W i s h b o n e (page 1, also pg 2; pg 3 and pg 4)

The Secret Wish To Be or Continue To Be Anorexic

There are a growing number of pages on the internet regarding the desire to be anorexic, as well as pages about being anorexic and staying that wayÉ A curious new phenomenon. Though I don't believe it is "new" except that there wasn't easy access to other people the where there is now, on the internet (it's so amazing how we can all talk now). I have heard many girls and women in the world saying something to the effect of "I wish I was anorexic for a couple weeksÉ" and I see it as a direct reaction to our culture and the distorted pressure to be thin or else. I can't tell you how many times I have longed to stop and talk to those girls I overhear in the clothing store dressing rooms who ask each other "Does this make me look fat?" What would I say, exactly, I don't knowÉ that I understand them so well it aches? ÉThat because I centered my energy into my weight and calories for seven meaningless years my back now aches too? ÉOr that I spend a lot of my time still married to this subject via my work and this web site?

I remember wishing to be anorexic. I remember doing it all, searching for tricks, feeling oh-so-clever when I found them, and feeling like I won something when I first heard about laxatives. Then the person I heard it from almost died. Next it was my turn. It's an endless cycle. And the wish never gets answered, because when you actually are anorexic you don't feel anorexic (in the way you had fantasized anyway). And other things start to disappear besides your weight. Like your sense of humor and your ability to relax. There is urgency, an unnatural anxiety that starts to take over. It might happen slowly or it might reach up and grab you completely by surprise. But once it reaches you, it pulls you under (Tracey Gold used to describe it like drowning, I appreciate this image a lot), and then even though people will throw life rafts at you (some will do so tirelessly, some will set boundaries for their own sanity, but all of them love you I promise), it will be hard to trust the part of you that wants to grab onÉ because the anorexia is a sweet talker. And the societal "approval" that can occur with weight loss is also a sweet talkerÉ especially since we already feel badly about ourselves.

It is a trap. It is quicksand.

Having the dream, the goal, or the plan to become anorexic is a sign of pain, hurt, fear, and trouble. Something is going on already. No need to actually demolish your body, I promise you, wishing to be anorexic is the illness already showing. You are already feeling badly about yourself (the anorexia mission will only make those feelings grow worse), you are already feeling like you can't express yourself, you are already disturbed by something (your life, the world, love, loss, etc. etc.), and that is the heart of the matter.

I am curious about this Wish Bone phenomenon in that there seems to be peer support for it too (I think I was too afraid to tell any of my friends, I remember writing it in my journal though) and I just wonder what is bugging everyone to push us in this directionÉ and I want to know why something isn't being done about itÉ I can feel this issue mounting and I wonder what to do about it. I think of going to high schools to speak to them, but I don't know if I'd hurt the situation or help it or whatÉ does it feel good to talk about these truths?

I don't want to ignore it.

I can'tÉ because I see the potentialÉ

On one hand, there is potential for people to find support early on with an anorexic mind as it is growing, so this might help stop the anorexia monster from being full-blown before someone gets help/can find help/feels "sick enough" to deserve help/etc.

On the other hand, there is potential for people to get into some seriously dangerous situationsÉ there are men that find the skinny woman desirable because she is weak (and thus maybe can't defend herself)É there is also competition started that can quite literally turn into a RACE towards DEATH for two so-called close friends (!! I have already heard of this happening and one of them dies and the other is left with utter despairÉ it is an awful situation.)

And maybe it is okay to entertain the idea if it keeps you feeling okay, as long as it remains an idea onlyÉ but is that possible?? It wasn't for me.

And maybe this is impossible to stop because the tidal wave is already building and the more fuel is added the more people it will eventually be able to drownÉ exactly what Anorexia wantsÉ

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SEND ME YOUR THOUGHTS ON THIS: wishbone@anorexicweb.com

(below an e-mail that made me finally sit down and write about this, which I had been thinking of for a while nowÉ thank you S.K.)

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>Subject: Commendation

>Date: Mon, Dec 20, 1999, 5:28 PM

I first learned about your site while reading People magazine, and at the time did not realize that it had been created and designed by you. I spent time reading the stories and comments and viewing the pictures. I myself do not feel that I suffer from any eating disorder, but the thoughts cross my mind, sometimes frequently sometimes not, depending on my current emotional state. As I am sure you are well aware, it is most difficult to remind myself of how horrible the affects of an eating disorder are when I am thinking that maybe my boyfriend, or someone else much less consequential in my life, would like me better if I weighed less or looked better. I know that it comes down to a self-esteem issue, and at times I feel like the strongest female on earth- when seconds later I feel like the weakest, most undesirable human being there is. I am still not sure what has driven me to write this email, other than the fact that you may understand what I am saying. I wanted to commend you on your site and your work- it is both shocking and touching and scary and enlightening- just as I think you intended it to be. Good work, and good luck in your continuing fight. -S. K.

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Thank you S!

This e-mail really touched me, and you hit it well when you named my intentions perfectly. I appreciate your honesty and I think there are a lot of people who "entertain" the idea of an eating disorder (don't many do the same with other addictions at times?) when the world pressures us to look a certain way, be a certain way, achieve a certain thing... actually your e-mail made me think of something I haven't heard others talk about much... and that is the idea of so many people wishing to be anorexic (I've heard the sentence "I wish I could catch anorexia for a couple weeks" before) as a direct result of the pressure to be thin, and worse, the FIRMLY held societal BELIEF that thinner is better. When does being ourselves become okay? Some time soon I hope. Thank you for being so real. I value it. Wishes, Lisa

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We have entered a new milliennium, which we can utilize by remembering history before there were millienniums... when the Goddess was worshipped alongside the God and her many physical forms were honored equally... Dare to dream of a world where the female body, in her natural form (be that tall, short, thick or thin) was regarded as BEAUTIFUL... because that IS the truth. We are ALL beautiful in every way in every shape!! Merry Milliennium to you.

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Go to Page Two of Wishbone!