Food For Thought page 8




Food For Thought page ATE (8) above is model Jodie Kidd, who was in an Allure article, with Sarah Jessica Parker on the cover, regarding her 15 pound weight gain to prove she isn't anorexic... check it out!! ________________________________ I found out about your site only a few days ago. It's great. My name is Andrea. I am 40 years old and have been "acting out" in eating disorders for 26 years. I started compulsive over-eating at age 14 and weighed 245 pounds on my 19th birthday. That's also the day I decided I didn't want to be fat any more and stopped eating. In one year I was down to 115 pounds. I am 5' 8" tall, and my doctor says 135 to 150 is a good weight for me. I stayed anorexic for 5 years. At the age of 24 I joined the Navy (to escape). I new I had to be able to run 3 miles by the end of boot camp, so I decided to accomplish this BEFORE I went to boot camp, so I would be ready. I couldn't even run to the end of the drive way, I was so weak. So I started eating to gain strength so I could run. After I gained up to 125 pounds, I slipped right into bulimia and have been acting out in bulimia ever since. I have been in therapy for the last 8 years and have been to a treatment center. This year I started going to CEA / H.O.W. meetings and have gotten some abstinence or as I like to call it sobriety. I consider myself a compulsive eater and bulimic or a food addict, but I have to be careful not to slip into the anorexia again. Keep up the good work you are doing on this website! I will be logging onto it often. Thanks and God bless. A ___________________________ my name is paige and I am fourteen. I was recently released from Children's Hospital in DC after spending more than a month in the psychiatric and medical wards for my anorexia. It all started when my mom criticized my 5-foot 2 and three-quarter-inch, 95-pound frame, and called my "fatty", piggy, etc. As a way of getting back at her, i starved myself and dropped down to 80 pounds. This may not be the sickest, as I know now, but it was a big deal to my family. Unfortunately, although the hospital brought me to my "ideal" weight, I had made a pact with myself at the start of my hospital stay hat not matter what the evil doctors (who wanted me to get fat) said,i would once again diet and exercise as soon as i left the hospital. In fact, that was the only thing that kept me happy throughout my stay. To add to it, as i was about to be discharged from the hospital, a new anorexic (9I lbs) was enjoying my status as being the only one, arrived at the hospital, and she was at a fatal stage. This crushed me, and nobody was able to comfort me. The other patients and the nurses all urged me to "get over it", and i was absolutely miserable. Anyways, the reason i am writing to you is because i need your advice on how to help myself gain self-esteem, because i am losing weight fast, and I have lost 18 pounds since being discharged 3 weeks ago. I am terrified of going back to the hospital, and i can't talk to anyone about this, except someone who has experienced the same situation. ___________________________ Hi My name is Loree. I am 25 years old and struggled with anorexia and bulimia since the age of 11. I am now a doctoral student in Marriage and Family Therapy. Being an African American woman, who has struggled with an eating disorder, has been a very interesting journey. I often feel that members of my own ethnic community failed to understand what this was about for me. Luckily there's a lot more attention paid to it. I have really appreciated the coverage on eating disorders in the media. I saw the article in people magazine about your page, which is why I'm writing to you. If you are currently doing any research (I'm doing some of my own), I'd love to collaborate with you and/or see what you've already written. Thank you, Loree lo5ree@hotmail.com ___________________________ i am amazed at your site and what u do for the fellow suffers of eds. i really admire u . u are really such an unselfish person. i feel really crappy today and felt i needed to write someone about this. i really am not to great at discussing my feelings and explaining them. and to me it is weak to call someone and load my stuff on them . but i feel so alone. and since i will probably never see u in person or talk to u live i decided to write and share private thoughts with u. i do not even let my therapist read my journal i used a while age but now i cannot. i have been suffering from an eating disorder for 4 yrs and have even been in treatment when i was 14 for 6 months. all it really did was make me gain 25lbs. i am now 17 and just feel so alone, but anyways here is a journal entry to express some things i am feeling. i am not the best writer so bear with me. 12 -23 -99 i cheat others and myself. no one knows the real me. i can not let them. i put up a mask so no one sees the real me, but then i get angry when no one notices my despair. people are too wraped up in themselves, not even my best friends seem to notice or to care, but isn't that what i want to be secretive. i am so confused. if i talk about things from the past i would have to kill myself. i want to make myself feel pain. the sight of blood soothes me. Throwing up does good for me it just seems to have lost it's effect, it doesn't rid everything i need to shed. however, i have to keep doing it. i cannot stop. it controls me. my life is a tunnel. a spiral of darkness, depression, and death. my descant downward is eternal. I feel claws around my wrists and ankles pulling me down deep. they are buring my flesh. my image of jesus is fadng from above. i try to strech my fingertips upward begging, pleading for him to see me and rescue me. evidently i am not screaming loud enough bc he never answers me. my thought seem to be locked up in my mind and heart in a prison, a cold, concrete room, damp from the tears i cry alone. i am in a solitary confinement alone with no one to talk to. obsessions, fears, thoughts about how i will die flood my mind. i look into the mirror and see this girl with extra flesh, which suffocates me. I am disgusting and empty. i have lost my precious battle which i had once so mastered. i want to go back.i wish to step into my mirror and fall back and become the girl i was. i long to be that of who i was and whom i will become once more. making myself feel pain is the center of my consciousness, my soul.. i want to sleep at night where nightmares can be waken from. i am all by myself and no one can help me. i do not deserve the help. i have to find release and when life becomes to much i find relief in my rusted razor and familiar toliet. i can no longer bear the torment of shame and disgust. when i see blood and throw up i feel relief. all my bad feelings fly out , but then they come back. i could find my heaven if i could only bleed long enough. i am the only one who knows how to save myself. i can not put my load on someone else.. so i do things my way. i feel am fragile yet strong. i feel i have another person raging within. there exits this place inside me that i can not seem to find. it is a calm , quiet place where i do not exist as a girl with a body too big. a place where i can finally sleep, i am trying to reach this place, I know i can, i know the point i have almost been there, the point when i am so hungry, i can't feel it, the point of numbness, of suspension, the window of time when it is ok to say yes, to let go and to fly. that is the point i want to be at my own personal hunger point. a point where i feel almost nothing at all. i realize the struggle is all your given and then u die forever, but i seem not to care. i seem to be chasing death. i do not know anything anymore. i am so sick of this. i just want someone to notice how messed up i am and put their arms around me while i weep and tell me everything will be alright. but i cannot want that would be weak. i need to get strong and stop this nonsense of wanting and needing others. i am ok alone. i just do not know how much longer i can stand it alone. That is just one of the many entries. thanks for taking time to read this. and i am sorry if i bothered u. and thanks again for making such a wonderful website. love, me ___________________________ Hello. My name is Alicia I am 14 years old and a former anorexic. This is a song (I'm in a band) about my disease that I wrote right when I hit rock bottom..... I hope that you will choose to publish this cuz it would mean a lot to me to know that my worst is helping so many anorexics like my former self. Thank you. Sincerely, Alicia H., age 14 Obsession Moving closer step by step waiting to fall back obsession you are my life everything is for you no one can be the same no one can do what you do Day at a time i make it relapse at my back hoping i will survive but never knowing the truth standing numbly i can't hear the world or the chaos in my life you are taking over my mind obsession i came from a perfect world i was sheltered but now i am shattered by you brutally battered i no longer feel wasting life away is all i know so leave me the fuck alone ~~___________________________~~ I know you are probably really busy-- Maybe even too busy to look at this, but I have an ed and your website has really scarred me. I weigh 85 pounds right now and I am 5'9 1/2. I have always thought that I was safe, that I would not be this way, but here I am and I am scarred. I have always believed that I can pull out at the last moment, but now I am not so sure!! Most of the people around me know about my ed- and I do see a psych., but I don't get to talk to people that really know what it is like to have an ed. Can you help me, will you talk to me? I am still very ed active and my parents/psych. don't know this. I don't know what to do. How do I pull out of this lifestyle? ~~___________________________~~ i remember reading about you in a magazine and finding you on here amazed me. everything you say about Caron is how I am....to many i look skeletal but to me i feel huge. i run 3 hours a day, EVERYDAY, and can manage a bowl of cereal with water in the morning before i run and a small bowl of rice at night.....usually followed by an Ipecac chaser. i've done it all and i just don't know what to do anymore. i've only been this way for 2 and a half years but i hid it for a long time. most people avoid talking about it cause they can't understand why i do it....i'm not even sure i do anymore. fighting with Anorexia and Bulimia everyday is like living in constant hell and my support system consists on my puppy Dexter.....i have a problem with trust. been in the hospital 3 times in 1999 and left all 3 times AMA (against medical advice). i fight a war in my head alone....i don't know how or what to do.......i keep hoping i'll die in my sleep or while i'm running to end this hell. i want to do so much but it's been such a struggle to even make it this far and i'm just going on 19 this month. i thank you for everything you've written and all the support you show to all of us struggling with this demon. there are few out there like you and i wish i had a friend that cared about my life as you do about Caron's....you are a blessing to this earth. i hope for you always to keep strong....even if i give up this fight i'll never forget the recovered women who held strong and took their lives back. thank you....thank you so much. Love, Brittany ~~___________________________~~ It's my anniversary for two years I have been treatment free! Finally, I have the strength to tell my story. We all have our own story on the up and down roller coaster and my story began at age 20. I was a sophomore in college and interning at an advertising company. My roommate and I shared an apartment in the trendy part of town. We were social butterflies going to concerts, restaurants, and bars. I began to leave my family out of my life as I overloaded myself with work, school, and friends. Skipping meals here and there became the norm with a hectic schedule. Very soon my size 10 jeans felt better. Skipping meals became a daily routine with a grande latte in the morning and a moderate dinner at night. One evening, the moderate dinner felt heavy on my stomach, so I went to the bathroom to vomit. I was excited to find it was so simple and I flushed all my worries away. What a relief to flush my busy schedule down the toilet and look great while eating at trendy restaurants and hanging out at bars. My recipe for feeling great was not eat much and when I did eat to vomit very soon. I was hooked— nothing could stop me. I lost weight rapidly and bought size 6 slim jeans to show off my new body. I recommended restaurants with private bathrooms so no one could hear me vomit, although I learned to be quick and quiet. My daily routine was school until noon, walk to work, walk home, make plans for the evening and squeeze in some homework. The walking kept my muscles toned. But my throat always hurt, my eyes were very dark, and my hair came out in clumps. It was easy to overlook these problems because the size 6 jeans felt so comfortable. I liked what I saw in the mirror, but also knew I could lose more weight. My family is small and very close. My parents have been married for 33 years and my sister is three years older. My sister and I had the normal sister fights over clothes and who was going to ride in the front seat. My mom and I were extremely close, perhaps too close. My sister always called me a brown-noser. My dad was the mediator during family arguments and lets "his girls" do most things within reason. I was on a roll of losing weight and flushing my life away. My parents tried discussing my health, but never asked directly if I had an eating problem. Finally, when I was wearing size 4 jeans, they knew something was seriously wrong. I came home one day to a message on the answering machine, that said, "your mother, sister and I are coming to see you." Well, I was prepared to deny everything. I had plans that evening. How dare they just drop in! I wanted them out of the apartment quickly so I agreed to see a doctor for a physical. Enough said. I was spiraling downward quickly. I was feeling out of control and could not stop. But I fooled the doctor by telling her this was my normal weight and food didn't taste good because I was stressed. I promised to eat a more normal diet�goodbye! My parents accepted the answer, but decided that when my apartment lease was up I would move back home. They paid the rent so I couldn't argue. My first thought was, "How will I eat, how will I vomit." I took the train to and from school and walked to work. I volunteered at the local hospital and walked five miles each night. What a life! I was thin! My mom cooked meals and I tried my best to eat. My parents knew I had a problem but were just as confused as I about what to do. I was able to vomit after meals by making excuses�going to the mall, taking a shower or going for a drive. While in reality, I was trying to find the closest toilet to flush. My junior year in college became more difficult with harder classes and more responsibility at work. My brain was on overload with studying and thinking of ways to vomit. My mom was reading books about what to do when someone you love has an eating disorder. My first thought was, "Does my 'sister' have an eating disorder?" It couldn't be me. I remember arguing with my mom at the Gap because she wouldn't buy me the size 2 jeans. If I wanted them, I would have to buy them myself. At that point, she would have done anything to have me gain weight. She promised a shopping spree when I could wear size 6 jeans. That was not going to happen—I would never be that big again. My eating disorder caused every one around me to worry but I looked great—who cared! It was now June and an extremely hot, muggy day. I went to the beach for a swim after a terrible morning of eating and vomiting. As I neared the beach, I collapsed in front of the tennis courts. The next thing I remember was waking up in the emergency room where I volunteered. I was hooked up to machines and everyone was talking about admitting me to the eating disorder center. What had happened? I was going to get a suntan and here I am in the hospital. Holy cow�I need to think fast and figure a way out of here. I begged my parents to take me home. I promised to get help, but my promises didn't mean much anymore. I spent the night in the hospital and many doctors talked to me but I barely listened. Finally, an elderly doctor spoke so directly�I was stunned. I went home very scared from the incident and I began to question myself. How did I get so bad? Why could I not stop? Will I gain a lot of weight? I had so many questions and there was only one answer�I need help. My busy life became even more full when I added individual counseling, family counseling and a weekly support group. Now I was really on overload. I was still vomiting after big meals, but actually let some smaller meals stay in my stomach. Everyone was proud of me and I was feeling somewhat okay about wearing the size 4 jeans again. On my parents' anniversary, I slipped again. I went to buy flowers and stopped for a frappacino. When I started outside I collapsed in front of the store. So there I was again back in the same hospital! We were all frustrated. It seemed like I was starting over and I this time I was scared for my life. Somehow I had to become determined to get better. I knew getting better would be a long process but I had a life ahead of me. It was going to take a long time and support from everyone around me. My mom and dad would do anything to not see their little girl waste away. My mom spent many nights paying doctor bills, doing insurance claims, and praying. I was determined to work hard at getting better and slowly I saw results. Many times I wanted to vomit, but I would do something too distract my thoughts. The intense therapy for my eating disorder took two years. I was determined to be a success story. I searched deep within myself and found unbelievable strength to overcome my disorder. I finally graduated from college and from my counseling sessions. A year later I moved to Colorado and my disorder came along. I had many thoughts of vomiting again, but I was trying hard to make a life for myself and fought hard to not ruin what I had accomplished. The eating disorder is an enormous hurdle in my life. In many ways I feel much stronger to handle other things that come my way. I married the man of my dreams in a fairytale wedding�size 8 dress. We live a peaceful life in the mountains of Colorado. I now look at life through size 8 jeans�but that's okay. ___________________________ I just found your website, and think it's great - especially the repeated point that it is not only emaciation that 'defines' the seriousness of an eating disorder. My oldest friend and I have been both anorexic and bulimic during different times - in fact, our first intimate conversation was when we compared 'tricks of the trade' ("yes! and you season everything...pepper, mustard...but no salt!" "no! no salt..." "...BECAUSE IT MAKES YOU RETAIN WATER!") - and I confess to having been jealous of her at times because my body looked healthier - her overt symptoms were what I desired when I felt sick and moved others to attempt to give her help that I also grudgingly envied: she 'deserved' to be saved because she'd succeeded in becoming so thin. My friend died last month, after many years of struggle with eating disorders and other difficult circumstances (I will be putting a 'candle' for her at the link you suggest), which finally overcompromised her damaged body. But I think she, like me, would be grateful for the message you put across in your website: that eating disorders are dangerous and damaging from the inside out, not just on the emaciated surface. I'm emailing two book titles that don't appear on your list, but that I think are very good first person accounts (one autobiographical, one fictionalised) on anorexia: Solitaire, by Aimee Liu (author of Face) and Early Disorder...I can't think of the author of this, and the book itself is in storage, so I can't grab it and check, but well worth searching out (YA fiction category). One critical point: please, please think carefully before using the term "Holocaust" about eating disorders. (Caption for one of the photos) Although one of the favorite epithets to hurl at an anorexic is: "you look like something from a concentration camp!", (and though Naomi Wolf (correctly) points out that if like numbers of young men [as young women today...] were succumbing to eating disorders, it would be regarded as a disaster in our culture, a bizarre emergency of societal self-destruction) ...there is little literal, psychological or situational similarity between the experience of eating disordered people and those who were persecuted, incarcerated and tortured during the Nazi regime... and the use of the term holocaust to describe the experience or symptoms of an eating disorder, I think, overlooks or invalidates the unique circumstances and courage demanded of sufferers of both the actual holocaust and those who suffer with disordered eating. Food for thought. Thanks for a great site - it was needed! Eva ___________________________ Lisa, Please bear with me because this is the first time I've done anything this bold. I am 26 years old and for the past 13 years I have battled with my weight and body image. I want to stop this self-inflicted hell, but I'm afraid that I will lose my identity if I do...this is all I know. I don't know if I would recognize myself without this lingering problem. I have twice overdosed on laxatives, (to the point of throwing up, instead of the expected result), but that doesn't seem to stop me. I realize that a problem exists, but I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about this...especially my parents, and that saddens me because I can talk so freely with them about anything else. I feel so scared all the time,...and my inner negative voice is getting louder every day. I believe everything that that voice tells me, (knowing that it is an unhealthy way to think), but it doesn't stop. Everyday, my inner voice has told me how much of a nothing I am, but not until my sister told me that I am a nothing, did I truly believe it. It's bad enough that I think that of myself, but to have someone else validate that comment makes it seem more true in the outside world (not just my inside world). I doubt that I'm making any sense and I apologize, but I just needed to vent. I'm sorry that you had to be the recipient of my "regurgitation"...(no pun intended)... Thanks for listening. -Kelly ~~___________________________~~ I never want to get better. I want to stay fifty pounds and be thin and empty. I like being anorexic. I won't give it up. ~~___________________________~~ I do not have an eating disorder. I am, however, all too familiar with the disease. I know the "tricks." I have read the books, watched the shows. I have sat in hospital waiting rooms, I have scheduled my day around visiting hours. I have waited in the middle of the night for the phone to ring...again. Another cry for help...another visit to the emergency room. Two of the most important people in my life suffer from anorexia. I wanted to email you because, as an "outsider" who is familiar with the disease, I think your sight is inspiring and is a great forum for discussion. I felt a bit apprehensive about emailing you because I am not sure any one wants to hear my side. I know that it is hard to hear from others--those who don't completely understand you. I just wanted to let you—anyone with an eating disorder--know that you are not alone. You isolate yourself, but there are always people there with you. We watch you grow thin, we worry, we get frustrated, we don't know what to say or how to help you. We get angry. We cry for you when you are not around. We suffer with you and for you. My best friend and I used to bond over bagels and chocolate. She told me her fears and her dreams and I told her mine. Now she won't even have tea with me. She doesn't talk about herself. She has a hard time concentrating when I talk. She used to be the same size as me. I have watched her disappear before me. I asked her once, "Don't you miss your beautiful body? Don't you miss your full round breasts, your curvy beautiful hips? You are a woman. You need curves!" I lie in my own bed at night and run my hands over the swell of my breasts. I lie on my side, curl up in a ball, and run my hands over my round, womanly, beautiful hips. I can't imagine her pain. I can only watch it from the outside. I have been through this before with my sister. She struggles with it daily. She has for eleven years. I have watched her gain and lose and gain and lose. I have suffered with her through her terrible moods and depressions, and I have been with her through her highs and lows. I still have a hard time understanding. I think that most of us "outsiders" do. Have patience with us. We need for you to talk to us. To let us know that you care that we care. Call out to us for our help. Those who love you are not judging you. We do not think less of you. We don't or hate you or resent you or admire you. We want you to get better and most of the time, we are frustrated with ourselves because we are helpless. You are the only one who can make yourself better. We will stand beside you all the way. Last night I had a dream that I went to visit my friend. She was healthy and curvy and glowing and beautiful. I started to cry. I woke up still crying. I am dreaming now of the day when I can take her out for bagels again. In the meantime, I am still here. I am not going anywhere. I may not fully understand. I am frustrated and tired and worried. But I am still here. We all are. -JC To my sister--I love you forever, no matter what you weigh. To my friend--You are beautiful on the inside, you'll never be able to hide that. Keep writing. ~~___________________________~~ i have followed you for some time on something fishy and recently through the media. i feel bad for being so selfish but i'm desperate. here is a brief history of me. i am 23, currently in graduate school yet losing my mind. i was first diagnosed with anorexia 13 years ago. since then i have been through everyimaginable combination of anorexia and bulimia. i have been in countless hospitals and specialized centers. the last hospitalization was a year and a half ago. i am desperate for some help. i know i need inpatient but everyone has given up on me, including my family. i'm not sure how much longer i can ask for help bc it is sooo hard. the struggle inside is hidious. especially since i look "normal". that tears my head up as i'm sure you can relate too. i've been in contact with the director of a small yet very individualized center in canada. westwind. perhaps you have heard of it. ? i've given it much thought and feel like maybe i can give this another try there. the problem is money. the center is extremely cheap compared to other programs (especially for the intensity of the care) it is 2,800 a month in us dollars. i may be able to get one month worth by withdrawing from school after i get my student loans next week. but one month will not be enough. i can't even really eat or drink anything right now without purging or spending hours in the gym. not to mention what happens in my head. so my question for you is do you know of any fundraising ideas i could pursue in order to raise some more money? i do want recovery very much so. i'm just so depressed right now and get so frightened if anything is in my stomach. i'm lost bc i have such little support. but i promised myself i would not give up, at least as long as I have breath. any suggestions would be appreciative. thank you for you time -Kara p.s�..thank you for going public with your story. *NOTE FROM LISA* Regarding fundraising, I wish there was a scholarship program in place for victims of eating disorders (especially for those people who are truly ready to give recovery a chance and simply don't have the money)� but at this point in time there is no such program. Personally, I don't know why the federal government or some charity hasn't been involved with this epidemic� Anyway, here are the examples that I have heard of: 1. Some people have received money from their churches (or whatever religion they may be involved in) after pleading their case to those in charge of the spending� 2. People have received money by telling their story to the media; a talk show which then sends them to a treatment center, or just their local community newspaper in which readers are asked to donate a gift of money� 3. People have received money if they are suffering from an eating disorder after being sexually abused from the Victims of Sexual Abuse fund (a government organization to help victims of sexual abuse get therapy), but as far as I know there isn't enough money for an actual treatment center, plus it is obviously very limited as it only deal with survivors of sexual abuse� 4. I have heard of an organization called Healing Connections (which I believe has a website, www.healingconnections.org) which is trying to be the first "charity" source to support victims of eating disorders and help them pay for treatment, but it is just getting started and not many people have donated money to this organization as of yet� 5. And finally I know that Oprah Winfrey has a charity that is not specific/limited about where it puts it's money, it is the Angel Foundation and you may be able to write a letter and plea your case and should they see fit, they may be able to help you� I don't know if the Angel Charity has ever given money to help with eating disorders, but why not be the first one? I do know that Oprah has empathy with this issue� 6. IF anyone reading this has any other information regarding how to raise money to get treatment for eating disorders please e-mail me and write in the subject/title line "FUNDS" and I will post it here. 7. Oh, and here is a story that you may find both ironic and sad, Caron and I once had a bake sale (yes, baked goods, brownies and those sorts of foods) to raise money for her so she could buy numerous cans of Ensure (meal supplement) since she, at the time, refused solid food� How twisted is that???? I wish you much luck and I hope you can find some recovery because you DO deserve it� all of us do!!! -With love, Lisa ~~___________________________~~ I was amazed by your website. It shocked, scared and amazed me all at the same time. I read my own thoughts! It was a very eerie feeling. Those photos scared the hell out of me. To see that those women did not even realize what they were doing... thank you for the much needed support site. ~~___________________________~~ I'm 16-years-old, and I struggled with bulimia and anorexia for 10 years, since kindergarten (believe it or not). I started making myself throw up all my food during "nap time" (can you imagine that?). This was all because my mom was bulimic at the time, and I had caught her making herself throw up a few times. My brother informed me that "Throwing up makes you skinny" when I had inquired. All this I remember so well: constantly checking the nutritional facts on cartons of food even at the age of 3 and 4, looking for low sugar and high protein content. I remember sitting down once, and noticing that I was chubby (I was 4 years old and not chubby by any standards for a 4-year-old). I remember hearing my brother telling me that throwing up makes you skinny. I stuck my finger down my throat and vomited. It was fun, I thought, but scary. I was far too mature for my age. I immediately felt thin, so I did it every single day for the next 4 years. I figured I could eat whatever I wanted to eat, as long as I vomited later. By the time I was 7 years old, I met all the diagnostic criteria for bulimia. When I was 10-years-old, my mother enrolled me in ballet classes. The ultimate anorexia-inducer (that's not a real phrase, is it?). The teachers were beautiful, their skinny, graceful bodies flying and leaping through the air. I felt like a tub of lard, landing heavily on my feet and having "enormous" thighs that bulged out of my pink tights. When I look at photographs of that time, I was a complete stick, literally. My bones jutted out and I was literally a skeleton. Where I got the notion that I was fat, I don't know. But I thought I was fat. I thought to myself at the time, "My god, I'm so fat, and yet I still vomit all my food! I must be doing something wrong!"- I immediately came to the conclusion that they must have been eating no sugar and lots of protein (this notion was left over from my days as a 3-year-old inspecting the sugar and protein contents on every article of food in the supermarket). I immediately went on a low-sugar, high-protein diet, and a few months into the diet, cut that down to a piece of chicken a day. I came to believe that anorexia meant being feminine, dainty, graceful, beautiful, perfect, happy, popular and outgoing- the "perfect" person. I wanted to be that person. I lived on one piece of chicken and loads of water a day for the next few years. I didn't eat anything except for the dinner my mom prepared (which was almost always a Healthy Choice or Weight Watchers TV dinner with 180 calories in the full meal). I didn't vomit that, because I figured, it was high in protein, so it was good for me. When the initial hunger pangs, excruciating headaches and dizziness subsided, I emerged a full-blown anorectic at age 11, struggling to find the "perfect" person within me, which I "knew" was hidden beneath layers of fat (what fat?!). I was 5'4 and about 60 pounds when I was first hospitalized (I still cannot believe that I maintained a full-blown, serious eating disorder for 8 years without being discovered or having anything happen to me). My body, they discovered, was completely messed up. My family was completely shocked that I had been doing this to myself without their knowing. I suppose they never realized because I never really went through puberty, and I never really appeared to lose weight, I was always a little stick. I showed no real signs of anorexia (I got home at about 5:30 from school and sports every day, and nobody realized that I hadn't eaten anything that entire day). My mother should have known better...she was bulimic, she should have acknowledged the chronically puffy face and scarred fingers and the fact that I had never gotten my period. My life was changed when I read your webpage. I realized for the first time in my life that anorexia is not this glamorous thing that makes people feminine, graceful and happy. I thought I would be happy when I was thin, and when I was thin and depressed, I figured it was because I needed to lose more weight to achieve the happiness that supposedly came with anorexia. It never happened, and I realize that it never will because of your webpage and the articles about you in People magazine. Thank you for showing me the light. Now, a year after my first hospitalization, I'm definately on the road to recovery. I got my first period two months ago, and while it scared me, I didn't fall back into anorexia like I thought I would. I'm at a fairly healthy weight now, and I attribute most of it to you, Lisa. Thank you so much, you've been of so much help to me, and you probably will never know just how special you really are to me. I want people everywhere to know that you can recover, and that even if you think that you'll never be able to live without an eating disorder, and even if you think your eating disorder is the greatest weapon against gaining weight and your greatest tool to gain popularity, it's not true. I lived with that lie for 10 years, and now I'm struggling so hard, merely a 10th grader, to get my life back, to pick up the scraps and move on with my life. I'm happier now than I ever was when I was nothing more than a twig. People like me now because I'm happy and hyper and fun to be with, and they don't even care what I weigh. Before, I thought people would like me because I was thin and not intimidating and I didn't get in the way of things. That's also a lie. Please try to get help. I can't stress this enough. Please try to get help. Thank you for listening to me. Ais ~~___________________________~~ Dear Lisa, I have changed all my six Planet Anorexia zine-sites into non-pro-anorexic ones. If you are interested, here are the links to them: http://www.geocities.com/planet_anorexia/index.html Feel free to link them if you like to. Your opinion would be greatly appreciated also. Hope you are well, Lisa, Lots of love, Milenka ~~___________________________~~ I´m 23 years old and have had an eating disorder for three years. I do not want to get better. I like your site because it´s honest. Sometimes when I read it I think maybe, maybe one day I´ll try for recovery. As for right now I don't want to get rid of my ed because my life before it wasn't even that great. I´ve been depressed as long as I can remember. Depression is an awful thing, it robs you of your feelings and takes away any ambition you might have. Since developing this eating disorder I finally have a purpose in my life, bad as it may be. It doesn't feel like my ed is taking life away from me, it is giving me purpose. This is something I wrote on our "relationship" few months back "I'm in love with my ED. I can at this time absolutely NOT leave him. I´d be lost without him. He holds me and makes me feel safe when he´s not abusing me." Another reason I tell myself for not wanting to get better is that even if I wanted to I couldn't find any support groups in my area. I live in a small country which hasn't acknowledged eds more than that. I do see a therapist for my depression and sometimes we talk about my ed. I´m terrified of anyone trying to take it away from me. Sincerely EE ~~___________________________~~ As some one who has anorexia to the worst possible case I felt I should write you. I am dying from anorexia I am 16 yrs. old. I have been to your web site and I think the articles are good, but I think any one who really has an eating disorder who went to your site and looked at the pics. It would not help them at all but do the opposite and hurt them. I think any one who had an eating disorder that went to your age b/c of how are minds work you do compare. I can tell you right now it hurt me because it made me feel fat, however my Mother looked at all the pics. and very sadly said Amy I don't see one person on here who is in as bad shape as you are. (meaning thinniness and to the degree I'm in) And of course b/c I'm anorexic this made me happy. I just wanted to nicely tell you I think you should keep the web site with the articles b/c they are great but please if you want to help girls out there do them a favor andget ride of you pics. It is only hurting us. I also wanted to congradulate you on surviving anorexia b/c its hard I know, I don't have a chance any more. Please write me back I would like to hear from you... what you think. I really think it would be best without pics. I'm not trying to sound mean either. Amy ~~___________________________~~ I know you get praise for the site often, and it's well deserved. I just wanted to write because Anorexic Web probably saved my life. After living as an anorexic for years, I fell into food full force, binging, and purging many times a day. On your site, you addressed the "tricks" I used- Ipecac, and laxatives. I had never heard anyone speak out on them before, and it made me face up to what I knew all along, that these weren't helping at all, I was killing myself in the worst way, and it was like a flash to my charred brain. "I don't want to die like this" Thinking about the messy, horrifying death I would endure kept me from continuing to abuse myself. I'll never be normal, none of us will. I'm only 16, but I'm so tired of this, whatever will hit me next. But I commend you for your time and concern, and if you've read this far, I thank you. ___________________________ Untitled DIET FAT HATE GRAMS CALORIES ISOPLATION GUILT LONLINESS CONTROL RATIONS Thoughts running desperately through my brain Someone stop the insanity I'm spinning out of control. Believing the lie that i run me Believing that i am OK Killing myself through believing that i can fade away CRAZY SELFISH HOPELESS BAD TERRIFIED terror describes my life what is, what was, and what i see coming regression is welcoming me with open arms believing the lie that i run me believing that i am OK killing myself through believeing that i can fade away somebody hear me i'm calling on you.... somebody hold me be the strength i don't have.... somebody help me i'm lost on my own -julia p. anyway, i just thought i'd send it to you. it's not very good but a few of my ed'ed friends say it's what they would like to say too. anyway, i also want to say that i love your site and although i used to use the pictures to trigger myself, i refuse to let myself look at them now because....i want to live. ~~___________________________~~ I was reading this section of your webpage, thinking I would find people struggling with an ed and maybe even recovery. To my despair I found the first letter about a girl proud of her 51 lbs and another set of girls who said that they learned a ton of tricks from your site. This really disturbed me. I am anorexic as well. Although I am not emaciated. I am 5'6 and my weight only went to 96 lbs. Do people not realize that it doesn't matter what your weight is, you can always die from an eating disorder? Heidi Gunther weighed 100lbs and was 5'1 or 5'3 I think. I was less than that and have even been lower and I did not die (that was the sick thing I used to tell myself). I don't want to look like either of the twins that died. How horrible would that be? I guess after reading all those letters and "stories" my anger faded and reality set in. How many times was I told that I was the only one who could make me recover. No one can do it for me. I have been in and out of hospitals over 10 times. They didn't fix me because I wasn't fixing me. No, I am still not fixed, but I am trying to fix me. I am following the meal plan, doing I mean really DOING therapy and I will be the first to admit this -- it is all very hard and very painful. I will never know if there is a light at the end of this tunnel unless I take a risk and walk down it. People are going to go to ed sites and if they really want to, they can find the motivation to be worse or learn more tricks -- those are the choices they make when they look at it. I for one choose to look at it differently. Not to make me worse, but to smack me into reality that I could be dead and have been to damn close and it is scary. I will always have to live with the ramifications of my previous behavior, but I don't want to die. Hopefully I will see the end of that tunnel and will not fall back strongly into my anorexia. I know it will always be a part of me, but it does not have to "consume" me. Best wishes -H ~~___________________________~~ I think this site is a great idea to help people with eating disorders. Hard to admit but I am one of those people. I haven't realize that for a very long time. I was just surfing the net for something about anorexia because a few months ago I took a blood test and it showed that I have a high level of cholesterol. Which I think is impossible because I haven't eaten anything that whole day. I came across this one site just now http://noah.cuny.edu/wellconn/eatdisorders.html which states that one of the complications of eating disorders is "Cholesterol levels tend to rise." That just answered my question. Also it answers why I have this disorder. I was always sick when I was young like 2 times a month, I have to go to the doctor. I have really bad fevers and strep throats. I was admitted into the hospital a couple of times for my fevers. I found that this was a cause of the disorder, on this site. I copy and pasted the part of the site on bottom of this message. Everything is true except for the theory. I do not think antibiotics would ever work because the doctor gave me a lot of antibiotics when I was little and it turns out to be the cause of all of this. Anyway I am sorry if I've bored you for telling you the story of my life. I guess I am fine now. Although I don't know what you went though but I know I can quit this habit right of the bat. For me it was not an obsession, it was just pure instincts. I just have to put that fact into my head that NOT eating is BAD. I have always thought that you should eat just enough to stay alive and I still think that theory is correct. I don't know if "just enough" are the right words, anymore. I found your site after the site I mention above. I think it was interesting that there are so many people with this problem and I am kind of glad that you made a site like this one. Well, I have wasted a lot of your time with this long story. Hope you are still awake. Ha. I haven't even finish going through your site yet. So I better do that. It was nice to share my story with you. Thankz! Bye. This is the part of the site I was referring to: Problems Surrounding Birth: In some people with anorexia, there was a high incidence of problems during the mother's pregnancy or after birth which may have played a role in the later development of eating disorders. These problems include infections, physical trauma, seizures, low-birth weight, and older maternal age. People with anorexia often had stomach and intestinal problems at very young ages. Infections: Research has found a link between anorexia and group A beta-hemolytic streptococcal (GABHS) bacteria, the cause of strep throat. GABHS has already been identified as a trigger of a rare form of obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) in children; OCD and anorexia share many behaviors. Epstein Barr, the virus that causes mononucleosis has also been associated with the development of anorexia. One theory to explain these links is that antibodies triggered by the organisms may accidentally damage the brain in the process of fighting the infection.Antibiotics, Immunological therapy, and an experimental vaccine for rheumatic fever may even help treat anorexia in such patients. ~~___________________________~~ I must say your site and words are one of the few that have ever moved me. I am in shock and in awe. I am 41 years old and have been in recovery many times. I always thought I was different and was not really anorexic but now I am starting to see that I really am. I am working hard presently in my lastest bout of ED to recover and overcome again. Thank you for your honest approach to this disease. I have learned alot and if you would have asked me if that was possible two hours ago I would have laughed in your face. Having the words, tricks, and traits written down to read was terrifying for me. I always thought I was alone and now I can see I am one of many. I appreciate all the hard work you have put into this site and will try my best not to let what I have just read go to waste. Thank you again and continued healing. Sincerely -Jill ~~___________________________~~ Hotel. Die into my nightmare black electric dawn everybody took a piece you will be their doll take a stab at happiness haunted echo stars your life is like a kitchen match strike and blow. Numb the distant dream static sonic bomb life is just a runway life is just a fall angel of the gray skies out the window, far away i set the garden on fire heaven burned with sorcery. Life is a hotel drag me out of bed million roses in the window frail and dead no One can warm your heart No One can pull you back that's what they always want. what they can never have. A devil waiting in hiding N earest in the midst of my mind O f thoughts consuming control R iding the coaster to perfection E asy counting of calories X ercising the pounds away I n here the devil is manipulating A nice young girl looking for protection Who are you? My identity is anorexia Where are you? In your thoughts When do you come out? You're vulnerable and uncertain about life Why are you here? To make you feel you're in control How did you get here? From past perfections They weren't that good. Sorry if it takes up space... Please anyone, e-mail me at darlie73@excite.com! ~~___________________________~~ Wow! I wish there were words to describe the greatness of your page. It really is amazing. I have been struggling with anorexia for about 4 years now and am finally getting on top of things. My boyfriend decided to show me this site once he found out what I was going through. I've come back again and again indulging in the pictures and advice, and, well..... truth. There is so much that I am still relating to, but I know I can conquer. Thanks to you and your outstanding site, I have been inspired to bring out an awareness of the disease to my high school. As a senior, I know this is the last chance I will have to reach others who may be headed down the same path I am. In about 2 weeks, I will be presenting an anorexia/bulimia awareness program to my entire high school. I will be meeting with small classes at a time for three days so I have a better chance of keeping everyone's attention. I have you to thank for this. Without the statistics and similar situations I've been through to refer to, I could never be prepared to do this. But now I feel as though I am almost ready. Pray for me, that they may hear what will change their lives. Thanks again. Brandy (WA) ~~___________________________~~ Subject: Clarity... or Confusion? This relates indirectly to eating disorders, and I apologize for the weak connection. However, the correlation is found in a morbid obsession-similar to a child's curiosity-with denial of basic needs. Do you ever find yourselves testing your body's limits, both physically and emotionally? I have not slept since Monday, and sleep-deprivation is not a novelty to me. As my hands tremble violently, coffee spilling over the sides of my styrofoam cup, I recall the words I wrote two years ago as my dazed mind furiously spat forth foggy spurts of poetry: "Self-induced insomnia Is nothing more than Manic restlessness Combined with the desire To hold on to today And never let go of This moment" Isn't that the very nature of an eating disorder? Maybe this speculation is based merely on the skewed reality of a tired, hungry teenage girl... or maybe there is a sliver of truth in my ponderings. What do you think? That same night two years ago I wrote the following: "Morning threatens to strike As I sit here unprepared Praying that she hesitates Though I know she will press onward Blinding me with her brightness Assaulting me with expectations Taunting me with fresh opportunities Then deserting me as she always does Leaving Night to pick up the pieces Of my broken, weary, tattered soul" How do you view day versus night? Is there a parallel to eating disorders and the comfort of shrinking into the shadows... a pit of darkness that becomes brighter than reality. Am I making any sense? Somehow I doubt it. Earlier this morning I wrote the following: "It's 6:20am on a Wednesday morning, and the campus is silent. I revel in the peaceful atmosphere, unbroken by the noisy chorus of chattering college students, dropping books, clanging lunch trays and silverware, and thundering footsteps. This silent state is precious; I treasure the hours when the campus is mine. I own its stillness; I possess its empty halls. Without a flurry of distractions within its great walls, the building is its own focus, the "main attraction". I am its sole admirer, softly stepping across marble and tile floors, creeping up and down winding staircases. Why don't I sleep at night? The world of darkness is my enlightenment; the empty streets are the paths I travel in life. Earlier tonight I wandered in the city, catching small glimpses of its slumber. The parts that never sleep catch my attention, and I offer these forgotten roles a moment in the spotlight. It's just after 6:30am, and I'm amused to see the world waking up. Groggily, the day begins, just as the glorious night ends for me. The dark blue sky is slowly brightening, even as I plead for night to remain just a little while longer. But the day must come; the show must go on. So goes life." I think the question posed remains: is anyone brave enough to step out of the shadows into the light? I guess we all have to answer that question for ourselves, in our own time. Unfortunately, no one knows how much time we have. Sincerely speculative, Heather ~~___________________________~~ why am i so scared of writing to this site? i have so much to say and fear not getting it all out... once again my voice disappears and my body speaks for me. but i am making the choice not to let that happen this time, even if i don't get out what i want to say at all, i am tired of being quiet. too many times my body has taken the abuse of my silent voice. i'd heard about your site before, and my natural, prejudgemental stance was of disgust and anger. i assumed that you were just another person that either didn't "get it" and thought that low weight was what it was all about, or maybe an anorexic that wasn't really into recovery and was instead fixated on the competitive obsession. fortunately, i checked it out for myself. first of all, hell of a good idea. i almost laugh at all of the "do not read if easily triggered" warning signs, considering that most people visit these pictures for the same reason i did: precisely to be triggered, to remind myself how fat i actually was. you insured that people most in the throes of this horrible illness would visit, of course for all the wrong reasons, and then after drawing us in you put some really excellent stuff on this site. thank you. and yet your site scares me. it scares me for a number of different reasons. first of all, with all of the honest people very sick and into the disease, the competition i fear and am drawn into is thrown in my face by their words and images. seeing and hearing from people that think they're superior to me because of their weight (not to be hypocritical; half of my fear is that this thinking is frequently echoed in my own sick thoughts), or seeing very underweight people, which reverts me to my twisted, backwards thinking that i'm failing at my own disease, maybe i'm not sick, and look at how much farther i have to go. but another aspect all together scares me: this disease, this pain, was MINE, and now i must again be reminded that i am not special because of this. i am not unique for being thin, and it is no achievement to have, especially with the payoff of destroyed health. nevertheless, i have to remember that my pain is still real. i also keep in mind this fact, which we competitive types must realize: there is no winning, there is no end. each pound you take off, each day you engage in disordered behavior, you lose much, much more of your life. until you forget that you had a life, and this demon in your head manipulates you to believe that it is what you have, it is all you have, and all you need, and the only one that will be with you no matter what. so you can keep listening, and keep trying to win, but guess what: winning=dying. and guess what: it's sadly been done before, and will be done every day, and will not make you special, simply dead. and yet it's really not about competition, just as it is not about weight. we can fool ourselves pretty well, and they are clever masks to hide behind. it is about self-hatred. perhaps we are predisposed to it, but society no doubt reinforces it 100fold. but don't get me started. lucky you, i'll have to save my feminist and humanist rhetoric for another time. anyway, i think i'm starting to ramble. i don't even know what my point is. just that i also fear this site because i may make connections, and that may mean eventual losses in the end. aaaah--trust? how scary! but it comes on the heels of my being kicked out of my fourth treatment center, unable to say goodbye to many people with whom i had grown close. but if i don't make connections, there is something wrong with me. but i will stop this insecurity bullshit, because it is boring. so i write because i fear for my life, as i fear for all of your lives. for me, i know this is some sort of suicide mission, some sort of way to deal with all the pain inside me. i've survived an overt, dangerously close to successful, suicide attempt before, and i can see the thoughts behind that action behind so many of the voices here and in my own head. of course this realization and fear is ephemeral, fleeting, and will not last as ED's denial inevitably takes over. but with it, i know that i haven't starved out, purged out, all of my rational thinking. so i guess, thank you for your site, and i would appreciate (gulp) correspondence with anyone that visits this site at Cass117@aol.com. i've lost so much of this life, seen so many friends do the same, i can't afford it anymore. and yet i do. to everyone out there, though, please keep in your heart the belief in and the hope for recovery. right now for me, it is a very teeny part in the corner of my mind, and i haven't been able to reach it lately, but hearing everyone here has reopened the door again, so i pray it is still there. you are all in my thoughts, Cassie ~~___________________________~~ i was honored to read your message in my guestbook (www.geocities.com/hatefulchild), i've been to your site countless times in the last year or so since i found out about it after reading an article about you while i was in the hospital. i think your site is great and i also am touched by how much you've tried to help caron throughout the years. also, i love dual eden. :) you guys rock. *NOTE FROM LISA* Thank you! Please visit this site, it is one of my absolute favorites and I will be adding it to my link section www.geocities.com/hatefulchild ~~___________________________~~ keep exploring... and travel to Food For Thought page Nine