Food for Thought Page 7


Food For Thought page 7 ~~________________________________~~ lost, lost, lost. I have a problem. No, I don't that's what the stupid jessica thinks, the one who wants to stay fat. my boyfriend says i have been cranky lately, you would be cranky too if your fat fat thighs jiggled and your gut protruded. i can count my ribs, but not all of them yet, my collarbones just don't jut out far enough, my hip bones are still partially covered by the thick fat covering my body. I know the 500 or less calories i limit myself to are still too much, but sometimes the food gets in and i don't even realize until after when the lead jessica is screaming at the failure. the food in my stomach. i feel it sometimes, the carrots i ate, i can feel them becoming fat on my legs. sometimes my head is full of screaming at the horrible failure i have become. i know i am worthless although i like to say i'm not, just to make myself feel better. candy-coating the truth. they say at work i need to eat and i look anorexic, but they don't understand, i'm not. if they saw my fat naked body, they would take the food away themselves. i'm going to get help, i say. but if i went and told someone that when someone mentions food the first thing that comes to my mind is how to get out of eating it they would make me eat and the fat would come back and then i would be ugly, ugly UGLY. so frustrating. i long to eat, i long to eat without the voices screaming at me with every bite and the depression that comes with the failure of a meal. lost, lost, lost. ~~________________________________~~ Lisa, First of all I will start out by saying that I really enjoy your web site. I have probably gone through everything at least 5 times.I have written you before, but the last time I did I was in a very frantic state. You never wrote me back and that kind of hurt my feelings because IREALLY needed someone who could relate to what I was and am still going through, but this last time I saw where you wrote that you weren't able to respond to people's emails and why and then I didn't feel so bad anymore. A little bit about myself now. I guess you could say that I have had disordered eating most of my life, but it has really gone to the extreme over the past 6 months. When I was a teenager I had a mother who called me fat all of the time and made me feel like complete shit about myself. You would think that would make me eat less, well it didn't. I wasn't ever REALLY fat, but looking back now I was quite a chunky little girl. I am 5'7" and at that time weighed about 150-155, now I weigh 112-117. I know that I have lost a lot of weight, but I was actually more comfortable with my body then than I am now. When i look in the mirror now I see a fat cow even though I am the smallest that I have ever been. Some days are better than others though. Some days I don't completely starve myself, but if I do eat too much one day then I won't eat for the next 2 days to make up for it. I know this isn't good for me and is really hurting my body. I rarely have energy and when I do I am bouncing off the walls. I usually take Tylenol PM at night to sleep, but sometimes even that doesn't work. Believe it or not, right now is one of my better times. I go through tiny stages where I eat somewhat normal (to me anyway) or I won't hardly eat anything at all. I try to evaluate my life and what has been going on that may trigger it to be worse at times, but lately things have actually been going very well in my life. I just feel FAT! I want to be able to get on the scale and for it to say 105. When that happens I think that I will finally be ok with everything, but the thing that scares me about that is that I am completely aware of the side effects my body is feeling and that they will only get worse. I don't like being moody all of the time, but if I'm just a little bit skinnier maybe they will go away. No one understands me. My boyfriend tried to tell me taht he thought that I had a eating disorder a few months ago, so I was kind of forced to start eating a little more in front of him, once I did the subject was dropped, so now I can go about telling him that I have already eaten or I'm not hungry and he doesn't harrass me about it. You know, feeling fat all of the time SUCKS!! It sucks counting every calorie that you put in your mouth, right down to the gum you chew! It's so annoying, but I can't stop. No matter what it is I am constantly adding it all up and if I go over a certain number I put myself down and make myself feel even worse. The sickest part of it all is feeling good about yourself when you can go a day or two or even three without putting an ounce of food in your body! I hate these thoughts and I wish they would go away, but honestly, will they EVER truly leave your mind????? I don't feel that they ever will. Sorry this email has been so long, but it feels good to get these feelings off of my chest because I have NO ONE else to tell them to!I don't know how the whole food for thought thing works, but if you want to put this email or part of it on there you can. Maybe someone will respond.Thank you for the web site, I think it's really awesome and good luck to you, Lisa!! Keri Hammond, Age 24 kshammond@hotmail.com ~~________________________________~~ Dear Lisa, First of all, I love your site! I have found so much comfort and insight in your writings! I feel like I have written every word myself! I am a 16 year old anorexic/ bulimic and am struggling each day to keep in the fight. I know you are very busy but I have 2 songs I have written about my struggles that I thought you might use in your site. Thank you for all of the work you are doing! you are a God Send! :) Adda~ In this song, "Adda" is my lover and my enemy in one: anorexia ~ Adda, such a good friend to me, Dear Adda, you're all that Ill ever need Oh Adda Adda, you give me the strengh to die, Adda, you give me wings to fly away, Oh Adda Watch the sky fall Watch my tears come Watch my arms open wide to you Oh Adda Adda, I need you somehow, Though you've hurt me You give me reason to go on, Oh Adda On my own, here I am. Without you I know I can't Im, not enough by myself I need you, I need you, I need you, somehow. Adda, I'm empty since you left me, Adda, I can't go on without you near me, Adda, I love to feel you rip me apart On my own (again) I can't stand the pain over and over and over I need you with me Somehow I need your hand To hold me down. Before His Throne ~~~ This poem is about Bulimia ~~~ Before His throne she hangs her head Her eyes fixed on his beauty. And on her knees she bows- Pleading only to be worthy. And with her hands begging- Only for a moment in his sight. He tears like dew upon his feet Fall heavy here tonight. "Awake, oh silent one, I pray!" She hides her moth in terror. "Do you see my offering?" Silent he remains silent in her pain. Her pulse pounding in her heart Her chest lightly contracting The only sounds to be heard Those only here distracting. His merciless fit does not acknowledge her face His shouts only degrade her. Still she returns for more, "If only it would get better Will this ever get better?" ~~________________________________~~ Subject: Just a poem..... Hi, my name is Lesley and I'm dealing with anorexia. I know this is going to sound somewhat morbid but I think you'll understand the logic. I don't want to give up my anorexia. I enjoy having it and I don't want to let it go. I just thought I might drop a little poem about the dichotomy that we all deal with. I hope someone will read it and realize they are not the only ones that are walking contradictions MY anorexia It is my friend It is my lover The most intimate feeling of all Even sex Cannot surpass The closness I have with it The insomnia The constant fatigue Is a reminder I've been a good girl Yet I don't want to feel this way But am willing to do so To appease it and for my own sanity I think about The friend That I have found in it I don't want it to leave I enjoy it's continutity Please don't take away The only true constant And most loyal thing in my life MY anorexia I'm sorry it's not as good as some of my other ones but I will try to submit the better ones when I dig them up. Let me know what you think. LESLEY ~~________________________________~~ Well you site has to be one of the most honest ed sites I have ever come across. For me it has had a pretty scary effect but very good. I cannot say that I will stop my ways but what I have realised in this past hour is that I may want to be thin but seeing the images on your site, I know now that I wouln't ever want to become that thin. I began (if you can say that) my ed as a compulsive eater at around the age of 8 (due to i think from my turbulant home life, parents fighting, and continual tension). At about the age of 14 I being at that typical age where image seems so important, I began to try out many of those tricks and slowely snow balled into anorexia, although I had no idea of what I was doing to myself at the time. I suppose you can say my mirror was lying, I couldn't see my weight loss at all. Around 17 due to (I think) increasing stress from my final years of highschool and my parents reaching their worst before they split up not long after (thankgod!!) I resorted back to my old childhood behaviours as using food as comfort but because I was still thinking anorexic, putting on weight was horrible, so I guess thats why I started purging....now at 20 I am absolutely sick of my bulimic lifestyle but because with me the only solution is all or nothing...all I can see to get me out of this hole is to stop eating all together...I know thats no answer and thanks to your great site. I have let myself see a slightly different perspective on what I really want. Sure I still have the overwhelming desire to lose weight but I know that I don't want to be sick I don't want to look sick and most of all I don't want to kill myself. thankyou for giving people the oppertunity to see the harsh reality. I can really help if you are ready for it. -Kate ~~________________________________~~ Just briefly I will tell the truth. When I was 14yrs, I started down the scary and terrifying road of anorexia. Anorexia turned bulimia. Parents interviened (not by my choice) but eventually I felt "cured". What I hadnt realized at the time, was that I wasn't. I had substitute one addiction for another. I found speed. That would keep me thin. Eventually I stopped that. My eating was "normal". 6yrs later I relapsed out of nowhere. I thought that I was finally free of the ed, but I wasnt. Before I realized, I was caught up in all the obsessing thoughts about loosing weight. Here's what happened. Both times the eating disorder manifested itself in my life, were at very transitional times for me. First, going to High school, then this relapse during my semester of student teaching. Sept. had begun. I was student teaching. I was very stressed and worried and very busy, so I did not eat a whole lot. but it wasnt on purpose. I truly just felt overwhelmed, and too busy to eat. Then a friend of mine saw me and said "wow, Jen, looks like you have lost weight, have you?" I said I dont know (I havent weighed myself since High School) but sure enough, I went home that day and weighed myself. I had lost about 10lbs. That was all it took. I figured that all I had to do was keep going the way I had these last few weeks, and add some excersize and I would keep loosing. I did. I got down to 112lb (I am 5'3"--started at 135lbs--which is NOT fat!) before anyone noticed. Then one day, I ate something forbidden....that began the b/p again. I kept loosing. By Jan 1st, I was 105lbs. Feb, i was 98lbs and when I got below the 100 mark, that is what scared me. I had to overcome this before, and I knew I couldnt do it alone. My husband was begging me to get help...i went for him at first. Now I recover for myself. I have gained back my weight. but I am now struggling to find acceptance for my new body. I avoid looking too long in the mirror. I find that the hardest part of recovery is liking who I am. being happy with myself no matter what I look like. It is also hard, because i dont feel I have the support that I did when I looked sick. I still need the support and love, more than ever!!!! I am glad Lisa, that you stressed over and over on this site, that MOST ed victims do NOT "appear" super sick....it is subtle. Thank you. The following is not really a poem, more just thoughts I wrote to describe how the anorexia metephored in my life. For so long I have endured A pain of such high intensity "No one can know No one should see The imperfections within me." Left to myself to deal with this hurt Left alone in silent sufferings Turning to the only way I know that can help me cope Which gives me a false sense of hope With every pound I lose The discipline and power grows With each lost pound I find Myself thinking I am in control. Is this my self-punishment? Does this give me a feeling of success? Or is this my way to seek revenge On the matters that make me a mess? It is my identity, who I am, so I cannot let this go Without the way to deal with life This is the only way I know I would not be anything This friend, this enemy is who I am Makes me unique, different This is part of me, my life Starving for attention needing to feel Success, approval, acceptance What would I be without this? I am no one I am no one It is all in perception, all how I FEEL Is it a myth? But it seems so real Fear- Fear of living without it. Fear of the unknown. And constant checking For my bones, Scales, weigh-ins determine My mood Inconsistency, distorted thinking, Hypocrisy I feel nothing numbness that's What I need Food rather than feelings Take me away, occupy my time My loyal, loyal friend, constant Trustworthy friend called "Anorexia" I was in control I was satisfied in my dysfunction This solution to my problems Gave me functioning What this does for me is function What this does to me is dysfunction I had a friend I was free of stress I was feeling self-approval It was my most loyal friend Then it turned on me I didn't feel in control anymore My pain was still there and Became stronger I wasn't happy with myself I felt shame It was no longer a friendly solution I am torn between ~~Jennifer S ~~________________________________~~ Dear Lisa: I just visited your site for the first time. I have had ed's since I was four (a cousin introduced me). I have been every size in the book, but always with that anorexic mentality. It's so nice to know I am not a fraud. I have a webpage that shares my daily journal with my struggles if you ever want to visit it. I really appreciate the reality of your site. It's about time. Here's my url: http://www.angelfire.com/wy/anorexia Take care, and hopefully I'll be working with ed patients when I recover ~~________________________________~~ Lisa - I first read about you in People magazine, and I'll admit that - since I was still anorexic - I envied you, and wished that I could be thinner and thinner. Now I look back and see how strange that wish was, and how much my thinking had turned to mush from my brainwashing by our crazy culture. Now that I am recovering from anorexia, I still try to look for support groups on the Internet to keep myself from relapsing. It's hard, though, because as a high-school student, I constantly feel pressure. A size-two is "ideal," but also absurd because guys wants breasts too, and if you shrink yourself too much, you won't have them. Some days I fantasize about skipping meals, and tell myself that I'll feel "so good" if I do. But then I catch myself, and think about all the mess that anorexia was. Thanks again for your website. Every time I want to be anorexic again, I just visit the site . . . and change my mind. Susan ~~________________________________~~ Dear Lisa-- Just wanted you to know that I enjoyed your website very much. While I doubted your diagnosis that Calista Flockhart has an eating disorder (her face is sallow, her bones jut, and all her hair is falling out, hence the extensions this season--all the "good stuff" we anorexics check for to make sure we are on track) I really enjoyed your soft approach to recovery-- self love and thinking of ourselves as goddesses, creating rather than destroying our bodies. I have been afflicted with anorexia for the past two years--it began around the time I got married and it absolutely consumed the initial happiness I might have known with my husband. He was so worried as the pounds dropped and my brain scrambled, putting my desire to be a size two (at 5"7') above my ambition to finish my Ph.D. in English. I luckily hit bottom and with help from a nutritionist am stabilizing. I still suffer from massive anxiety about letting go of my "acheivement" of being able to go into any store and fit into their smallest clothes, but hopefully I will be able to focus on my new found energy and the benefits eating has brought me. I just got back from a wonderful ski trip with my in-laws (last year I needed to sleep at least four hours during the day and never would have had the energy for such a feat) and hope to let go of my obsession with the scale. I still fear being called "fat" (and think I am heading in that direction at 122) since my mother was so obsessed with my body and weight loss I thought would protect me from her criticism, but she found other things to pick on. My brother died of West Niles disease at 38 last month and that really put things into perspective. I was able to support my family and realize how much pain my dying from anoxeria would cause them, and how selfish I was being by killing off my spirituality through not eating. I also realized that the most wonderful and supportive people I have come across are expansive in their bodies, not necessarily fat but not rail thin. Please send me prayers that I can let go of my desire to focus on the exterior and work on the interior. As a writer, I applaud your suggestion that we journal feelings rather than express them through our bodies. (I am also a recovering cutter, drawing blood from the tender spots--wrists, thighs, etc--rather than talking about the pain.) Blessings, Ashley ~~________________________________~~ I have mixed feelings about your site. On the one hand I am very glad to see your honesty. You are very blunt and open about a subject that needs to be addressed. However, I think you may also be a little naive about the number of people who are going to completely disregard your warnings and just go to the site to look up the tricks and compare to the pictures, as was my purpose. You know what it's like, the bullheaded intent and I think you know that no amount of warnings or pleadings are going to keep a determined anorexic from abusing the site. I am not saying this to put down the site at all, but only to make sure you are aware of the potential danger the site is going to be. I do appreciate your time and dedication though. Thanks~ > Thank you for your letter. I know what you are saying and I sadly agree with you, but one of my realizations in recovery is that the only person that can make choices for myself IS myself (including good and bad choices alike) and free will is a blessing and a curse. I would rather people have a place to seek their illness where healing is available as well (should they ever want for it) rather than going to hurtful sites which offer no helpful information, and, in fact, lie about the consequences in some twisted effort to "convert" impressionable girls into even thinner weaker women... Had the books I "studied" as a budding anorexic also warned me of the seriousness of my medical consequences, I might have thought twice. I might not have either. The drama is something we seek, though I trust that the same ones who come to my site to be sick will also come back when they are tired of being sick. I will try to be a constant with the blunt honesty that we all already know about, rather than a sweeter sugary voice among many. I absolutely appreciate your letter and I know you are telling the truth too. Thank you and blessed be, Lisa (you caught me on a philosophical night) ~~________________________________~~ I recently visited your site and really liked it. I would like to (if you have no objections) link to your site from mine ... 'Once Bitten, Twice Chewed' website for Eating Disorders. You can look at my site at www.oncebitten.strayduck.com Sylvia Allen Admin - Once Bitten ~~________________________________~~ NOTE: I got this letter recently and thought I would share the info with all of you...PBS did a special on Marya Hornbacher as well as a male anorexic. I ordered it off line from the PBS website. On the same tape is something about aging (lol) as well. It's about 1/2 hour. Another (which I found SO great) was 48 hours' Dying for Perfection (I believe). It had a range of disordered thinking (anorexia in a young girl, Alicia, a man with severe body dismorphia, a girl who had pplastic surgery at 16, etc...). I would think this could be ordered from thier site, however, my father called and ordered it for me after he had caught the end. It was about $25.00. Just thought I'd let you know. -Meliss =) For more of this kind of information, please check out Paper Dolls ~~________________________________~~ Already finished with Food For Thought page 7 and I am actually so far behind... everyone who has written, thank you so much, please be patient with me. And more importantly keep writing, instead of starving, no matter what! Are you ready? Food For Thought page 8!!! ~~________________________________~~