Diabolical: Diabulimia
Goddess G's story of a frightening growing trend among adolescents with diabetes and eating disorders
The following is written by a beautiful young woman whom I have had the honor and delight of knowing for nearly four years... "G" is 20 and has been dying for years. Diagnosed with diabetes as a child, and then diagnosed with anorexia nervosa as a pre-teen... "G" began to manipulate her diabetic condition to control her weight and is one of many diabetics playing a severe, serious, and dangerous game with their life.
"Diabulimia" is not an official (DSM IV) psychiatric diagnosis, but is used to describe the disturbing growing number of people with diabetes that manipulate their intake of life-saving Insulin in order to temporarily alter their weight. "Diabulimia" is extremely serious for many reasons, as it has a doubled rate of physical toll taken on the body than diabetes or an eating disorder alone. Playing with keytone levels, dehydration, kidney functioning and blindness is just the beginning of this desperate combination of body loathing.
Dear Lisa, Here is what I wrote. Tell me if you want something different. Sorry it took me so long. I have been pretty sick and just got out of the hospital. I nearly died from insulin manipulation. The docs said if I had come in the next day I would have been dead. By the time you get this you may already know about that because I am going to try and call you. Sorry this is so scratchy, I am shaky. I think I did some permanent damage because I am constantly shaky now, and weak. I love you and hope all is well there. XOXO G
To be 18 years old and know you are dying is scary.
To know that taking a few injections of insulin would solve that problem but that I am too cowardly to do that is even harder.
Why? Because i learned that manipulation my diabetes is a 'great' weight loss technique. If you are a diabetic, skipping your insulin is another form of purging.
Insulin is the key that unlocks the cells to allow glucose in. Everything you eat turns to glucose. Without insulin, your cells lock, and don't allow anything in, including fluids [which are necessary to sustain life]. the glucose piles up in your blood stream, and you become very thirsty. The glucose needs water to be flushed out, so gallons of fluids are consumed. You urinate about every fifteen minutes. Your urine reeks of sugar, like a pastry factory. You are purging your system by doing nothing but eating. Hence the name, Diabulimia.
I didn't start out this way. I began as anorexic with bulimic tendencies, and as a compulsive exerciser. I was diagnosed with diabetes at age nine, and was very obsessed about being the "perfect" diabetic. I would even purge to keep a lower blood sugar. By age 11, I was extremely obsessed with food and weight, and by age 12, I was in therapy. It wasn't until age 13 that I was hospitalized for anorexia. I went in and out of hospitals for long periods of time. At home I would rarely binge, and usually purged, but sometimes, as a punishment, I would skip my insulin. I noticed this made me lose weight. At age 17, after nine months straight in 3 different treatment centers, things got very bad. I had this horrible urge after a few days of fasting, to eat everything.
And so I did. I skipped all my insulin but two units at night, sometimes only one. I would consume up to 40,000 calories a day, purge maybe half, and pee the rest out. My muscles deteriorated. My hair fell out, and many nights I couldn't breathe.
In February (2003) I had a heart attack after taking up to 80 laxatives a day for three months, so I knew I had to quit that. Even Standford ["G" has been hospitalized countless times] didn't know what to do. They sent me home and told my Mom to expect to find me dead in my bed one day soon.
My days became consumed with EKGs, getting labs taken, and doctor visits. I was so dehydrated that if I did venture to take my insulin I would gain so much as fifteen pounds of water overnight, so I quit trying.
I became too weak to go anywhere. I would cry for no reason, low cries, because I could barely breathe from all the acid in my lungs. My heart constantly raced, I developed G.E.R.D. (reflux), my labs were always off, and I was very weak. I would sleep 20 hours a day, the other 4 hours I spent between the kitchen and the bathroom, eating , drinking, peeing and sometimes puking. My speech became slower, and it wa an effort to even think.
The scariest day was when I lay awake in bed, too weak to move, and I heard my Mom whisper to my brother, "go make sure your sister is breathing".
I didn't know it at the time, but they were planning my funeral.
I finally decided I needed help, now. I went into a medical hospital, but they did more harm than good. I gained 26 pounds in 6 days from re-feeding syndrome and rebound edema (water retention), so on release, I went right back to my old habits, this time worse than ever. It took me two weeks to drop the weight, and I was sicker than ever. Everyday I prayed to get into CFD, but it would be another six weeks of waiting before I got in. ["G" has been in several different treatment centers, in and out of her state. She has tasted periods of recovery and has had temporary relief from her building health problems. She has been very socially active, gets excellent grades and is always well-liked by everyone who meets her. "G" had requested at this point to come to CFD after experiencing the most recovery she had known a couple years earlier during another stay at CFD.]
My blood sugars were constantly ovver 1,000 and I was too weak to do anything but binge and sleep. I would fall asleep anywhere, from lack of insulin and severe dehydration, even though I drank about 14 liters of soda a day, and two gallons of water.
Finally, the call came. I was to go to the CFD on May 27th (2003). I stayed there for three and a half months, regaining my health and self-esteem with some wonderful people. I came home August 14th, but it wasn't enough. I tried, but by Novemember I was in full relapse, after being verbally abused by an old boyfriend, and back in the environment where my eating disorder thrived.
Once again, I quit taking my insulin and began to binge and purge. I lost 25 pounds again by insulin manipulation. Before going to Treatment earlier, and in about five months, by skipping insulin, I lost my friends, my health, my hair, my happiness, and sense of security in life. But I also went from 126 to 80 pounds...
[note: Is this albeit dramatic weight loss worth the permanent damage? "G" was not enjoying her so-called perfect anorexic wasted body. Whatever happiness or success the anorexia promises you will have by losing more and more of your physical being does not exist. The chase is all the more heartbreaking for me to watch, as "G" knows this, and has known it as she dances between normal, skinny and emaciated again and again and again... you should see how she can talk to other teenagers suffering... wise beyond her years, well-versed in medical complications, diabetic functioning, and eating disorders, "G" could compentently educate medical doctors, professors and therapy professionals on this subject without a problem.]
I still do it, and I can't stop. Is it worth it? My bones are weak, I have sores on my mouth, my hair is thin, my heart flutters, it is a struggle to walk, and the docs say I will need dialysis and eye surgery by the time I'm twenty.
I am 18, and I live in a 90 year old body. So if you have diabetes, please, don't start, because once you do, you can't stop. Diabulimia, how I loathe thee.
"Over 800 days in the hospital, I am still not there, but someday I will be better."
~ G ~
* Dimstar Copyright January 2004 *
Thank you, G, I love you. Don't ever give up, Goddess, you've gotta get better and recover, and we'll tell the world how amazing you are on Oprah together!! You are Precious. Love & Peace, Lisa
To read G's on-going, up-and-down life... go to Diaryland and find Dimstar.
