W i s h b o n e page 4
The Secret Wish To Be or Continue To Be Anorexic
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Currently I am doing a search paper on anorexia nervosa. I came home and told my mom the topic I had chosen and she asked why. I said because so many girls face anorexia each day. Now that I think about it is that wish I could be anorexic. When ever I see some really skinny I wish I was them. I think to my self if only I was not so fat. Because I am fat. I wear a size 5 and I am 5'7 and like 120 lbs. Each day I only wish I was thin enough to wear a size 1 or 0. I mean I look in the mirror and see all the fat on my body. Yet my friends tell me I am skinny but you and me both know that is only because they want to be nice and not hurt my feelings. When I eat I feel like I am becoming fat. I try and throw up when ever I eat too much or take laxatives. I go for a day or two without eating but then I go back to eating again. It pains me so much that I weight so much if only I was 100lbs. But everything I stop eating I become fatter. So I am doing this anorexia nervosa paper and it requires an oral presentation and as I do I only wish I was that skinny. What is wrong with me why do I want to be skinny and dream of one day being able to starve myself.
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O my Gosh, this happened to me as a hint even before they diagnosed me with anorexia. I was at the Doctors office when they still didn't know what was wrong with me (niether did I), and I weighed like low, way way under. This overweight nurse procedes to lift up my shirt and say "whew, I wish I had a waistline like that". I said nothing, but felt great about what she said, yet felt that I might need to loose a bit more. Then a nurse at the hospital, medical hospital when I was first diagnosed and did not believe I was anorexic, well she was mean to me all of the time but mentioned how she wished she could have my problem for just a week. Talk about encouragement!! I have had several nurses tell me that, and also friends. When I lost a lot of weight and I came back to school this fall I literally had girls chasing me around the halls in the cafeteria asking for my "secret". I told them it was nothing good, and I wouldn't tell them KRAZI WORLD!!
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My name is Nelson, and I'm a 19 year.old dancer. I have decided to give up bulimia. Because it don't help me be thin. I have anorexic friends. They are real thin and they get more parts than me, because they are thin. I'm the teacher assistant. I also choreograph the routines. And I don't understand why they do this. So I ask one of my friends to help me become thin. She is gonna coach me on how to eat 300 cal. day. I just wanna be thin. - DANCER.
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Lisa, I often browse for hours on such sites and never feel it necessary to respond, but I feel such urgency in letting you know what a wonderful job you have done with your site. I have been anorexic for three years now and often looked at waif-like pics as incentive. However, the pics you have on the site are scary, not attractive, and that's what anorexia is. The wishbone link is so accurate it's scary. If only there was a way to make people understanding that wishing for anorexia is wishing your whole entire being away. This is coming from someone who used to be a talented, energetic, homecoming queen. I'm now an isolated, depressed, weak soul...trapped soul. Thank you for all you've done and continue to do. Good luck to you! Brandi
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First of all I would just like to say that I completely appreciate what you have done for all of us with this web page. Secondly, I would like to comment on the "Wishbone" section. I completely understand what you are trying to describe. In fact, I'm currently putting myself through hell trying to cope with these feelings.
I was recently re-diagnosed as EDNOS rather than anorexic because of my weight gain. Now I feel completely lost. How can I no longer be anorexic? I still exercise like a maniac and count every single calorie! Yet because my menstrual cycle returned I am considered much more healthy than before. Well, personally, I hate it! I want so badly to be back where I was just a few short months ago. I know that this is dangerous and damaging but now when I look in the mirror I see this girl who looks like a hippo, and I'm still like 15 pounds underweight! I feel that if I could only lose a few pounds I would feel better about all of this.
Being on a college campus I have had ample opportunity to compare myself to the numerous other eating disordered students (I also agree that we can easily pick each other out of a crowd!). Every time I see a girl who is thinner than me I get jealous because she is doing "it" so much better than I am. Sometimes I think, starving was one thing I was good at and now there are so many people who are better at it than me. My competative nature encourages me every single day to go back to where I was because then I could be the best at something again. What can I say, perfectionistic tendencies run deep!
So yes, I know the feeling of wanting to keep this disease. And being a psych major one would think that I could overcome such obstacles but I can't, because I don't know if I really want to. That's such an important issue with this whole thing, when we decided that we WANT to do something, NOTHING can get in our way to stop us. It is a path of self-destruction that seems never ending until we decide that we have had enough and even
then it could be too late. I thought I had decided that I was tired of the game and now that I've been away and closed in on health I'm ready to turn around. I don't know, sometimes I think maybe this is all a big game of chicken.
I think that deep down there is a piece of all of us that will always want to keep a-hold of this thing. As destructive as it is, we all manage to find some kind of sickening peace within it's arms. To all too many of us going back is like going home. Personally, I'm on my way home. Why? I couldn't tell you that, I just feel that's where I need to be right now. Maybe I miss the attention, maybe it's much deeper than that. I assure that I don't have the answers, if I did I wouldn't be doing this again.
Thank you again!
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I'm writing because I'm feeling quite lost in my recovery from my anorexia. I have been on a rigid food plan for 7 years, one that I've religiously followed. While it worked and was helpful for a long time, I am finding now, have now realized that I am still trapped in this diet mentality, and good/bad food mindset. My weight has dropped about 10 pounds, and I am finding myself fantasizing, sick as it may be, about "the good old days" of the untouchability of ultra bone thinness. I know this is sick and I know it all stems from how much I feel is out of control in my life right now and I'm trying so hard not to beat myself up and tell myself that I'm weak or bad for acting out my fear on food and my body. I'm so scared about so much right now. I just moved to NYC 11 months ago to pursue a career as an actress, I am engaged, I have money worries and I guess its my old shit of trying to do it all perfectly and knowing that I can't and so therefore trying to be perfect with food. I don't want to go back to where I was. I am so afraid to change the way I think and behave and structure and control my food. I need help. I need God. I'm writing because I want to change and I want to be free and I want to love myself. I want you and everyone who reads this to love themself. I want to live, fully. I want to eat a donut which I haven't done in 8 years. Is that crazy? I want to let go of this wish to have anorexic perfection, which is for me, a wish for death. I thank you for this site, and for your work. Love and Prayers
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I haven't looked at this website for awhile because, this may sound stupid but I felt like I was way too fat to be looking at stuff like that lately. I used laxatives a lot in high school and tried not to eat at all. I went away to ballet school after graduation but had to come home because of injuries. It never occurred to me that I kept falling because I couldn't hold myself up. I didn't think I was thin enough to be considered eating disordered even though doctors and my psychologist told me I was. I didn't believe them
because my sister was 5'8" and weighed 98 pounds (she was anorexic) and my friend from ballet was in the hospital weighing 65 pounds. I didn't want to be sick because I didn't want to hurt my family. I knew how frustrating it was to deal with both of them. I told myself I would never get to that point but in my heart I knew it was because I thought they were much stronger than me.
I can not say that ballet caused me to be upset about weight. It certainly didn't help but I have been obsessed with being fat for literally as long as I can remember. I wouldn't wear jeans in kindergarten because I thought they made my legs were fat. I never thought it was weird to be constantly thinking about weight. When I look back at pictures of myself I realize I was really thin as a kid so I don't know where I got the idea that I was fat. After the injuries I came home from ballet school and decided that I would quit ballet. I tell myself it was because I felt it was bad for me and made me think of myself in unhealthy ways and I was quitting out of self-respect, but i know I quit out of shame.
I was a failure. I could not be thin enough because after going days without eating and dancing 6 hours a day, I would feel so sick I would let myself eat just a little and then I would get out of control and eat everything in sight. Then I would take 30 ex-lax and pray that I would die because I didn't want to wake up and remember what I had eaten. In the process of all of this I was sick all the time and looking back I was very thin but never thin enough. I tried to move on in my life. I met the most wonderful man and got married. I can actually say he is the best thing that ever happened to me. I felt for the first time that someone thought I was truly beautiful and even if I didn't agree, I could
appreciate it and feel love.
Recently, all the old habits are back. I lost 40 lbs in a few months. I don't take ex-lax anymore because I swore to my husband I would never do it again, but I don't eat anything but fat free potato chips with Olean and drink about 5 cups of coffee everyday because it makes me go to the bathroom and I need to feel that emptiness. I was a 4.0 student in college until now. I have only been to about 5 classes this whole semester because I feel so horrible and disgusting all the time. I didn't want to look at this website because I feel like I don't have the willpower to consider myself to have anything in common with you all. I hate the way I look and I don't know what to do about it. My close friends are worried and they say I have gotten too thin. I have certain moments of clarity when I realize what I am doing and I get scared, but most of the time I feel embarrassed. In my heart I know that there are so many things that are more important than weight and I realize what I am doing to my husband.
When I see people that our society would consider overweight that are happy with themselves, I admire them more than anyone in the world because they are really the ones that have what I want. I want to feel happy with myself like Rosie O'donnell is. That sounds dumb but I watch here everyday and tell myself that someday I will be like her. I have a picture of her on my bathroom mirror because my goal is to be truly happy, not thin, but that's a
lie. I feel like I never got over the problems I had before, but I'm not thin enough to say I have a problem now. I sometimes wish I was so thin and sick looking that people would know how I feel on the inside because I don't think want to tell them with words. I feel jealous of people who are so thin because they look like the frail, scared and sick person that I feel like inside. I know this is stupid, and you probably won't even finish reading this because I just keep babbling and I don't really know what I'm talking about right now. i'm sorry.-a
***NOTE FROM LISA*** Yes I finished reading and no you aren't babbling, you make a lot of sense. You sound sad and lost to me, and I want to encourage you to reach out and get help from someone, anyone, go to a therapist or an eating disorder support group and try it for a little while- please. You don't need to be skin and bones to express yourself, even though you already are, and believe me it is so much better to learn other ways to express yourself and you will feel so much more FREE! I'm begging you to give help a chance. With love, LISA
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hi. i have a question. let me try and see if I understand this. The intense desire to become anorexic stems from a small bit of anorexia that has already attacked the mind but has not (yet) fully developed? YES YES YES EXACTLY!
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Lisa, your site is so powerful. I've been struggling with my eating disorders for almost 15 years. Reading your page today caused me to burst into tears, right at my desk, because I'm seeing all these women that feel the same as I do. You see the stories in People and on Inside Edition, yet it doesn't really touch you.
I'm a member of the "The Thinner I Get, the Fatter I Feel" camp, and I don't think there is anything that could convince me to return to normal eating habits. My daily diet is mainly a handful of dry cereal like grape nuts in the morning with two diet pills and milk of magnesia when I get home at night. What's that, maybe 100 to 200 calories in the course of a day if I have a soda for lunch? Yet I scrutinize every inch of my body daily, looking for that evil fat that creeps up over the course of a day, fat that comes from that handful of cereal.
As I'm rambling, I'll get to my point. I have a mother and a sister who both have eating disorders. I was not pressured to be thin so much as it was just "expected". I know that sounds contradictory, but as my mother never had food in the house, it was just assumed that I didn't need to eat, either. My sister started her anorexic trip in high school has now added constant exercising to her "diet regimen", and has gotten, well, just grossly thin. This should make me stop and think, but instead it makes me so jealous, that she has the willpower to get so thin and I don't. Everyone goes on about how little she is, and that triggers me to even skip the cereal. I know that my metabolism has gotten so screwed up over the years that I'll probably never be normal, but it's also keeping me from dropping below the "plateau", and reaching that elusive "skinny" stage. I think, if they can do it, I can do it, and yet I always weaken and have a pretzel or a french fry. After I eat something other than my cereal I loathe myself for days.
My husband calls me the Air Plant, and even though he complains about my obsession with food, he never goes beyond asking me if I've eaten on a particular day. He says he's sick of hearing me complain about being fat. Then I overcompensate by making him these huge meals and then not eating any of it. He says that if I was as gross and disgusting as I seem to think I am, he would be selling tickets for people to gawk at me. While this should drill some sense into me, it just makes me feel worse. How can I tell him that a size 4 isn't good enough when my sister is a size 2 and that the salesgirl smirks at me when I ask for a small and she mentions that she bought the last extra-small?
Shopping for my wedding dress, supposedly one of the happiest days of a girl's life, was traumatic, because the sizes are so skewed. The saleswoman put a size 8 on me, and it fit, and I got hysterical despite her assurances that the sample dress sizes are meant to be 3 or 4 sizes too big. I had myself in the sample size 4 before the wedding, something that the saleswoman had never seen anyone do before. And yet no one says, "You're too thin". No one says, "This isn't healthy." They just tell you how lucky you are that you can get so thin, and how on earth did you do it? My maid of honor just asked if I was back on the cereal diet and nodded when I said no, of course not.
The biggest hurdle for me, I think, will be pregnancy. Providing my body isn't too far gone to get pregnant, that is. I don't know what I'm going to do, because I can't stop from gaining weight when I do get pregnant. What is this going to do to my fragile stability? Am I going to freak out? What if I don't lose the weight after the baby? What if I stay fat forever?
I've been trying to avoid the subject but my husband's clock is ticking, he says we've waited long enough, he wants a baby to spoil, and I'm not going to turn into the 400 pound woman. What does he know about the fact that you get stretch marks, your ass gets huge, your breasts double in size? How horrifying is that to me? And why can't he see this? Maybe because I don't tell him these things, because he wouldn't understand. Very few men get it, most of them think of a paunch as an achievement. I know men suffer from anorexia as well, but I've never met one in my life.
Anorexia, for me, has never really been about weight, it's always been about self-control. Self-control is my all encompassing motivation in my life. The constant self-denial is so detrimental, and yet it's addictive, because you begin to feel like a martyr. "Oh, I'm suffering so, these people just don't understand." You're always cold, you're always tired, you're always fuzzy-headed. And yet, you can still accomplish twice as much as these people with no willpower that keep McDonald's in business. God, it hurts so much, "if only, if only, if only." If only I hadn't eaten that carrot stick, if only I hadn't eaten that potato chip. If only I could lose five
more pounds, and I'd be worthy.
You don't have to post this, because it's just me rambling, but I want to thank you for your site, your caring, and your determination to help people like me. You have no idea what this page means to me. Please keep up your good work. Blessings and best wishes to you.
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I'm not sure what to think of your site yet. I have just begun looking through it. But, the only reason I came in the first place was because I have battled an eating disorder for years. I have been eating again but refuse to get help, because "I got myself into this, and I can get myself out". Anyhow I know the effects of anorexia and bulimia on the body and mind. I've been through and battled my way to regular eating habits again. But now I've gained weight back and I have that desire to just become anoretic for a few months, and then everything will be fine. It is my constant wish, that one desire is the reason I am not and never will be cured. I don't think any amount of therapy or self-esteem will ever make me stop wishing I could be anoretic or bulimic again. Thanks.
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I feel like a horrible person. There are people out there trying to get better and fighting their way through this terrible disease and sitting here wanting it. I know exactly what I'm doing. I have read books on it and I see the normal mental problems and I know I don't have any. My problem is I want it more than anything. I'm not sure why but I must be the worst person. Only one of my friends knows what I'm doing. She tells me that I'm stupid and I won't be able to play basketball if I keep up but I know that will never happen to me. It's not a control thing with me because sometimes I can't control what I eat. How I look is partly it but not the deep down reason. I just can't figure myself out. I don't know why I'm sending this but I saw this section and I first thought of myself than anything else. Maybe one day I can fix this and not want it so badly. I just wanted you say, if there are any others like me, sit down and think about what your doing because people like me know exactly what they are doing. -L
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I've just finished reading through the section 'wish bone' and all it's responces, and i must say, I'm guilty of such a crime. I've been coe (compulsive over eater) for well over 6 years (and I'm only 17 now), but once (2 years ago) i realized that i had a problem, i began to panic. it's just not acceptable to be anything less than stick thin in this society, much less a coe! I've never been fat persay, just average. but that didn't matter at all to me when i found out i was overeating. i declared myself fat and weak, and that something MUST be done. and so began my 'quest' for anorexia. i found every article i could on it. I searched websites, bought books, longed over pictures...everything i could,
hoping, just praying that by doing this i could somehow 'catch' a little of it. just enough to make me thin i thought. and stay that way. not like everyone else though. i wouldn't let it get out of hand. well, needless to say my search turned miserable. i never 'caught' anorexia, i just couldn't (can't) stop eating, and so in the end i turned out becoming bulimic.
i'd like to say that i learned my lesson. that i realize that anorexia isn't the answer, but it still lingers. i've had my starvation spells (never very long) and have at times lost a good deal of weight, and even then, i felt the same. i still felt like the same fat old me. you'd think that by seeing that id wake up and smell the fresh coffee, but still, i sit here, promising myself that one day i will be good enough, strong enough, and thin enough. that one day ill become anorexic. the sane part of me realizes how horrible that is, and how bad i feel for anyone struggling with anorexia, and how they must hate me for saying that. but the illogical, hurting, scared side of me prevails. and so i will go to bed again tonight, with the sent of vomit and today's 2 meals on breath, and hope that tomorrow i will over come food. twisted and pathetic, i know, but i cant help this feeling.
love and luck to you all suffering, ~e
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Lisa - what follows is just me venting out. I want to say that your site is amazing. Its not this superficial encasement idea of eating disorders - it gets right down to it. There's no bull, all truth. Very realistic and touching. I read the article in People you were first in. I hear your struggle girl! Glad that you have risen above the clutches of this stupidity to do something helpful.
The compassion I see in this site is REAL. You mean EXACTLY what you say here. I respect that. Thank you for doing such a wonderful job. In love and solidarity -Darlee
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Now, I don't know who's going to read this. Perhaps someone like myself. Someone who's dealt with this shit for YEARS and FINALLY after all this time, is just starting to see how horrible I have been treating myself. AND YET from time to time, I still find myself wishing, wanting, hoping SO desperately, that someday I will be completely satisfied with myself, and who I AM. This behavioral manifestation of a deeper, more complex
dissatisfication, plagues me EVERY SINGLE DAY. I have not purged for nearly a year and a half, after obsessing for nearly 7 years. I remember still, so many times in this recovery time-span that I have leaned over toilets, white knuckled and scared to death, to the point that my heart was racing faster than I ever imagined it could. And still, being "in recovery" and fully knowing that in a moment of weakness, I could resort to that compulsive and addictive lifestyle SO easily.
Right now - I see my exams STARING ME IN THE FACE. It scares the control freak in me to the BONE, but somehow, I know, that just because I'm looking in the mirror in the bathroom, doesn't mean that I need to go over to that toilet and rid myself of everything I've owned for the day. I still have problems eating. I skip so many 'meals'. I'm not even sure what a REAL meal is supposed to be. I don't want my life to constantly revolve around this annoying obsession, but it does. Nearly every fucking minute. It does.
Now, if you're reading this because you think 'you might have a problem', TELL SOMEBODY. You don't have to tell the whole world that you think you're anorexic or bulimic, but tell someone that you can talk to openly, that you think you might be having problems with eating, and that you want to talk about it. DON'T KEEP IN ALL INSIDE. Ask for help. Too many people die from this. They really do. You may not think that YOU can, and maybe you don't CARE if you do, BUT YOU WERE PUT ON THIS PLANET FOR A REASON - to LIVE. You're life is worth so much.
I urge anyone who reads this - don't do this to yourself. STOP the denying and the lying and the excuses. No more. You can be better. You can. This just isn't worth obsessing over.
Remember that you are loved. YOU ARE. Love yourself.
Be open to that. Please.
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Hello, I thought I'd drop a line to say thanks for all your time and work that you are putting into healing others. You are honest, realistic and sensitive to others and how frustrating it must be to know that there are those who will take this knowledge, read it, understand it yet ignore it; using it only to "motivate" their disease even further. As I sit here surfing and sipping V-8 ( I binged yesterday and have decided to limit my intake to liquids only for the rest of the week, it's only tuesday) I feel inspired and ashamed, not knowing if I'm inspired by the recovery aspect or of the fantasy of taking this further; not sure if I'm ashamed of these ED traits I can relate to, or ashamed that I haven't the will enough to go that far with it.... it's all very frightening and eye-opening. I have noticed that we with ED's seem to be extremely intelligent people, I've read letters here from 13-14 yr olds that seem to have their heads on straight, why is it that we are so smart yet haven't the sense enough to stop killing ourselves?
I am 22 yrs. old and have 2 children, I have had an on-off relationship with bulimia(with anorexic tendencies) for the past 8 yrs or so. It began when I started high school. The only times I felt "safe" were during my two pregnancies, yet after the birth of my youngest(four months ago) those thoughts and feelings started again, very strongly. I am 20 lbs overweight at the time and I'm desperate and scared out of my wits because I know where I'm going and I can't stop it.
I just wanted to thank you for your site, it helps open up my eyes and shed some light on the seriousness of ED's . It's ironic how we feed our brains, while starving our bodies. Hopefully I can nourish both while I still can........
Congratulations on a truly creative and powerful website. I can't believe that I'm not the only sick person out there who wants this pointless disease.
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I first learned about "anorexia nervosa" through reading The Best Little Girl in the World in the supermarket, ironically enough. I would read a few pages at a time during each of my parents' weekly grocery-shopping trips. I was 11 years old and about 65 pounds at the time and thought to myself that I'm so skinny I don't even need to loose weight to be anorexic. It seemed like such an exotic disease. It fascinated me. A few years later, when I had grown a bit, the book became a prime-time movie and everyone at school was talking about it. That's when I consciously decided that it would be "neat" to become anorexic. I loved the idea of getting so thin that my parents would freak out and just care about my life without my having to fulfill all their expectations. I also wanted to get the attention of my drama teacher. So I started leaving my bag lunches in the locker or just throwing them out. Then I started skipping breakfast. Then I started passing out in school. Then I was hospitalized for the first time in ninth grade. That's how seven years of anorexic hell started. Eventually I found a regular therapist and stuck with her for twice a week for many years, even after the behavioral symptoms had subsided.
I was "recovered" or in remission from anorexia for eight years. Yes, my weight dipped during times of extreme stress, but it always went back up and I even maintained at 118 (I'm 5'5") for two years.
A year ago I hit another major life change and my weight dropped to 94 pounds. Even though I'm hovering around 100 these days, my doctors and therapists (I have a regular one and also see an ED specialist) all say that I'm anorexic. Yet I don't believe them. I'm not THAT thin. I don't look anorexic. That's the weirdest part for me now. Part of me really wants to be anorexic for whatever warped reason, and now that everyone is telling me that I am indeed anorexic, I don't believe them. I'm too fat to be anorexic-that's my recurring mantra despite your wise cautions to the contrary on this site. Writing this is cathartic for me: I actually want to look anorexic. I want people to see my inner pain. Some people have said that is shows, but I won't believe it until I look like the pictures on your site. I'm not saying this to make you feel bad because you have made it very clear that the pictures are not meant to be triggering. I'm just being honest and it's a relief to admit all this in writing.
On a more positive note, I should mention that part of me is working hard to stop caring about weight and confront the underlying issues more directly (hence, all the therapists). Also, I'm fully functional and have a wonderful career and husband. The anorexic demons lurk beneath the surface. No one would ever guess that I've been labeled "anorexic" or that I want to lose more weight to be worthy of that label. Thanks for letting me share this.
With love, K
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I have avoided posting on your site for fear that my style would be recognized by close friends/my boyfriend, but I have decided to take the risk anyway, because I feel that what I have to say might help people. I'm currently 17 years old, a senior, and have struggled with bulimarexia since I was in 7th grade (worse in high school than middle school....) I went to Remuda Ranch for 72 days in 1998, and all in all have had my fair share of mental hospitals and ER visits, been poked and prodded and come to be completely fed up with myself for a number of years. But, for a while (6 months in 1999), I was "recovered" -- meaning I was not practicing disordered eating, I was happy with the way I looked, and I was able to live a "normal" life (whatever that is.)
But this year, my desire to accomplish the original "goal" of my ED came back, full force. I had set a weight in my mind, and through the field hockey season and the fall drama and the spring musical I obsessed over the weight and tried to get there. "Then I'll be happy; then I'll let myself stop." I used to cry, thinking I would never get there. I used to get angry and not even be able to look in the mirror at my "HUGE" thighs, "BLIMPY" stomach, "BLOATED" face, "WATER-RETAINING" wrists and ankles and fingers. I would sob on the phone to my boyfriend "why do I have to have a body!?!?" I was proud of my bruises from purging; and I was "almost" to my goal. I came up with the goal primarily after looking up what the official "anorexic" weight for my height would be, and subtracting 5 lbs. I came within 5 lbs of my goal, and I was proud of it. I think that deep down inside I was thinking that maybe that weight would be "rock bottom" -- praying it would be, because I am the type who has to hit rock bottom before coming back up.
Well, I had a revelation before I fell off the cliff (technically I was about a step away). I too a look at my self, my life, who I was becoming. I took a good look in the mirror, and read my old journals. I payed attention to the way people were reacting to me, as compared to how they did when I wasn't wasting away. And you know what, I didn't like what I saw. I didn't like that I was wasting MYSELF, and my LIFE and my GIFTS for the sake of living up to some standard that I didn't even set; in the hopes that MAYBE if society thinks I'm beautiful, I will be able to love myself.... and maybe my family will too. I realized that what I was doing was merely an exercise in futility. I realized that my future was at risk, and that I would rather be of "average" weight and happy, and close to God, and fulfilled, than "anorexic" (medically) and miserable, cut off from God and everyone else too, and completely empty inside, physically and emotionally. I saw what I was doing to my family, my friends, and most importantly, my future, and I decided to stop.
After that, it has been all uphill. Recovery, I think, gets harder every time you fall.
I wonder if it's the human condition -- those of us in recovery have to "make sure" that we really are better off being healthy, and by the time we realize it's better to be healthy, we have to start all over again to get there, only this time it's even more work than the first. I go to a Catholic school, and the Head is always encouraging us to "make loving choices" -- because really life is just a bunch of choices -- and I must say that the choice I made in February of 2000 was the hardest I've ever had to make (more so than college too....) -- but it was also the most loving I've made. I'm completely throwing myself into recovery, and the results are slow but amazing and full of promise. Not perfect; weight gain is hard, as is honesty concerning the reasons for the ED. I still cry about my body to my bf, there are days I can't look in the mirror. But I am determined to run the whole race, and I have faith in myself and in God, and I know I will be able to do it.
Let me just give a word to all of you who are reading this. Maybe you are reading this to find someone who might understand, or who feels the same way you do, or has been in similar situations. Maybe you are reading this by a fluke, you just came to look at the pictures and find new hints. Maybe you are reading this to find out how much weight other people lost, and how long they were in the hospitals for, and maybe you are looking for "triggers." Who am I to chastise you for that, I've done all of those things. But, let me just say that after a life time (or even a day) of chasing anorexia, you'll realize that you had it from the beginning -- and that you wasted your life, and countless opportunities to spread love, and make a difference, and be happy -- and you will realize that they were passed up in your pursuit of happiness.... or what you thought would be happiness.... but after a life time of chasing anorexia, all you'll have is bones. Is that all you want? Peace of Christ Be with You All
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April 13, 2000
I thought that I was sick looking up sites on the Internet about anorexia because I thought it might motivate me to starve myself. I have always been very jealous of people with anorexia. I read all the articles, watch all the movies, and talk shows and I will motivate me to lose weight. I never knew that there were other people out there that actually thought the same way I do.
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I am 28 years old and I had a baby 3 months ago. I gained a total of 58 pounds during my pregnancy due to toxemia. I have lost 40 pounds so far but I am very depressed that the weight is coming off so slow. I feel like my husband isn't attracted to me. But he says he is. He has been good about it but he has said he can't wait till I get down to 120 again (the weight I was at when we got married).
I went from a size 5 to a size 11 and it just makes me ill. I tell myself all the time I am going to just stop eating but I love food to much. I feel like I am the opposite of anorexic, I want to be but I am to lazy to be. My husband loves to eat and when we do things on the weekend or our days off it's usually revolved around food. It's hard not to eat all those delicious fattening things. I want to lose this weight so bad it hurts but I am just to lazy.
I use to work out all the time and diet constantly before I got married. I am 5 feet 3 inches and I weighted at my lowest 112. I loved myself then and I really want to be that thin again NOW! I had a friend whom I worked with that worked out with me and we would do our Buns of Steal tape, walk 5 miles each day, walk on our lunch break and eat meals with no fat at all. She was much bigger then I was in the beginning and we both lost weight. I got down to 112 and she lost 110lbs total. I later found out she was bulimic and when I found out I was mad because I wasn't. I tried but couldn't make myself vomit the food back up therefore I had tones of food in my stomach that I had no business eating. I then started taking mini thins and they worked great. I could take 2 in the morning and not eat the whole day. I took them for about 5 years.
But now wanting to be anorexic floods my mind 24-7. I take laxatives for a while, and mini thins keep me from eating but I just can't master the anorexia thing. I just want to be thin and desirable to my husband so badly. I can't tell him this because he would just laugh and tell me that I am being silly. And he comments all the time how great I looked when I was 112.
He isn't mean about it but I know he really wants me to be thin again. I get so jealous when I look at pictures of these really thin girls. But I just keeping looking at them hoping they will make me want to be thin again.
I am glad I am not alone!
Thanks, Miserable in Mississippi!
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... when i was a child, i was very slightly overweight by most people's standards.... but not my mothers. to her i was extremely overweight and she would often tell me, "why can't you be anorexic?"... i wanted to more than ever because i knew that she would love me more if i was. her wish came true, but i am one of the ones you speak of... i am not extremely thin, but i have the brusing, the exhaustion, the increased heart rate and the self hate that others do. i have a constant pain in my tummy and a lump in my throat. i wish i were dead on a daily basis and i know others wish the same. i hope other mothers realize how harmful it is to wish for something so horrible to happen to your child.
love, s
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Well I really do not know why I am writing, I mean I do but I don't know why I am allowing myself or why I would want to take up someone else's time with the stupid things I have to say except for maybe one reason, that I could prevent or help someone in some small way before they become the way I am...
I have been anorexic now for two years, I was in treatment for about a total of 6 months and then my family could no longer pay for it so now I am on my own and you can only imagine how hard it can be at times. Well at my school prom is slowly approaching and what no greater time for young girls to start talking about losing weight, and trying to fit into dresses and how they feel so fat. Well for me listening to this conversation since I have became anorexic has taken on a whole different side and meaning. The girls say they wish that they could be one of those anorexics who looks so thin and how they have the willpower to not eat for days or be bulimic and purge whatever they have eaten, well I have been both and I still am so it hurts me to listen to them...
it hurts me listen to someone wish to live in this hell on Earth I have lived in for the past two years. Can they even begin to fathom how it is to spend time with your head over a toilet bowl to get rid of the horrid apple you have eaten that day or how it is to have that dizzy lightheaded feeling of happiness but disallusionment when you have not eaten for three days but to still feel so fat that you take up too much space in this world that is meant for everyone but you? I don't think they can, I don't think they can ever understand and to tell you the truth I hope to God they don't ever have to be able to understand what I have been through and so many others just like me but maybe that is the only way that they will ever learn they don't want to be anorexic... they want to be thin just like I did, like we all do but I hope that they do not determine their own self worth from what the numbers on the scale say because if I can say I have learned one thing from being anorexic it is this, IT IS NOT WORHT IT!!! I promise you...
don't throw your life away by trying to attain this perfection that is get this unobtainable, you will NEVER reach it because their is no such thing as the perfect weight or size. As I still struggle with this daily I am slowly coming to realize that I am forever striving for a goal that can not be obtained but I can't stop because maybe some day that will change. I guess what I am trying to say is that I just don't want to have to see anyone become the way I have been because I would not wish thi disorder on my worst enemy little alone a friend or someone I know because it has stolen things from me that I can't get back and I don't want you to be robbed too of your youth, vitality, life and any glimmer of joy in your life. I am only 16 years old but yet sometimes I feel like I am 60. Its not worth it people I promise you.
Well Lisa if you this can help anyone which I doubt my crappy writing could be my guest to post it, all I wish is to save someone from the heartache and strife I go through each day. I love you all who might read this and you are all in my prayers, I promise we can get through this together if we all just learn to remember it is not what is on the outside that counts but what is on the inside! - Ashlie
A Quote from my counselor~ Sometimes it all feels like we are all in prison and the only crime we have commited is how much we hate ourselves lets begin to unlock our prison doors and set ourselves free!!
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I am sitting here with a stupid, blank look on my face...be careful what you wish for, it may come true. I wished to be thin for my whole life, yet in reality, I was thin~ a dancer, gymnast, actress, track runner, softball player. I began to gain when I was a senior in high school. I was not fat, just beginning to look like a woman and not a little girl. My mom was perfect after 4 children, and told me that my "spider veins" were because I was overweight. I had played around with starving/purging, and this went on for 16 years, and is still going strong.
I hear young ladies talk about that they wish they could have my "self control" and remain thin after 2 children, and "getting older" (the ripe old age of 31). What they don't know is my private hell, my daily battle with food. I am swimming in a sea of butter holding my breath for dear life. (Or, more appropriately, dear death)
My parents are in total denial, and refuse to believe. I told my boyfriend all of the details after knowing him for 11 years, and being romantic for 2 years, and he "couldn't handle my issues" and left me after I trusted him. I wasn't totally honest, although I tried. I didn't tell him that I drink syrup of Ipecac, that I vomit after a salad, that I only eat when I am reminded, as I put it out of my mind.
I try to say to people who know about me that I feel like it would be easier to be an alcoholic, or drug addict, or gambliholic, as one can remove themselves from the temptation, these things are more accepted, and the only meetings in my area are "OA" meetings, and they don't suit my issues. I have to eat sometimes, even though I feel as though i do it to save face, and I feel guilty, ashamed, and weak after I eat anything. My "goals" are to have only 4 saltines. If I have 5, I MUST purge...my head spins when I hear young ladies say that Kate Moss is normal weight, that they wish that they could be anorexic for a month before the prom... many don't make it to the prom.
Thank you for your loving support, even though we have never met, you are a sister in ED, as well as the Goddess...you are an inspiration... With love and great respect, Kristen
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I am one of those sickos who stumbled upon your website looking for "tips". Looking in secret. Looking for secrets. Trying to become anorexic. TRYING. Wishing. I thought I was the only one who really desired something as sick as that. I spoke to friends and we all admitted we'd "tried" to have eating disorders but just couldn't - we just didn't have anything inately mentally wrong with us so we just couldn't. So we were destined to keep our freshman 15 - our freshman 25. I always hated girls who cared about their weight. I always thought one must be born with a pre-disposition for mental disease to truly develop an eating disorder. I didn't realize it could start out like this. Just by wishing. By being "normal" but "trying to be anorexic - just for a week or two." What is wrong with our culture? My best friend who was very skinny already lost a lot of weight when she had mono - she got complimented so much that now she's trying not to eat even though she takes a size 1 she doesn't want to have a belly. Together we're trying not to eat. I am so glad yours was the site that I found. I am so glad you openly recognize the "wishbone" phenomenon and friend "support" and those who are looking for "tips" like I was. The societal encouragement disgusts me the most. I made the mistake of going shopping with 2 very skinny friends - they are both size 0 and eat exactly 1500 calories each day and go to CRUNCH every day. They were having trouble finding clothes that were small enough for them - I couldn't get size 31 pants up over my thighs and I broke down on the dressing room floor crying. And they told me - I can tell you how to lose weight if you want me too. And I'm not even fat - I could do to be 15 or 20 pounds less but I'm a far cry from fat - I thought knowing that was enough to keep me free from an eating disorder. Everyone I've spoken to tells me their diet plan - friends relatives - no one says love yourself.
The message is clear from every direction so I must be doing the right thing. I was feeling bad when I had 800 calories - why couldn't I be good like yesterday when I only had 600 - that was perfect. I didn't realize anorexics ate - I thought the fact that I was eating something - that I had some tofu and multivitamins- made me still all right. Then I saw on your website how strongly you enforce that people die from this. And you said I was "only eating 1000 calories" and I thought "only?" That seemed like so much to me and that is when I realized I'm getting my wish - and it doesn't feel how I thought it felt - I wanted to feel beautiful - I wanted hunger pains to be my friend and make me feel sexy - but I don't have hunger pains I drink so much water. I still feel like a liar - like "I don't really have the right to say this since I don't have an eating disorder (yet) I just have these sick desires to have one."
A few more things - sorry this is so long I know you're very busy - your site just touched me and I'm trying to up the calorie intake now and I stopped considering water pills. Though I am a vitamin supplement fiend (chromium, choline etc...). Scary things about society: A friend of mine was talking about a girl he knew with an eating disorder and he said "but she's a dancer so its kind of okay
- its for her career" I wanted to hit him - I felt like it was okay because it was for her career but for anyone else (like me) it was just pathetic. And how could it be considered okay for anyone?!
In my high school there was a clique of girls with eating disorders - they formed a "support group" and soon became the most sought after dates and friends in school - people tried to have eating disorders just to hand out with them - of one of the lead girls who's face sunk in people would say "look at her she just looks unhealthy now" and then they'd go ask her out.
Every person I've spoken to has encouraged me they don't say "no you look great" or "I love you" they say "I'll help you lose weight if you want me to". Every person. They all have a different plan. I wrote a poem in high school about one of the girls - its even more appropriate now - maybe you can use it on your wonderful website:
P r i n c e s s
Envious of skinny legs
Of stick thin arms
Of breaking, brittle
sunken eyes that
never had the chance to see
life's rich undertones
coming from pure poetry.
Envious of how she moves.
Of the will power that it must
take to form those grooves
that make her hip bones jut out so.
Of how she speaks to me
in dreams - giggling softly
while she screams
Swimming without ever getting wet
And of her ugly pointed
princess crown that stabs
all those who come around.
I never had a crown like that.
Envious of her new lipstick shade.
The kind she made from human blood.
It looks so good on her
overspent lips. On me it
looks a lot like mud.
I wonder how it must
be to sleep with someone
oh so famous - Lucifer
must treat her very well.
He and she together every night
This simple thought -
It makes me sin like mad.
I envy so much the way she feels -
to never care - to not be real.
To be a little starving princess girl
Shedding wanted pounds away
Angry and Unreachable.
And every so often she is envious of how it must feel to be a mud-lipstick
wearing, really caring, loudly screaming girl - who gets wet when she swims.
And that's why I'm so envious.
If she could only see
how much better off she is to be Breakable and Pointy
(not bendable and softlike me).
But she never can.
She's a princess
and it's not her job to understand.
One day she'll have to take command.
She'll sit upon a fancy throne
and have to wear the heavy robes of royalty
And underneath their bejeweled weight her body will be empty.
-crushed- She'll crack and crumble to the floor.
And then, and only then,
will I not envy anymore.
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I have just discovered your site and will be checking it often-BUT only to reassure myself that the voice in my head and myself are the sane ones. It is a wonderful site for people who want help, but I hate to admit that it just pissed me off. I am numb to the threats of death and all of the warnings. I can no longer feel anything, no warmth or love towards others. Yet strangely I still want and need this disorder. Nothing else seems to matter to me, yet
I am full aware that I am spiraling into depression and deep trouble. This thing is like digging yourself in a hole- you can't function with it yet you can't seem to function without it. No one understands, and I can easily manipulate my therapists so it doesn't matter. I will not comply. Pray for me. ~ Cristina, CT
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I have a website that I am in the process of completing, which deals with anorexia and bulimia. The address is
http://msnhomepages.talkcity.com/VolunteerSt/katydid_01/EDhome.html
Feel free to check it out if you want to - although it's still partly unfinished because I just don't have time to work on it! lol :)
I wanted to write to you concerning Wishbone. I totally understand the desire to remain anorexic. I've been anorexic for only 9 or 10 months, and am currently in counseling for it. But despite all the help that people try to give me, deep inside I don't want to get better. I'm scared to recover. Those voices in my head tell me that if I start eating normally, that I lose. I will no longer be in control. I will be no good, a failure, no longer thinner or smaller or better than anyone else. I will be fat.
And I can't help but listen to these voices - because to me they make sense. My control lies in my ability to restrict food - if I start to eat, there goes the control. I cannot lose. I have to be good at this. So, even though everyone else wants me to get better, I feel like I haven't even started to get thinner. I can't give up the anorexia yet. I haven't lost enough weight yet. I'm not fully in control. No one understands or would understand my thinking on this unless they've been through it themselves - like I know so many people out there have been. I JUST WANT TO BE THIN is that so much to ask for? ~k
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people have no idea what they are getting themselves into. at one point i wanted anorexia and now i am sorry that i did . by the way i love your website... thanks for just putting out all the info in such a "here it is take it or leave it" way. i love it .
I'm sixteen. Six months ago a friend of mine started losing weight - a relapse into the anorexia she had suffered at age twelve. At five foot five, she is now eighty-five pounds and has been in the hospital for going on three weeks now. It is serious. She has, I believe, suffered brain damage. Yet I look at myself in the mirror, at my five foot seven, 180 pound frame, and I wish that I had the control to deny myself and control myself as she has done. My brain is telling me that this is insane at the same time as it is telling me to hang myself over the toilet bowl and rid myself of the box - entire box! - of cookies I just ate.
For my friend, the anorexia was a means of control over the sports she loves so much; I don't know whether the exercise got out of control or whether it was simply the trigger. For me, the desire stems from many things. Perhaps it is the desire for the attention that my friend is receiving, perverse as that is. It is a desire for perfection in body and mind, set off by the academically-inclined school I attend and the sudden drop from top of the class to average that this attendance brought about. It is the loss of a friend whom I view as near-perfect and the thought that perhaps if I were to improve myself I could gain her back. It is in some ways the media. It is my need to solve every problem by myself, without any outside interference; while I need people to care, I insist that I can do just fine without them.
It is my body image. It is the fact that my five foot four, ninety-seven pound best friend is healthy and happy at her weight; that she has a boyfriend and I feel that unless I lose weight I never shall.
I know - or think I know - of the consequences of anorexia. Yet I think that I am teetering on the edge of the disease. My rational brain is losing the battle. And I only hope that the hints that I am dropping may trigger someone, that they may actually ask if I am all right. And yet I don't, for I want to fix this desire myself too. But I don't know if 'fixing it' means eradicating it or giving in. ~K
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hey i have wanted to become anorexic for some time now but i am not sure how to do it. i play sports and our high school softball team started about 3 months ago. since then i have wanted to lose more and more weight. i have lost 30 pds since softball has started. i have started going for days not eating or eating a small snack every night but when i do eat i feel so bad like really guilty i have tried to throw it up but i can't. i have to eat on weekends b/c my parents make the family eat together. i went to my aunts house today and she kept on talking about how much better i looked. i need more ways to not eat food and to not feel hungry or to throw up what do laxatives do? whats speed where would someone get it? lately i have not been able to lose weight am i still anorexic?
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well...i am one of those who have always wished to have an eating disorder for maybe just a week or two. I understand it is not at all glamorous but to people like me it is almost the same feeling to wake up everyday and hating yourself because your constantly feeling FAT. Its one thing to kill yourself to be thin thinking it'll make you feel better about yourself but you don't know until you try and yes, that is pretty sad. You say being an anorexic almost feels as if you are drowning...well so does having a self esteem so low that you dont want to get out of a chair at work because you feel as if EVERYONE is staring you down pointing out the fat rolls on your back as you walk... i wonder if being anorexic maybe worth it sometimes. I really wouldn't say that being thin is worth dying for but being thin would make a lot of people happier about themselves and much more confident. I think even you totally recovered anorexics still look in the mirror and think to yourselves....if only i was thinner.. its just something that ALWAYS will linger through all womens (some men) livesÉ
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*** NOTE FROM LISA ***
I thank everyone for writing me on this issue. I am sadden that so many of us wish to be anorexic. To me this is a major statement about our society and the general self-loathing that occurs. This is a huge statement, this wish to have an illness that kills people. My hope is that more therapists, more doctors, more parents, more friends will listen to this desperation and begin to pay attention. Please believe me, the wish to be anorexic is enough of a reason to ask for help and worry about yourselfÉ even if the disease has not manifested physically, it is there mentally and you need to pay attention to that NOW and not wait another second.
Why spend more time not loving yourself and making plans to enter an illness in which you may not return???
Blessed Be.
