Food For Thought page 4
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When winning feels like lossing
I have been struggling with anorexia and bulimia for the past 5 yrs... There are like old friends. It's as though we belong to a secret society, living with harsh rules and destructive consequences since the end of high school and throughout all of my adult life. For the first time I want help. I am now in counseling. However it feels, at times, that recovery is for the weak. Winning is loosing. Things are getting better. I can almost imagine living a normal life. A few months ago I had no clue what normal was. I realize now that there is no such thing as normal. I can feel things changing for the better. My body looks healthier now. Yet sometimes if feels as though I have lost all my willpower. I'm becoming like everyone else, with the same eating habits. This is when winning is loosing. Once I prided myself on my extreme willpower. For this same reason I received praise from those around me. Now that's all gone, and it's hard to keep from feeling like I'm loosing.
Casey
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A Mother's Story
In January 1999, Kelsey, my 10-year old daughter, asked if she could go to a weight loss camp in the summer instead of her usual camp. She had been cruising the net and had one all picked out. Her father and I reasoned that even though our daughter wasn't really overweight, if the camp would make her feel better about herself, why not? Since it was located in La Jolla, near her grandparents, we agreed that she could go. We contacted the camp, sent in the money, and put that little "to do" out of our minds. With that seemingly innocent request and unbeknownst to us, Kelsey had taken the first few steps on what would become a single-minded and harrowing journey toward death by self-imposed starvation.
She began to diet and exercise. It all seemed so innocent that winter. We approved; after all, she could stand to lose a little weight, right? Slowly, so slowly that we never noticed it, she cut many foods, then whole food groups, from her diet. A few months passed. She stopped eating with us, saying that she'd already eaten or would eat later. When we forced her to eat dinner with us, she was often sullen and simply pushed her food around on her plate.
People from all parts of her life began to comment on her new thinness. Kelsey was thrilled and loved the attention it brought her. By then, her dad and I were trying to tempt her with foods she once loved. We were beginning to be a little suspicious that this new eating pattern might not be good for Kelsey. Then, in the late spring, our housekeepers pulled me off to the side and whispered, "She's getting *VERY* thin, don't you think?" I took a new look at her and felt something inside of my heart tear. She was, indeed, far too thin. I took her to the doctor, who talked with her at length about proper nutrition and made a deal with her regarding what she would eat each day. I really thought Kelsey would uphold her end of the deal. She's that sort of girl.
However, the weight continued to come off, albeit a little more slowly. I noticed she was cold all the time, even in the warmth of late spring in California, and I bought her warmer clothes. She seemed to be weighing herself obsessively so I took away her scale. She didn't seem to read anymore, an odd thing since she'd always been a voracious reader so I bought new books for her, new magazines. She accepted them with a smile but they sat, I saw, untouched. She was tired all the time but I noticed she exercised until she was ragged and shaking, so her dad and I forbid her any exercise unless she ate first. None of that helped curb her decline.
At the beginning of June 1999, I called her camp and explained to them that she no longer needed to lose weight and asked if, perhaps, she should not come. They were very reassuring and convinced me that they dealt with all kinds of kids, all sorts of eating disorders. They would assign her to a counselor well versed in her problems and she would be with other kids who were not eating enough. As long as she ate 1200 calories a day, they told me, she would be fine in their program. Since I was still very innocent with regard to Kelsey's problem, I agreed to their plan with a sense of profound relief that someone who knew about this would be working with her. I had no idea that, by then, she was eating only 500 calories a day or less. (She would eventually, at her worst, fall to eating less than 300 calories a day, each one miserly hoarded and counted, each one consumed only grudgingly.) I had no clue that she was edging closer to dying with each day, with each set of sit-ups.
Near the end of June we sent her off to visit her grandparents for a week. We figured that if she didn't eat while with them, she wouldn't actually die. It was just one week, right? They would drop her off at camp at the end of the week. We knew the people at her camp would manage her food intake; they were professionals, after all.
Two days after she began camp they called us to tell us that she wasn't eating at all and they couldn't keep her there if she didn't begin to eat. A day later they called to ask us to make arrangements to fly her home; she was probably anorexic, they said, and definitely very ill. We didn't know anything at all about "anorexia" and it scared us badly.
Kelsey was sent home on Friday July 2nd. The week before we had learned that in August we would be moving to Spokane. Between the end of June, when we learned of the move, and August 10th, when we actually arrived in Spokane, our new home, we managed two very long weekends in Spokane, weekends we needed to devote single-mindedly to finding and buying an appropriate house. Kelsey was seeing an eating disorders specialist in our Northern California town during this period and it was during this hectic, wild, worried time, that we finally got a diagnosis about Kelsey's condition. She was definitely, frighteningly, intently, anorectic.
Three days after we moved Spokane, on August 13th, Kelsey turned eleven years old. On August 15th she was admitted into the pediatric intensive care unit at a local hospital. Kelsey, our incredibly determined daughter had managed to lose 56 pounds in about six months, almost half her body weight.
When she was admitted to the hospital, her digestive system was not working at all. Her heart was beating irregularly. Her brain had shrunk. Her core body temperature was way too low. The hair on her head was coming out in handfuls and she was growing lanugo on her abdomen. She was yellow. We had her admitted over her vehement protests. She still wanted to lose more weight. Her doctor told us that she was only a handful of days away from death.
I held her as she cried weakly, like the scared little girl she was, when they pushed the feeding tube down through her nose, through her stomach, and into her intestines. Her dad and I spent night after night, day after day, in her hospital room. We flew a procession of relatives and friends to Spokane, to care for our two-year old son, so we could spend time with Kelsey. We watched her fight her doctors over eating. We heard her scream at them, hating them for wanting to "make her fat". She screamed at us too, for the same reason. It was an exhausting, painful, ragged, hurting, confusing time for us all
The doctor in charge of managing her anorexia, the renowned Dr. Jim States, took it all in stride. Her wonderful counselor, Lisa Middaugh, came daily, as did the nutritionist. The fourth member of the team was another counselor, Rick Graff, who worked with her dad and me, trying to keep us somewhat balanced in the midst of the horror that had overshadowed our lives. We needed all this help, we were told, to get through the crises and on into the healing beyond. This marvelous team approach is a central component of the approach Dr. States uses in combating this disease.
She was in the ICU for more than two weeks, then in the regular pediatrics unit for another couple weeks. Throughout that time, her doctors, nutritionist, and counselors, the "team" that was charged with her care, worked tirelessly to insure her survival. Through that time we slowly grew accustomed to the idea of having a critically ill child. We slowly began to see some light beyond the dark clouds of our worst fears. Dr. States and his team would save our child.
She was released from the hospital. A couple weeks later the feeding tube was removed. She began 6th grade the day after it came out. Though it was a few weeks after everyone else went back to school, and new school to boot, she was glad to be there, glad to be doing something "normal".
That was in late September. Since then, she's had the feeding tube replaced and removed again, twice. We've learned to not soar too high when she's doing well and not to drop too low when she's sinking. We've learned that this is a family disease and that Kelsey's run with the anorexia-demons is only the outward manifestation of the ills unvoiced inside our family. We've learned that we all love each other and there's nothing we cannot get through, given patience and honesty and a high tolerance for emotional and physical pain.
She's doing better now, in these last few days before Christmas. A couple of days ago she confessed to me in a small voice that she was craving just a taste of fudge, just a sliver.
"It has been so long," she said, sounding like a sad child, "since I've had any chocolate at all. Since last Christmas, I think. A year ago."
"Then have some," I told her, my heart breaking for the long, self-imposed, sterile austerity of her diet. No chocolate? She's only just eleven. She's missed a whole year's worth of chocolate bunnies and birthday cakes with chocolate icing and late night hot cocoa and staying up too late with her girlfriends to whisper and eat M&M's.
"Maybe I will," she answered, surprising me. "Maybe I will."
Kelsey will recover. We grieve for those who do not, though, and offer their parents our most profound condolences. To those just beginning the journey through anorexia-hell with your child, I offer my deep and tender hope that your daughter someday craves `just a sliver of fudge'.
We're all pretty worn out, here in Spokane Washington, in the last few days of 1999. We're looking forward to health and quiet pleasures in the year to come. I wish them to you, too.
Be well.
Barbara, Kelsey's mother
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Lisa.
As I am typing this I am sobbing and I feel totally completely alone in what I call my own personal hell. I am a white male 27 years old and I am bulimic. I just got through vomitting an hour ago. That has become my daily ritual up to 4 times a day. Except tonight, tonight I thought I was going to die over the toilet bowl. As I threw up I felt like I was having a
heart attack. I felt like my heart was bursting out of my chest and throat. I could hear my heart beating in my ears, I nearly passed out, I quite litterally thought I was going to die. My only thought was I did not want my girl friend to find me dead over the toilet bowl, with my vommit still in the bowl. I DID NOT WANT TO BE FOUND THAT WAY, NOT LIKE THAT.
Now comes the irony of it all. Tomorrow as I get up and look in the mirror I am gonna hate what I see. I am not going to eat all day long. I am going to hate feeling hungry all day. If I do eat, I am going to hate eating. I will eventually eat because my G/F hates it when I dont eat. Then I will later vommit, hate what I am doing, hate myself for doing it again. I hate feeling bad, I hate constantly feeling hungry, I hate not being able to eat. What I hate most of all is not being able to be in control of myself. I just hate myself generally...
Despite what just happend to me an hour ago I will do it again. The fear of being what I was a year ago is hell to me too. I decided to do something about that. I decided to become bulimiac. Except I did not label myself as such. I was just going todo that for a while until I became thin. Well now I am 5' 9" I weigh 187 pounds and I cant stop. I don't want to be a fat slob ever again. I am sure this is an all to famialar story to you. But men don't suffer from such things as an eating disorder. That is a womans aflication. I went online looking for a support group and I came across your web site. I read your story thought, maybe you might be able to help me find a support group here in Seattle. I have been suffering with this off and on sense high school, for ten years all most. But the past year has been a complete hell to me. I
feel like I am all alone in this. Nobody could possibly understand what I feel like. I look in the mirror, I Hate the person staring back at me. Because I am such a weak person. Please help me help myself. -Shane
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NOTE: I am happy to report that I have e-mailed Shane and he has since found a support group in Seattle. I thought his letter was an excellent example of men suffering with eating disorders and I want to bring light to this reality
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Hi Lisa,
You have done a fantastic job with your webpage. Its true and to the point, and yes, it shows the "not so glamorous side" of anorexia. People need to see that anorexia is not all cracked up to what they might think it is. Its a demon, one who grabs onto anyone who will let it, and stays there, until something major happens, like you die, or you stand up and "FIGHT" it. That is exactly what i did, fight it, and I am happy to say I am in recovery for anorexia for 5 years now. It's been a long and difficult road, but it is SO WORTH IT!! I finally have control of my life again, the anorexia is NOT controlling me anymore.
I have had my eating disorder on and off for 20 years, nearly half my life. I, like the rest of us, have been hospitalized for it, and thats what saved my life. I also have medical conditions as a result of the eating disorder, but I have accepted them, and I know I can't change that, so I do my best to keep myself healthy. I still have some ups and downs with my anorexia, and thats why I say I am in recovery, as I feel, recovery is a life long committment. I know I will never go down that horrible road to anorexia again, I have come to far in my life and recovery to ever let it take my life again, I have worked hard for where I am today!
I just wanted to tell everyone that a life with an eating disorder is not an EXCITING life at all. Its a life of HELL, a constant battle in your head with the voice of anorexia, struggling to stay alive, feeling selfworthlessness, shame, guilt, isolating, you name it, its all there. Please, don't choose this life, its NOT WORTH IT, believe me I know. I almost LOST everything in my life, including my life!! YES, I know RECOVERY is hard, but it is so worth it, I can't stress that enough, to have my life back again, is the most wonderful FEELING in the world. I have so much to live for, and I am seeing that now. I finally love "me" for the first time in my life, and its great. I deserve a happy, healthy, eating disorder FREE life!! AND SO DO ALL OF YOU!!!!!!!!!!
Take care and have a great day!! -Kim
http://www.angelfire.com/oh3/anorexia
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Dear Lisa,
I periodically check back to your site, and I haven't read the section about the image diary until today. I must say that I think this is an EXCELLENT idea. Many times I have found myself looking back at photos taken of myself on a "bad day", and wonder how I could have ever felt that way at the time. Often I think photos show us what we cannot see in the mirror...the truth. I have suggested this idea to people with severely disturbed body images that visit my website. I discovered the power of the photos purely by accident because I usually take weeks or months to get my film developed. Ironically I have been working on a page for my site which explains this idea. Maybe that is why your "image diary" section caught my attention
this particular time.
I also read your section called "paper dolls", and noticed that you mentioned all the People Magazine coverage of eating disorders. I commend them for their major efforts in getting these diseases noticed. I also commend you for sharing your stories so openly, that is quite a gift you give to everyone suffering. This is not something easily shared, it takes a lot of strength! Be proud of yourself! It is obvious that you dedicate a lot of time and effort into your website. I also noticed that you have listed television programs and movies dealing with eating disorders. Often I hear about them from visitors to of website after the fact, and regret missing them. Please continue to keep us posted of these!
Again, your site is great. (Although I worry the photos and jokes may be triggers for some). You have a great thing going...I am certain you will be a great help to many people suffering from these painful disorders.
Sincerely, Makayla
http://www.angelfire.com/pa2/eatingdisorders
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Silent Stalker
I think we became acquainted many years ago
Though I suspect you were there long before I knew
You stood by me when no one else would
You were my true love, my soul mate
You gave me all the attention I would ever need
At first, I could not hear you. But I could feel your presence
or was I ignoring you?
You began to whisper to me so softly. I could not make out your words
One day you whispered louder. This time I heard you
I wanted to listen
The promise of identity. The promise of perfection within my skin
I lived each and every one of those promises
You began to speak louder and louder. I couldn't disobey you
There were prices to pay
I began to resent the control you exerted upon me. I resisted, became
deaf, became blind...all to no avail
You tied my hands behind my back. I am helpless
You taunt me with your promises, your rules, your threats and
your undying love
You began to stalk my every move and thoughts and feelings in every
waking hour
You are the object of my affection
You became too close. My thoughts are no longer mine..they belong to
you. I belong to you
You are my nightmare
You stalk me in the daylight and especially at nightime. I am afraid to
sleep
You watch me when I least expect it...then you attack with a vengeance
You are hiding in every corner of my being. But I know where you are
I always know where you are
I try to tiptoe around you..but you always find me
I let you find me
You seek out my weaknesses and stalk me all over again
I love this game
I have no privacy. You know everything I do and every move I make
You see me truly naked
At times I love you. You are all I have ever known to be safe and
consistent
Always be consistent
I fear you will stalk me until I surrender the ultimate sacrifice
my soul...my spirit..my being
I control it..I control it all..you take it all away..I must obey the
rules
We are now one
I will find the key I misplaced long ago..The key you stole from within
me
Am I able to search? Will you search for me?
Only you don't posses the key..There is no key
The door has always been slightly ajar
-Tami
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