C h e w and S w a l l o w

the following poems were written by "H"

age 14 - struggling with anorexia nervosa & self mutilation

LOLA copyright 2005

rape me, rip me, suffocate my youth

steal away my innocence

dilute, degrade my truth

mutilate my organs, tear them into shreads

kiss me with your blameful lips, manipulate my head

tie me into knots that you know I can't undo

whisper sweet, fake promises till I fall in love with you

dress me up in shame and guilt, turn food into a sin

convince me that I need you here to keep the feelings in

you make me lie and scream and purge in hopes of being thin

and even with my homecourt advantage, you always seem to win

so as I lay, you have your way, we both know who you're killing

you tell me this is what I want, and of the void you're filling

and when I speak my mind to you, and all my hate in spilling

you look me in the eye and say:

"It isn't rape when you are willing"

i wish i could tell you how much i hate (when you do that, say that, think that) how i wring my wrists and clench my jaws then file the anger away as another one of my flaws but my guilt keeps me caged unnoticed and muted a pleasant nothingness as i occupy myself with blame and try not to notice your stare i'm so skilled at this repeatitive game that i truly believe i don't care.

Chew, Chew and Swallow

there are too many mornings where I can't stand

there are way too many gaping holes in my plans

silence snd stillness can't hide my shaking hands

as I stare, hard, at my feet, and follow the number to where it lands

oh, I'm sorry, little body, that all is not alright

and I'm sorry that you ache and cry and crumble and scream at night

oh, forgive me, I certainly didn't intend on picking this awful fight

but believe me, if you can, it can only get better, once I swallow that first bite.

I remember

when I was thirteen

the sun was bright

and our bodies were warm

and our minds, so young and weak

compared to the tight grips of your hands

compared to the aggressive desire in your stares

my mind, too old now, but still weak

can replay each word or whisper

that watered me down to a spineless, silent, nothing

each humiliating question I didn't answer

turning me into your own personal Barbie doll

fake, silent, and hallow.

(to my mommy Nita ~ love always, hannah)

my ears always ache, awaiting

those words

the ones i so vividly imagined

dribbling

from your lips

carressing my mind, with fingers

built from relief

the words i thought would drown me out

injecting my body with accomplished oblivion

my ears, always awake, awaiting

those words

the ones that never came

whose arrival was so necessary

who pushed me

who prompted so many punishments and tears

oh, i'll never exactly know how your voice would execute

those words that i'll never hear

blue veined firefly

i'm as light as can be, whem my bones set me free

and i float towards the moon in the twilight

veiny and pale, my limbs gracefully flail, as i sail, like a baby bird's first flight

the line of my lips, curves upward at the tips

and its shape does a lot to remind me

of my own jagged hips, their bones and their dips, and pride and accomplishment find me

but when i let it sink in, and i let myself win, i find i am falling from grace again

i feel heavy, not thin, and welcome her in, i give in, i give in

i give in

I punish myself, because you say you say, you say it'll be fun, it'll be fun, and it's my fault they laugh I hate myself

I hate myself for you

I close my mouth to keep you in keep you in, but nothing else no, nothing else, and now I'm bones, and all alone I've stopped eating

I've stopped eating for you

I open myself, to let you out open, open, wide and red red and crimson and are you happy yet I slit my teenage wrists I slit my teenage wrists for you

I'd give you all of me, I'd give you all of me I'd give you anything

I gave you everything

S C A R T I S S U E

stinging pain that makes me smile

as red rivers appear on bathroom tile

swirling before they pool into a lake

that is smeared and disturbed by hands that shake

from adrenaline that pulsates

and pumps through the vein

on the arm of the body, the body that drives me insane

what i see in the mirror, what i pinch on my thighs

the feeling i feel when they poke holes with mocking eyes

i see how you see me, i can never win

so many reasons i tear at my delicate skin

and make scars like tattoos, screaming a sad song

saying remember me, love me, in an ominous drone

saying see me, feel me, don't leave me alone

A DEAD GIRL WALKING AND HER MOTHER, ANA

so transparent and untouchable

a sweet little zombie princess

my innocent hand always entwined with yours

while you lead me through hallwayws and dark, shady doors

Oh, do i love you mother, i will push a bit more and impress you

but don't clap, because Perfect's a bore

so the standards are raised and the leniance is lowered

but the second i stumble, you keep me moving forward

Oh, the way you glaze over my sunken-eyed face

and appreciate the loose fabric ripping about my shrinking waist

and your dark, soft voice like velvet and lace

soothe and warm my insides for the food they replace

and for all my hard work, you let bones come to surface

Oh, their sick, delicate beauty, you do have a purpose!

even though you make me dizzy, and fall when i stand,

you're my mask, my fortress, my mother... my best friend.

all poems by "H"

L O L A copyright 2005

Thank you "H" for trusting me with your amazing work...

you should only love and care for a body that houses such a talented soul.

~ Lisa ~

to the left is a graphic showing the cycle of an eating disorder

that chews, chews and swallows people like Goddess "H" all too often

trinity 2005