Food For Thought page 2
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Dear Lisa, I've decided to send you some of the poems i wrote after my anorexia. I'm 16 years old and live in England. I still have an ed i'm just not anorexic anymore. I know my poems aren't very good but i hope you take the time to read them.
YOUR POEMS ARE GREAT! Don't apologize for yourself or your creativity please... not ever again, ok? You are beautiful just the way you are. That is the whole secret!! Love, Lisa
Secret Existance
Smiling on the surface,
screaming for mercy deep inside.
Trying hard to join in,
really wanting to go and hide.
Reaching out for guidance,
no-one seems to have the time.
I only wish someone would see,
the pain within my eyes!
Can everyone be so blind?
Can everyone not care?
I guess they can when it's only,
ME who's in despair!
No-one I can talk to!
No-one I can trust!
Will I ever be free again?
Will my feelings turn to dust?
Staring into the darkness,
The cold surrounds my heart.
I feel the tears come closer,
Is it safe?
Is it safe to cry now it is dark?
No-one will see the tears, the fears
the envy, the hate, the love.
It's time to wrap them up again,
Now the sun is coming up.
The Enemy
The enemy is closer now,
He's banging on my door!
I let him in last time,
Now he's back for more.
He wants to take my flesh again,
Turn me into bones.
He wants to steal my aching heart,
Turn it into stone.
How can I turn him away?
He's the one I love.
I know I want to hate him,
But he's turned my soul to dust.
The air is getting colder,
My legs are getting weaker,
His preasants keeps me warmer,
His breath smells ever sweeter.
I know he is the enemy,
But i feel so alone!
If only my friends were mortal
I wouldn't have to defeat him on my own!
Hello,
i checked out your site. I really enjoyed looking through it. I was kinda supprised when i realised it was the same Lisa (you) who wrote about Caron. I hope she is still gaining. It can be so hard sometimes!
I put the weight on too fast and it's sent be tumbling down again at a high rate of knotts! I was never as bad as caron. I don't think many people would go that low and survive. I did however suffer some of the same problems. I was hypothermic, as i live in England that was the worst thing about it all. I was so cold all the time. I've never been hospitalised, i'm an out-patient still. My lowest weight was 68 lbs. I'm 5'4 and was then as well. Loads of love, Jane
Please visit Jane's page on Borderline Personality Disorder: http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/4112/
Pictures of Jane & her family:
Me with differant members of my family at Christmas 98. I did try to smile on some of them!!Theres me having fun eating a plate of veg for xmas dinner! Me enjoying helping my mum in the kitchen. I really loved cooking for other people, & still do! Me sat by the tree. Those jeans are now skin tight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! aaaaaarrrrrrrrrrr
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I combated the food which was tearing me to pieces.. it's been three years since I had chronic bulimia... although I still throw up when I eat to much.. this isn't something to be taken lightly.. it damages you for ever........ I choose life.. I found friends... I began to love myself the way we all have to....I'm 17 years old and suffered from an eating disorder when I was 13 until I was 15... I"m one of those cases which people wouldn't have thought was chronic.. my bones didn't protrude from my thigh... but I'm was hurting inside.. calculating fat... throwing up into a bucket and burying it in the backyard so no one would know... my period stopped for a year... I'm cried and prayed and my whole self sank into a ball of nothing.....than I'm woke up... and over the past few years I'm slowly getting better... I'm know longer binge as much although when I'm do I'm can't help but spew...only last week I'm saw my cousin who is 12 years old... she brought back all my memories.... although she's worse than I'm am.. she is like out of a concentration camp.... she won't eat... but it's not about body image.. it's about control... eating disorders can base around anything it's this obsession with food that kills us all that makes us feel so empty inside....I'm pray to god and want to comfort people.. the way I'm wanted to be comforted......
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Dear Lisa,
First, I would like to commend you on your story which appeared in People magazine earlier this year. When I read your story, I happened to be in the waiting room at my local hospital, getting blood taken to test my electrolytes. I was with my boyfriend's parents, who have been through and seen the true depths of an eating disorder with me. So, while I'm reading the magazine, they both asked me if I enjoyed living like this, was this really a way of life, having to come to the hospital every other day for an anorexia-related reason? How do you think Steven (their son) feels? Why, why, why do I want to harm such a beautiful girl like me? Why did the girls in the magazine do it? By this time, everyone in the waiting room is staring at us, I knew that I weighted in that morning at 81lbs. Lisa, I changed my life after that morning. I admitted myself (again) into the University of Pittsburgh ed unit, and swore I'd never return to that life again. I'm 27 now, and ready to be healthy and live. -K
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Well, Lisa...
I have alot to say. I have some poems, feelings and just dumb stuff to say, so I will thank you in advance for reading this. Well, I'll be honest with you. I am a binge-eator recovering into anorexia. Not a good thing. It has been a battle of one or the other since grade 9, I am now in grade 12. I do go to a support group but my friends and family dont know a thing about any of it.
When I first came to your site, I was having a very bad food-day and was looking fo tips to purge...I didn't. As I read your site over the next week off and on I learned some stuff. I really was looking for pictures...well, I just found them. Rather than compare myself to them I was disgusted. I don't want to look like that...so I KNOW that I have to stop...but not yet...I am not ready to lose "Anna" yet...but I will never look like that. Well, on to some poetry...
Just a minute...
I was happy today
for just a minute
to discover I had a hip bone...
(no I am not going through puberty)
I was happy today
for just a minute
I can see more than one rib...
(no not the kind you eat)
I was happy today
for just a minute
I could feel my collar bone
(no I did not just take off a sweatshirt)
I was happy today
for just a minute
but it didn't last very long
My mind was playing tricks on me
I'm not thin, she is still thinner than me
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder...
those eyes are my own.
Friendship
I have a new best friend
that only I can know
she is with me all the time
wherever I decide to go
She stops me from making bad decisions
or doing something wrong
but this is only on reason
why we get along
She tells the truth
she never lies
although it's sometimes hard to see
that really all she thinks about is what is best for me
My other friends and family
don't seem to understand
why it is I like her so
why I need her hand
She used to come and go
she never did stay
but now she has come back to me
never to go away
mirror, mirror on the wall, whose the fairest of them all?
Not me, not yet, but soon you'll see,
everyone will want to be just like me
Well, all for now... love Danielle
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After reading this section of the site, I realize just how maddening this disease is. I've been in treatment 12 times now. I just returned home 3 days ago from the last treatment. I often ask myself what it will take for me to give this up. I've tried group therapy, individual therapy, inpatient treatment, and self-control. I have learned tons, yet the anorexia still consumes my every thought. I left treatment this time telling my friends that I had to leave because of insurance. That wasn't exactly true. The truth is that I just don't know how to live a "normal" life. I started to recover in March of this year and did really well for awhile, but the pressures of getting a job, making friends, living on my own, and daily activities just blew me away. I have lived in this anorexic world for 15 years. I have no clue how to go to the grocery store, buy food for the week, then cook it. I have no idea how to work in a job interacting with other people. I don't know how to sit with myself and not do something harmful to myself. I want so desperately to live in this "normal" world, yet it scares the hell out of me. I believe that God is the only one who can deliver me from this hell i've created, but can he save me from myself? I thought if I were thin enough I could just disappear. Well, I guess I met my goal. It seems as though I have disappeared to the people I so dearly love. I have never felt so alone in my whole life. Now all that's left is my, my head, and my disease. Not a real good combination. I do believe that recovery is possible, but I don't know how to do it alone. I need someone to teach me. I need to learn how to crawl again and walk again and say my first words and eat my first foods. It's so natural for people to hold, nurture, love, and teach an infant, a toddler, and a child, but noone will do those things for us. But that's what we all are in recover. We are all infants when we begin this so how do we learn? Who will love and nurture us until we can learn to love and nurture ourselves? Who will keep us from self-destructing? Who will keep us from dying? I feel that the reality is our diseases push people so far away...put up walls of steel. The people who love us don't know what to do anymore. They are tired. They are stressed out. They have their own lives to live. But they are our strength, our hope, our way back to their life. So when they walk away, what do we have left? As their lives go on, our lives will dimenish. Who is going to save us from deaths grip? Reality? There is noone left. Death is just a matter of time. -J
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Head over to page 3 of Food for Thought.
