Food For Thought page 5
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Dear Lisa,
I'm 16-years-old, and I struggled with bulimia and anorexia for 10 years, since kindergarten (believe it or not). I started making myself throw up all my food during "nap time" (can you imagine that?). This was all because my mom was bulimic at the time, and I had caught her making herself throw up a few times. My brother informed me that "Throwing up makes you skinny" when I had inquired. All this I remember so well: constantly checking the nutritional facts on cartons of food even at the age of 3 and 4, looking for low sugar and high protein content. I remember sitting down once, and noticing that I was chubby (I was 4 years old and not chubby by any standards for a 4-year-old). I remember hearing my brother telling me that throwing up makes you skinny. I stuck my finger down my throat and vomited. It was fun, I thought, but scary. I was far too mature for my age. I immediately felt thin, so I did it every single day for the next 4 years. I figured I could eat whatever I wanted to eat, as long as I vomited later. By the time I was 7 years old, I met all the diagnostic criteria for bulimia.
When I was 10-years-old, my mother enrolled me in ballet classes. The ultimate anorexia-inducer (that's not a real phrase, is it?).The teachers were beautiful, their skinny, graceful bodies flying and leaping through the air. I felt like a tub of lard, landing heavily on my feet and having "enormous" thighs that bulged out of my pink tights. When I look at photographs of that time, I was a complete stick, literally. My bones jutted out and I was literally a skelton. Where I got the notion that I was fat, I don't know. But I thought I was fat. I thought to myself at the time: "My god, I'm so fat, and yet I still vomit all my food! I must be doing something wrong!"
I immediately came to the conclusion that they must have been eating no sugar and lots of protein (this notion was left over from my days as a 3-year-old inspecting the sugar and protein contents on every article of food in the supermarket). I immediately went on a low-sugar, high-protein diet, and a few months into the diet, cut that down to a piece of chicken a day.
I came to believe that anorexia meant being feminine, dainty, graceful, beautiful, perfect, happy, popular and outgoing- the "perfect" person. I wanted to be that person. I lived on one piece of chicken and loads of water a day for the next few years. I didn't eat anything except for the dinner my mom prepared (which was almost always a Healthy Choice or Weight Watchers TV dinner with 180 calories in the full meal). I didn't vomit that, because I figured, it was high in protein, so it was good for me. When the initial hunger pangs, excruciating headaches and dizziness subsided, I emerged a full-blown anorectic at age 11, struggling to find the "perfect" person within me, which I "knew" was hidden beneath layers of fat (what fat?!). I was 5'4 and about 60 pounds when I was first hospitalized (I still cannot believe that I maintained a full-blown, serious eating disorder for 8 years without being discovered or having anything happen to me). My body, they discovered, was completely messed up.
My family was completely shocked that I had been doing this to myself without their knowing. I suppose they never realized because I never really went through puberty, and I never really appeared to lose weight, I was always a little stick. I showed no real signs of anorexia (I got home at about 5:30 from school and sports every day, and nobody realized that I hadn't eaten anything that entire day). My mother should have known better... she was bulimic, she should have acknowledged the chronically puffy face and scarred fingers and the fact that I had never gotten my period.
My life was changed when I read your webpage. I realized for the first time in my life that anorexia is not this glamourous thing that makes people feminine, graceful and happy. I thought I would be happy when I was thin, and when I was thin and depressed, I figured it was because I needed to lose more weight to acheive the happiness that supposedly came with anorexia. It never happened, and I realize that it never will because of your webpage and the articles about you in People magazine. Thank you for showing me the light.
Now, a year after my first hospitalization, I'm definately on the road to recovery. I got my first period two months ago, and while it scared me, I didn't fall back into anorexia like I thought I would. I'm at a fairly healthy weight now, and I attribute most of it to you, Lisa. Thank you so much, you've been of so much help to me, and you probably will never know just how special you really are to me.
I want people everywhere to know that you can recover, and that even if you think that you'll never be able to live without an eating disorder, and even if you think your eating disorder is the greatest weapon against gaining weight and your greatest tool to gain popularity, it's not true. I lived with that lie for 10 years, and now I'm struggling so hard, merely a 10th grader, to get my life back, to pick up the scraps and move on with my life. I'm happier now than I ever was when I was nothing more than a twig. People like me now because I'm happy and hyper and fun to be with, and they don't even care what I weigh.
Before, I thought people would like me because I was thin and not intimidating and I didn't get in the way of things. That's also a lie. Please try to get help. I can't stress this enough. Please try to get help.
Thank you for listening to me.
--Ais
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I have a story to tell. I have been struggling with this disease for almost 20 years. I am thirty now and always maintain a low weight. I am pregnant with my first child due in five weeks. It is amazing to my parents that I have been able to carry the child this long and it to be healthy. I listen to constant lectures from my parents that I am eating for two when I really am not. My brother did not call me for two months and the first words out of his mouth when we first spoke were, How much weight have you gained? I thought that was a tasteless remark from my brother who has watched me struggle with this disease for many years.
One of the most difficult things is coworkers, friends, and relatives constantly staring at me waiting for my stomach to pop out. Many people say well where is it? Then my boss finaly saying after being 7 months pregnant you're starting to look pregnant all the time. It is verydifficult to listen to these comments every day especially when you have all the hormones going too.
People then treat you like a fragile doll that should not do anything. Are you sure you should be exercising?
Then my husband says why don't we wait about the birth control and see if you get pregnant again. He does not understand fully how difficult this is for me.
Every day is a struggle looking into the mirror watching your stomach stick out when you are not used to it.
I wish people would stop starring. I would say pregnancy is very difficult for a recovered anorexic.
-Pamela R.
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Dear Lisa,
My name is Christina. I am 14 years old and have been suffering from anorexia for about a year and a half now. I just found your website and it has been SO HELPFUL. Thankk you so much for taking the time to help those of us who are still stuck in the "web."
I'm witing to you and everyone else out there for help. I'm so confused right now that I'm in tears. Part of me is yearning to get better. It wants to be normal. It wants to be able to eat without worry. It wants to throw away all the food related thoughts. But my anorexic voice won't leave me alone. It says that if i get better I'll be fat, unhappy and not "special" anymore. I know that sounds horrible. So if you or anyone else out there can help me, I would greatly appreciate it. I also wrote a poem about it. I know it's not very good but here it is. Love, Christina
My Battle
It snuck up on me. It came into my body and my mind
Without me even knowing it, Until it was too late.
It wanted me dead.
But I fought it.
It almost killed me.
But then I was reborn.
It almost sent me to the hospital, Still sucking me in,
With others trying to fight it By sticking tubes up my nose,
To feed me because it wouldn't allow me to do it myself.
But again, I was winning the battle.
Victory was in sight!
But no, it still lives inside me.
Medicine is helping my weak mind now.
But it is only a crutch, A tool.
Not a cure.
Will I win?
It's voice constantly creeps into me saying,
"You want me. What would you do without me?"
But my little strength talks to me too.
It screams
"Fight this! Live again!"
Who do I listen to?
The one who has given me what I want? But wait, it hasn't.
It has made others see what I can't and wish I could.
It is slowly killing me.
Why listen to it?
I should listen to the true right voice- The one that wants me to live.
But that would mean the worse thing of all:
FAT!
The enemy.
What do I do?
Help!
Before it's too late
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I visit your site frequently simply because it shows me I'm not alone. Other odd little things I do but don't realize it's a pattern in anorexics (i.e. eating crunchy foods when I actually DO eat). The silent competition article among anorexics really got me. That was something I've done almost unconsciously with a guilty thrill when I realized that my thigh was smaller than this other girl who (I assumed) was also anorexic. She watched me too, I noticed, but we never talked and I eventually moved when my family did. I'd eye her with the scrutiny I used on myself in the mirror and try to guess if she had binged that weekend or if my neck looked thinner and more graceful than hers. I would have never guessed that my private game was rampant among the EDU (Eating Disorder Underground, as you put it).
I'm writing mainly to ask a question. Is it possible to be born with anorexic tendencies and not a result of one's environment? As a baby, my mother has told me that I refused eating for no reason and as I grew older (toddler-age) I would reject foods because of color or movement (esp. pasta and eggs) and would sit stubbornly at the table rebelliously when forced to eat at dinner -- even into the night until mother would give in and make me go to bed. That eating pattern continued with increasing pickiness. I turned vegetarian (and still am) when I was a high school freshman and toyed with the "fruitarian" diet of eating only fruits and vegetables (which both of my parents hated the idea of). When I was a sophomore I began to first view myself as an anorexic and wouldn't eat cheese or milk because I feared it was contaminated with fat globules (as my Chemistry text book put it that year making the blood drain from my face). I'm a high school junior currently and my eating is decreasing. Yesterday and today I haven't eaten any solid foods (diet sodas, fruit juice, and water only).
Even in the condition itself I can see my behavior as being odd. I have always had a super-high metabolism, have been extremely thin (from my childhood photos I can look back on), and other than eating habits have been a perfectly happy child with a wild imagination. My parents are ideal -- both on their first marriage lasting 17 years -- and I have a younger sister who's something of a tomboy. She (my sister) is my exact opposite in frame - I'm tall (5'9") and waif-ish and she's on the shorter side and muscular like a swimmer. No haunting childhood past or memories to make me want to be self-abusive. In fact, I'm a generally happy person. I'm happier when I don't eat and become grouchy and sullen when I do.
Recently, my bedroom computer was having technical problems and I used the den computer that's generally for my parents one night. I went to www.anorexicweb.com to see your updates and logged off later. When I got back from school the next day, Mom pulled me aside into her room and I was dreading what she was about to say. Had she found my stash of Ziplocks in my nightclothes drawer? Had she discovered some old poetry I wrote? No, she had gone online and when she typed "www" a list of sites popped up on the scroll bar -- one of which was "www.anorexicweb.com". I almost talked to her honestly about it. She's a very upfront person and is into nature and astronomy and scientific things like that. She might be the only one to really understand from a factual-sort-of-viewpoint. But then she started crying. Right there and I froze. Excuses were never a problem for me before and this one came out just as easily as the ones before it. I laughed and told her not to be ridiculous. Don't scare me like that, mother! I thought a friend had died or something tragic. I told her that I was doing research on the influence of the media and anorexia was one of the subheadings. Why must she be such a silly, emotional woman? "Oh!" She's laughing now out of relief. Played off so well with timed perfection after her first sob.
I wasn't going to tell her the truth and have it crash down upon my life just yet. Anyhow, when I refused to eat as a child she'd force me to, and that's exactly what I DON'T want.
Oh, God, I just wrote a lot. My main question was if one could be born with an anorexic imbalance. If in the future I decide to tell her (I had a nightmare last night that she found out and that I couldn't think of another excuse and she was thrashing around the house crying), I would want to be able to inform her of that possibility (though I'd have to be examined by a professional psychologist for the absolute answer) and that it wasn't "her fault".
I do so love your site. I'm also very surprised and thankful that you keep things updated regularly and with dedication on top of your medical schedule. Thanks dearly -- from all of us! -Sally
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Dear Sally,
Your letter was astounding. You seem smart and I appreciate your honesty so much (honesty with the world and with oneself is so very very hard).
I absolutely believe that the complex world of psychology has not figured out for certain what causes anorexia nervosa. My personal experience and in meeting over thousands of people with eating disorders (that I was 100% blessed to have met while working at Rader for several years...) is that there are a LOT of causes for anorexia. What I have seen is that there is a combination of things happening just at the "right" time and just at the "right" place and anorexia will be created in any body (physiologically, spiritually, karma-ically, genetically, environmentally, culturally, biologically, emotionally...).
I have seen commonalitites over the years among people with eating disorders and it is these common-theme issues that often makes the anorexia books and research studies. And one of those things is the way someone was breast fed, and/or their early childhood eating experiences were traumatizing in some way then that child was "at risk" for developing an eating disorder. I have heard of this and it applies to many but not to all (which just leaves us therapists struggling with causes). So yes, your early experiences may absolutely be a "main" cause. Your situation sounds quite difficult and for this I send you my understanding, empathy and support! What I also see is that your honesty is going to be a saving grace for you... and so I wish you strength and the ability to learn to love yourself.
I actually found a key sentence in your e-mail that I think may be quite profound as a deeper look at your anorexia, and I hope you will understand what I'm stuck by...
YOU WROTE: "Anyhow, when I refused to eat as a child she'd force me to, and that's exactly what I DON'T want."
With hope and strength in recovery, Lisa
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On an eating disorder messageboard I found a link to your website. So much scary information on your website. My best friend and I were just starting to develop an ED together, we wanted to lose weight quickly and thought that starving ourselves and purging would help us. I guess we are lucky that I discovered your site because we would be completely screwed if we ended up starting. Actually, we started 2 days before I found this site. I'm so glad I did, I guess it was like a message from "above". You're site encouraged me to not go through with the eating disorder and when i get the chance i'm sending a link to my friend. We are gonna lose weight the healthy right way. Thank you so much for this website. You enlightened me on this subject. I just figured I could work around it, we'd make each other stop if we got that horrible, bone-sticking out figure, but that probably wouldn't have worked. You've saved my life and my friends from what would have become a struggling horrible life. Thank you again. ~MeLissa
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