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Food For Thought ~ page 9
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Hi, Lisa. I already wrote to you about myself, so now I'm writing to you about my best friend, who is on the path to becoming bulimic/anorexic (she said it was alright if you published the story).
She has only had the behaviors for a couple of months, but already her body has been ruined. I just wanted to share a story about a girl who isn't even fully yet in the throws of an eating disorder, and yet her life has been damaged.
The summers between 7th and 8th grades, Jamie lost all her baby fat. She had been chubby in 7th grade, and now, she was slim and extremely attractive, and people commented on how great she looked. Wanting to stay that way, or possibly lose even more weight, Jamie went on a strict diet. I consider her anorexic, but she was eating, and wasn't losing all that much weight. She just didn't eat any fat, and when she did eat, it was accompanied by excruciating guilt (but she never threw up). She lost maybe 10 or 15 pounds in 8th grade, not enough for her to be considered anorexic. She continued this diet through summer, but in 9th grade, it "disappeared" and she suddenly just started eating normally, with three healthy meals and two snacks in a day. This lasted about two months, and she was still having the guilty feelings about eating. Halfway through 9th grade, however, she started binge-eating. All those months of dieting caught up with her, and she gained the 15 pounds back again. Towards the end of 9th grade, she learned how to vomit. At first, she says, it was difficult, but relieving. She only did it twice in the month before school closed, and a few times during the summer, but in 10th grade, she said she felt "too lazy" to throw up, and continued her binge eating. But in December of 10th grade, Jamie started throwing up every day, without actually bingeing (she just purged normal meals). By January, it increased to 2-3 times a day, and it is now February. She was embarassed to learn that she weighed 15 pounds more than she had at her lowest weight, and didn't want to go to her annual doctor's check-up weighing a lot. So, about two weeks before her doctor's appointment, Jamie began fasting and exercising to lose those 10 pounds. At her doctor's appointment, she found that she had successfully lost the weight, and was in fact even thinner than she had been the year before. The doctor didn't find anything wrong with her, apparently (what a moron). However, just the following day, Jamie fainted in school, and was taken back to the doctor's office. Jamie had kidney stones (very dangerous!!) and was severely dehydrated and malnourished. Her kidneys were shutting down, her brain was disfunctioning, and she admitted that she had been having the most horrible headaches and excruciating dizzy spells since January (coinciding with the beginning of her purging). She is now hospitalized.
I am writing this to show that you don't have to have an eating disorder for a long time for your body to become physically damaged. Jamie's weight only fluctuated within a 15-pound range, which isn't much for someone with an eating disorder, she was never grotesquely skinny (her lowest weight was 120 at 5'4), and she had only been purging for two months and fasted for only two weeks, and already her body has been permanently damaged. If anyone is thinking, "This can't happen to me", it can. At any stage of an eating disorder, something can go wrong.
Even if you aren't fully anorexic or bulimic (that is to say, if you're just on a 'diet' or not vomiting enough to be considered medically bulimic), you are at a high risk for physical problems. Jamie's kidneys have been damaged, and she might need replacements. It's really sad that all this happened in the name of being thin. Sorry I wrote so much, I just wanted to share the story.
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My name is Lesley. I've been carrying anorexia for about a year now. I can't really explain, in "normal" terms how I feel about my disease so here is a poem to help describe how feel. I think most who read this will understand:
I do not want to get "better"
I want to stay "sick"
It is the only continuity
That I want in my life
It is my friend
It is my lover
It is the only thing I love
If I give it up
I give up who I am
It has become me
I have become it
All consuming
No way out
I am content
In the lonliness
It has brought
It keeps me happy
To feel the pangs
Of hunger all day
It is a constant reminder
That I've been a "good girl"
It is the only thing
That I cannot defy
It is my friend
It is my lover
It is the only thing I love
It is my friend
It is my lover
It is the only thing I love
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I just turned 18..i graduated from high school in june99. Just started spring collage now...I was totally anorexic, straight up from beginning of my freshman year of high schoolÉIt fully wasn't planned.. It was like a weed in me that grew. i just wanted to lose like five pounds. i was like almost 5'5" then wanted to be 102 or so instead of 107 or 110 (eEK!). It felt like huge flubbieness all over me. i didnt kNow what to doÉ but as a teen basically i knew-"wanna loose weight?-"don't eat so much"... it turned into "oh I'll skip breakfast"É then Lunch. One night, "hey..look! i can be totally happier and feel better if i skip out on dinner too"... I'll just eat breakfast tomorrow"... morning came- eventually, i got to the point of "woh!, i got this far, why break it for measly breakfast?"É and "hey lunch is easy to skip"... then i challenged myself- Look it id gone 2 whole days on water..lets se how far i really can? go..- I went far (at least for me)É four days and then thought ok i should eat a bite of somehtingÉ But as i saw food..it was like i wasn't hungryÉ "no no, i just wanted that great yummie taste". So i figured if you can put it in your mouth and chew? it still tastes real goodÉ but it didn't have the guts to stick my fingers in my throatÉ no way! i tasted it and then had a plastic cup... you get the yumm and spit, take a bite, chew, taste all the great things of food.. & all fattening things were spit as mush in a cup.
I was happy, to look at it too, glad none of that fat stuff or calorie stuff was running through my body, no way! - i did that from then on.. till my junior year in high school..
...its not as fun as it used to be..and i must say the hardest thing is when all your friends or family wants to go and eat or something... and all you worry about is how am i gonna get out of this, how on earth can i weed my way into skipping this meal tooÉ I don't wanna eat...
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Well, having suffered from an eating disorder in high school and now realizing what it really meant to be 92 pounds and in the tenth grade, when in eighth grade I had been at least 136. Well here is my storyÉ Fatso, sit down. Have you ever heard of low fat food?" a voice in my head calls. The air feels cold against my pale translucent skin because I have no fat. The distorted image in the mirror haunts my every move, for I fear my reflection. Every lunch period is thirty minutes of pure torture. The seconds creep by while friends jabber about me only drinking juice. I zone out remembering the scary sight in the fogged bathroom mirror that morning. Haunting me is the way the fat dripped from every bone in my body. The weight comes off so slowly. I just want to take a sharp knife and hack off the excess flab, but that would be too messy. The strict diet comes in my head again and bang, a brilliant plan. I will map out each week's menu to know exactly what I am going to eat every day. Every calorie and fat gram is labeled on my neatly made food ledger that I hide. I remember reading an article somewhere that said multiply your desired weight by either 10, 15, or 20 (the higher the number, then the higher your activity level), and this would be the number of calories one should consume in a day. I decided that about 100 pounds would be a good weight for me. Then, I decide to eat about 1000 calories and three grams of fat a day. Each morning, I eat a little bowl of cereal and then skip lunch. I always find some lame excuse to give to my friends, like I left it at home. Then, I make sure my dinner totals around 200 to 300 calories, and I end the night with a Popsicle. I am beginning to think that 1000 calories is way too many, for I weigh about 100-110 poundsÉ But alas, my family joins a health club, and I think this is the answer to my problems. If I could go there and burn off half the calories I consume in a day, then I would be set. Everyday after school I go to the gym and hop onto the stepper. I burn 300-400 calories every time, this is awesome, and I am making some headway. Soon, school ends for the year, and I manage to eat around 800 or 900 calories per day. Thinking I am too large, I ask every person I see if they think I am fat. No, they say, but I do not believe them because they do not see me in that steamed up mirror every morning. They don't see my thighs with all their cellulite, they don't see what I see, they don't see the way the fat jiggles, they just don't understand... As the year passes, I feel cold in every classroom, and my jacket becomes my constant companion. Nothing seems to keep me warm. The 70-degree weather is frigid to me. My tailbone digs into the chairs causing me great pain to sit. I decide my jacket would make a better pillow than a piece of clothing meant to keep me warm. My yearly check-up with the doctor is fast approaching. I know he is going to be mad at me, so I am scared. When I get to the doctor's office, the nurse takes me back to the scale. She asks me to step upon it, and it reads 92 pounds. Joy explodes in the back of my mind, but the nurse has a stunned look on her face. I would have to go to the hospital to be feed through an IV, if I did not start gaining weight. The long drawn out process of going to the doctor every week to be weighed, begins. They make me drink these supplement drinks with eleven grams of fat in them. I look at the can thinking these people are trying to make me fat, but I drink them. Gaining the weight back was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. Realizing I am not fat and do not have to be perfect is hard.
Every diet commercial or snide remark makes me want to go back on a strict diet. Controlling this urge is like trying to tame a lion, but I am successful, so far. I know that if I am not careful then I might revert to my old ways, I am constantly reminding myself that it is okay to wear this size, and it is ok to have a little dessert every once in a while. From what I have learned, it is a lifelong struggle to maintain some sort of control over the disorder.
I guess it has been slightly over three years since I was 92 pounds and I weigh around 130-140 now. I am actually satisfied with my weight. Maybe it took getting away from the same old and into a new environment here at college to get comfortable with myself. I am not pleased that I went through all that, but I now know a little more about myself because of the disorder. Though I would have much rather done this in a healthier manner.
I'm obviously dealing with anorexia/bulimia myself. Here is a link to my poetry diary...
http://anorexia666.diaryland.com/
I hope you enjoy it. Your site to great so you better keep it up!
-With Love, -§ars` Bellê Taylor
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I will continue adding soon
this page inspired by Gwen Stefani
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The makeup is all off~ Who am I?
The magic's in the makeup ~ Who am I?
