Anorexic Logic

inside the mind of an anorexic by Lisa Arndt

I spend my day in a haze

with a list of rules

that sound crazy even to me

but in the end I guess we are all superstitious about something...

Do you want to hear them? Do I? (then they'll be real)

first one is simple:

no more than 500 calories a day.

then it's how I get those calories-

a rice cake is okay, but only half if it's a snack, whole if it's a meal

then there's tea

I can only have one tea bag a day

it doesn't matter how many cups of tea I want to make from that bag,

but it can only be one bag.

(So, how much time do you spend on breakfast?

I've lost touch with normal, I've floated far far away...)

Breakfast (I relish the name: breaking the fast)

which I have to eat, a non-fat muffin and vitamin C pill,

no matter what

and no lunch.

Dinner is a question- what if at three I had a snack?

(throw the other half of rice cake away)

or did I eat carrots and cucumber? That's usually okay

dinner can be cooked at the beginning of each week

a huge pot of steamed brown rice (makes up to four cups)

put in the fridge for later. (later never comes)

Only one cup of leftover rice a day- or brocolli (but not both)

and sometimes half a cup of frozen yogurt

depends on the day (did I exercise?)

and how many calories have I eaten so far?

(quick! add them upÉ who says girls aren’t good at math?

Give us a diet and we’ll turn into wizards of self destructionÉ)

I have to write them down, and always estimate higher (round up)

just in case a piece of gum snuck in there around 1pm

I wake up in a panic around midnight

afraid my collar bones aren't showing... I checkÉ

(deep breath)

I can sleep again.

there have been nights when I've dreamed of eating piles of food

m o u n t a i n s

and in the morning it always takes me a second to remember

that it was just a dream,

just a dream (thank god thank god thank god).

It is so satisfying to watch the flesh disappear

to feel my hip bones, razor sharp, rise against my side

because I am terrified of drowning in my fat

it's going to pull me under some day (any day now!!!)

I love walking around

feeling air between my thighs, stretching my calves to the ground

dancing in my room every morning

I've taken away all the mirrors in order to avoid

the jumping pounds hanging off my tired body

I've taken away all the mirrors

to avoid myself.

even I can see how crazy this all sounds

but part of me knows it's safe, it is so safe

safe and clean.

I am more anxious when I eat

so isn't it better to stop the nervous cancer and not eat?

that's what I've learned, after years of wondering,

that it is simply easier just not to eat.

then I'm not too heavy

never too anxious, and always wide awake

ready for anything.

(Life? Death? I can’t tell the difference anymore)

Then a new development in my regimend- diet pills-

small smooth pale yellow powder

quenchs my diminishing appetite

and let's me focus on other parts of my diminishing life.

people may think you have to be uneducated

to continue such destructive behavior,

but I am here to tell them

that I know better. I know better.

I truly do.

I am educated, aware, and informed on the latest statistics

A psychology major myself! (of courseÉ aren’t we all?)

but these don't compare to the feelings of safe

the Safe

that I need

that I find from dieting

my physical body may be on the line

but who would care to be healthy

if that means emotional unease?

it does for me.

my body knows that, it trusts that I'm mentally hungry for another year of anorexia

and doesn't question my painful pleas

one day this might be enough (enough enough enough)

I may outgrow this need.

that's what the books want you to believe,

it's just a high schooler's diet gone mad

but no adult would do such things!

I guess once again, I'm here to tell you-

here to prove you wrong.

chronic anorexia isn't for the fourteen year old crowd

I might even be less obvious, not quite enough of a freak

to put on the cover of the next magazine

but high school has long since been over,

and I still haven't found the strength to eat.

Can your textbook tell me why?

doesn't it have a chapter for me? Or yet another therapy?

Wake up, we all know that isn't what anyone needs

they only try to fix me

because they don't want to look at me

boney figure taking up space in the conference room again,

a grueling reminder that maybe

we don't have all the answers.

I HAUNT PEOPLE. I KNOW. (it’s all I have! It’s all I know!

My only talent, I fear, my only contribution to a starving worldÉ)

_________________________

LISA ARNDT

©January 31st, 1994