competition, the morbid desire to see anorexic bodies, the neverending quest for the next tip, etc.) Thank you for being so straightforward with your presentation. I hope you continue no to pull any punches, Lisa.
You know as well as I do that bullshit is part of the core curriculum in "Anorexia 101"
Here's a poem that I wrote at one of my lowest moments:
*****************************
Sick
A strange sickness this is...
when after starving, barfing, binging, exercising, pill-popping, crying, cutting, bleeding, scarring and cutting again, restricting, splurging, measuring, weighing, comparing, cramping, despairing, running, falling, losing, gaining, losing more, running more, stuffing, shitting, scabbing, bruising, lying, and purging...
After it all, when they ask Now, name five things you like about you you choke out, my hands...
(because they are so bony.)
And hope that will count for two.
*************
I know, I know, I'm no maya angelou. -kate
________________________________
Hello. My name is Alicia I am 14 years old and a former anorexic. This is a song (I'm in a band) about my disease that I wrote right when I hit rock bottom..... I hope that you will choose to publish this cuz it would mean a lot to me to know that my worst is helping so many anorexics like my former self. Thank you. Sincerely, Alicia H., age 14
Obsession
Moving closer
step by step
waiting to fall back
obsession
you are my life
everything is for you
no one can be the same
no one can do what you do
Day at a time
i make it
relapse at my back
hoping i will survive
but never knowing the truth
standing numbly
i can't hear the world
or the chaos in my life
you are taking over my mind
obsession
i came from a perfect world
i was sheltered but
now i am shattered
by you
brutally battered
i no longer feel
wasting life away
is all i know
so leave me the fuck alone
Lisa's note: what great lyrics, Alicia! Please keep singing about it...
________________________________
This note may be a rarity.
I'm not suffering from an eating disorder, nor do I know anyone that is. Not outwardly, anyway. I just wanted to let you know how much of a service I think you're doing by putting yourself under the microscope of public scrutiny like you have. One has to wonder how many lives you affect daily just by publicly fighting what has been an almost primarily private war among so many people in our society. In a world where we put our role models on pedastals which are often built of glitz, glamour and beauty-at-all-costs, it's refreshing to see you throwing your hat in the ring of people to admire. In a perfect world, young girls would be pressured to less to be like women whose main contributions to life are singing and gyrating, and compelled more to be like someone real. So keep your head held high and your convictions at the forefront, and never, EVER lose sight of the impact you have on people! When I have a setback of any nature in life, I will try to remember your words: "I'm going to hang in there and not give up-I'm stronger than it is."
Stay strong and best of luck! -Mike
________________________________
This is a poem that I wrote,it's really not very good, here goes.
I look in the mirror and what do I see it's a reflection looking back at me.
But is it me or who I think to be I here it all the time from strangers near and far, I wish I could be like you so thin but if they only knew the secret that I hide inside of me.
But I hide my secret so well that none can tell what is really wrong with me oh I'm thin but I cover it up so well and none knows this secret deep inside of me.
People walk by me but they never see me I feel so invisible a shell of what I use to be a human being. And I want to die but I don't know how because a part of me is dying each and every day.
Little by little I am going away. I pray I can stop what is happening to me but there is a part of that want's to go until it kills me and really would anyone miss me???
Lisa's note: "YES."
________________________________
Dear Lisa,
I'm just writing You, because I looked to Your website about Anorexia. I had a experience with this disease. I'm from the Czech republic and I moved about Year and couple months ago to USA to Florida with my mom. I didn't speak english and I went to the high school ( I'm 15 ). It was hard time for me, because I'm very shy and I could not get in and talk to people and find some friends. I was along, or I felt along, I had my mom, but no friends and my dad is in Czech too. ( my parents are divorsed ) When I lived in Czech, I heard, that in America, they have many fat foods and people here are fat. When I moved here, I was scared, that I'm gonna be fat too. I started see myself fat and I started running. And then like everyone, who's developing Anorexia, I started running more, going to fitness center and exercise more and more and eat less and less. My mom started worying about me and telling me to eat, but I din't listen to her and I thought that she is jelaous. In the evening, when I went to bed to sleep, I was so exhausted, that I felt like I'm gonna fall. One day I fainted during exercising and had to go to the hospital. From that day I had to stop exercising for few weeks. Then I started to be scared and started eat more, but still exercise. I felt so bad, that I hurted everyone, who loved me. I promised to myself, that I will never do the same thing. We moved to North Carolina and started new life. Now I'm healthy and fine. I like my body, because I still exercise, but eat and I'm not skinny, I'm not fat. I like to do many things like playing guitar and piano, sing, I play basketball and do sports, I like to draw and I got back to all my hobbies. I started go to the church and I'm happy. I still have a difficulty to meet people, but I know, that I just have to be patient. I must say that many people helped me. My mom, her boyfriend ( he is american, she met him in Florida ). He is wonderful person and I love him to be my stepdad. Also, he has daughters and they don't know abou it, but they are helping me so much. I love them very very much. One is seven and one is three. I met them about month ago . They live in Ohio. I made a song for them and drew a picture of them. I thank You for Your page. Maybe It may help to someone. I was looking at some pictures, but I didn't look at all of them, because It's so sad and I just can't see those girls. But Your page is great.
Thank You, Klara
________________________________
Dear Lisa,
I think the anorexicweb site is amazing and you are an inspiration to me!
I know that you are very busy, but I am sending you the addresses for archives from 2 local Los Angeles CBS Special Assignments that were done about my story (and the ED/insurance problem, which is another of my bandwagons). I don't know if I mentioned it in my previous e-mail, but these were done at my lowest point and led to the donation which enabled me to get to the Laureate Hospital and saved my life. There was a third story done on my 6 weeks after my getting out of the hospital, which I cannot find on the archives...it was a disappointing story in my eyes, as they seemed to wrap it all up in a pretty box with a bow and even put the words "recovered anorexic" on the screen when I was talking...At least I expressed my feelings to the reporter after the story! Sorry to go on...
The initial story (Dying to Be Thin) can be found at:
http://www.Channel2000.com/news/specialassign/news-specialassignment-980225-014389.html
The 2nd (Dying to Be Thin II) can be found at:
http://www.Channel2000.com/news/specialassign/news-specialassignment-980313-001454.html
Thank you, again and I understand if you do not have time to check the CBS stories out. Take care, Toni
________________________________
Mind Games
My mind is pounding. The two voices are arguing back and forth again.
One voice says, "Look at you. You're healthy and beautiful."
The other snaps back, "Look at what you've done to yourself! You're drowning in your own fat, ugly!" One voice tells me that I'm finally in control of my own life.
The other screams that I'm completely out of control. It tells me I'm nothing but a slave to my hunger like everyone else. I try to believe the good voice. It's hard though, when the bad voice is screaming so much louder. The louder voice takes over...but only for a little while. While listening to the bad voice, I try to block out the good voice. I can still hear it gently whispering to be strong, while the other voice is congratulating me for "being in control." Which voice can I believe? Maybe the good voice is right. Maybe I can be strong....but is strong eating or starving? I allow the good voice to gently lead me in the right direction. The bad voice is infuriated. One voice will always be upset with my decisions. Today I ate. Does that mean I was in control, or out of control?
I don't know. Ask the voices.
-Erin
...writing is better than starving.
________________________________
I couldn't have said it better myself.
________________________________
