The Methods of Madness
I know there are people reading this site now who are searching for more ways to be destructive to their already-fragile bodies. Rather than PRETEND that this doesn't go on, I want to be direct about it, because the smoke-and-mirrors game that we are all so busy playing HAS GOT TO STOP if we can have ANY hope for RECOVERY. So I will go down the list of some tricks and I'll tell you what I know about them, what I've seen, what I've done, and what the REAL consequences are... but first you need to know this:
THE NUMBER ONE TRICK? HIDING FROM YOURSELF. And, boy, we are good at that one, aren't we? We use our brilliant minds, our imaginations, our talents, our energies, our health... we use all of it to HIDE from ourselves, to LIE to ourselves (and others), to HURT ourselves (and others, sometimes intentionally and sometimes not), and to AVOID our lives. Why are you wasting yourself?
The most difficult trick of all is the eating disorder itself and what it has done to us (our minds, our bodies, our souls). But if you can master the tricks of an eating disorder than I dare you to take on the tricks of something new: RECOVERY.
Let's get honest. There are "tricks of the trade" to be discovered, endured, shared, and done in secret. These tricks are well-guarded by the pleased and proud disordered eater who has found them. Many of us go out of our way to research eating disorders in an effort to find more of these Trick-or-Treats. As a thirteen year old I read "The Best Little Girl In The World" and rather than be scared of by the main character's plight, I was fascinated by her tactics and picked up some of her habits for myself... perfecting them and making them my own (added a touch of my personality, simmered, and brought to boil).
The book did not CAUSE my eating disorder. I was already sick when I sought out the book to find hints. What might have been powerful at the time was if the author said: HEY, I KNOW YOU ARE READING THIS TO FIND WAYS TO PRACTICE YOUR EATING DISORDER and asked me to look at myself and WHY I was doing such a destructive thing with my intelligence.
This would not have necessarily made me stop my disturbing behaviors, but it would have ACKNOWLEDGED the reality and CHALLANGED me into considering what I was doing and why. THIS IS WHAT I AM ASKING OF YOU NOW. To LOOK at yourself, your behavior, your desire, your HUNGER for DESTRUCTION and think about it. I know you are intelligent, use your intelligence and THINK about what you are REALLY doing and what is going on with you that has brought you to this point... PLEASE STOP HIDING FROM YOURSELF, STOP RUNNING AWAY, STOP MASKING ALL YOUR FEELINGS WITH THE DISORDERED EATING AND DISCOVER WHO YOU ARE AND HOW AMAZING YOU CAN BE IN RECOVERY. JUST IMAGINE WHAT ALL THIS EFFORT COULD DO IF IT WERE FUELED INTO SOMETHING POSITIVE...
My heart is with you. Lisa
