The Self-Denial Season

physical, emotional & spiritual consequences

I have been my own batterer. I have beaten myself up both physically and emotionally, which then hurts me spiritually. I did not leave my batterer, instead I kept coming back for more and more. I was never safe because the batterer was inside of me, watching my every move. I could do nothing right. The whole thing was such a cruel setup and I got trapped and missed out on years of living. I am asking you to reconsider the direction your life is going. If you have an eating disorder right now and are doing nothing but planning more eating disorder behaviors, please be conscious of the damage that you are doing and planning for. If you continue to choose to hurt yourself then at least try to find out why you are doing so. You are both a victim of abuse and an abuser and life will continue to feel overwhelming and difficult until you start talking about it and examining it.

* ANOREXIA CAN MAKE YOU FAT!! It's true! Starving oneself will compromise your physical body in MANY ways, including your body's metabolism. People who eat MORE food than anorexics are able to maintain naturally-slim figures without bruising their metabolism. Once you've hurt your metabolism BEYOND REPAIR, you can actually gain weight eating only a couple hundred calories a day. IT IS NOT WORTH IT. Anorexic food plans will also stop your body from growing taller (if you are at an age where you are still growing) and can actually SHRINK your height due to osteoporosis. I have lost a half-inch of my height and I won't ever get it back. I was not the most severe case the world has seen, either, so don't fool yourselves into thinking that you have to be emaciated in order to suffer medical consequences.

* EVERY ONE WITH AN EATING DISORDER, NO MATTER WHAT THEY WEIGH, WILL HAVE MEDICAL CONSEQUENCES... INCLUDING DEATH.

IF YOU GET HELP SOON YOU MIGHT BE LUCKY ENOUGH NOT TO HAVE PERMANENT DAMAGE... I was not so lucky, I have permanent damage and I was never that drastically low in weight. My permanent physical damage includes:

1. Osteoporosis (low bone density in my back, which is how I lost a half inch in my height, something I actually like about my body has been its height!),

2. Hormone imbalance (which causes me to grow some facial hair... now, isn't that glamorous?),

3. Dental problems (expensive and painful = not a good combination),

4. Erratic menstrual cycles (which can hurt my ability to have children, as will the osteoporosis),

5. And heart strain (at the ripe old age of 27).

The list was even longer while I was acting in the eating disorder. For further information regarding the MANY medical consequences of ALL eating disorders, please visit: www.mirror-mirror.org

Or better yet, make an appointment with a doctor and find out what is going on inside of you, physically, and what can be done to help!

Emotional damage is also a factor of disordered eating. I had Depression before I started my first diet, and I still battle with Depression today. But there are a lot of treatments for Depression and I have gotten help. However my emotions can be rather messy at times and certain things still trigger the self-hate "tapes" that play in my head (that played constantly during my eating disorder). My ability to have HEALTHY relationships with other people was definitely compromised during my struggle and I find myself still learning how to have healthy boundaries and communication with people I love. My eating disorder stunted my emotional growth in this way and I am busy making up for lost time.

Spiritual damage was absolutely a part of my eating disorder. In order to really LET GO of my disordered thinking (the anorexic logic still pops in my mind from time to time) and in order to find a way to handle each day, it was REQUIRED that I investigate my spirituality. RELIGION is not necessary, but your own personal version of spirituality is key. The spiritual damage we do to ourselves when we are eating disordered keeps us from being able to experience any sense of spiritual or cosmic magic that might be in our lives. It keeps us from getting to know ourselves better, and it keeps us from being able to love ourselves.

Having physical, emotional and spiritual damage is not beautiful.

There is nothing "cool" about being disconnected from nature or your own version of spirituality. There is nothing "cool" about being hunched over in your 30's because your bones are so depleted from self-abuse. There is nothing "cool" about not being able to express your feelings because you never paid attention to them. Stop battering yourself before you have done too much damage... and start making the efforts to repair your wounded self... please.